Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Picture: NSA Surveillance Van

New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA).

Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we understand your concerns when it comes to privacy and your phone calls being monitored. So starting July 1st we are pleased to offer customers our new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This cellphone plan comes with 128-bit encryption and is guaranteed to be effective against the F.B.I or NSA from listening in on your phone calls.”

President Barack Obama told reporters he understands the distress of the American people and is doing all he can to fix the situation. “I know I’ve made some promises in the last 5 years that I’ve kind of gone and done the complete opposite of and for that I truly am sorry. The Afghan war, Iraq war and Guantanamo Bay is still open. I’m sorry. I promised you no unwarranted wiretapping. I told you I was strongly against that, but signed off on it anyway. Sorry about that. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that I authorized allowing indefinite military detention of American citizens without charge or trial. I am sorry. I told you I would be lenient on marijuana laws. As it turns out I’ve actually used the DEA to put more people in prison than any other president. That’s another blunder of mine I feel absolutely horrible about,” Obama said. “Drones, the war on whistle-blowers and increased surveillance with no transparency on any of our programs. Once again, I just gotta say, I’m sorry. The NSA monitoring American’s customer records from the three major phone networks as well as emails and web searches and cataloged credit-card transactions. My bad.” Obama continued, “We need to come together as the great country that we are and work through these problems in the name of “safety” and for the children. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Horner described the new Verizon program to CNN. “The ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ starts at only $59.95 and for users that are looking for more minutes we offer an unlimited plan for only $149.95 a month. I think this will be a great way for customers to feel secure when using our service and not have to worry about getting arrested.”

Obama continued to explain some of his actions that he plans to fix. “The illegal wiretapping of American citizens needs to stop. No more national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime. We cannot allow NSA agents to literally watch what you type, as you type it,” Obama said. “The NSA’s reach has infiltrated nearly every major internet company’s servers, including Google, Facebook and Microsoft. We need to stop tracking citizens who do nothing but protest a misguided war. There will be no more ignoring the law when it is inconvenient. I promise to start fixing everything just as soon as humanly possible. You can trust me.” Obama continued, “I do have some good news though. In May the economy gained almost 179,000 new jobs! Unfortunately, most of those were F.B.I and NSA jobs to monitor your phone calls.”

Tweet from Verizon about the NSA and their new NSA Ant-Share Plan

Long-time Verizon user Ivan Schleinkofer told reporters he does not mind that the F.B.I. and NSA have been monitoring his phone calls. “I travel so that means I’m away from my wife a lot of the times. We like to have phone sex and we’re really big into voyeurism. If these agencies have been listening in on our phone calls for the past five years, they have heard some pretty kinky stuff,” Schleinkofer said. “Though I heard it’s only about one in five phone calls they listen to. Is there any way we can get them to listen in on us more than that? What if I tell my wife I want to stick my nuclear missile in her Al-Qaeda hiding spot? That would probably draw some red flags. I’ll have to try that tonight.”

To upgrade to the new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ you can visit your local Verizon Wireless store or call (785) 273-0325.

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With All Full Body Cavity Searches

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/6/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

TSA Now Offering Free Gift With Full Body Cavity SearchesArlington, VA — Pressured by citizens outraged with the recent inappropriate actions taken by certain TSA screeners, free gifts will now be made available to anyone receiving a full body cavity search. The TSA believes giving out free gifts will be a great way to improve their image and reputation among the general public.

The TSA’s search procedures and full body scanners have been hot topics of discussion ever since 9-11. Supporters of the TSA and their search methods say this is a first line of defense against stopping terrorism. Critics on the other hand say this is a complete waste of tax payer money that invades personal freedoms and privacy and has proven to show no real results. Public outcry has increased over the years especially after some of the TSA’s recent blunders that have been caught on video, which have then gone viral on the internet.

An insider with the TSA, who chose to remain anonymous, says they are aware of the problems and that is one of the reasons these free gifts are being made available to the public. “We’ve heard all the complaints and horror stories. The long lines at the airport, the lack of privacy, stop touching my junk… we’ve heard it all. We’re also aware that anyone could pretty much get anything past these scanners if they really wanted to. We know that a bomb sniffing dog would be 100x more efficient and at 1/1000th of the cost, but then the lobbyists and makers of these scanners don’t get money. Though I think most of the negativity from the public will change once they start getting free gifts. Who wouldn’t want a free gift, especially after being anally penetrated by a complete stranger?”

TSA supervisor Paul Horner told reporters that he enjoys his work and takes it extremely serious. “I love what I do. I’m stopping these god*amn terrorists from killing more people. Everyday that I go to work I feel like I’m saving lives. Plus I get to see beautiful woman naked all day long. Lots of gross ones too, but hey, that comes with the job.”

The TSA says the free gifts are mainly comprised of things taken from people that come through the scanners. Joel Massanti a spokesman for the TSA explained to reporters what some of the free gifts will include. “If a traveler is giving us a hard time they’ll probably end up ‘missing’ a couple t-shirts or something in their luggage, so there’s a free gift for someone that’s just received a full body cavity search.” Massanti continued, “Plus I’m excited to say that we’re also giving out pretty amazing gift baskets too. They will contain things such as pecans, chocolates, crackers, cheese, and even a nice sparkling cider. All of this will be presented in a gorgeous wicker basket with a yellow bow. I think it’s going to be really nice to see the look on a traveler’s face as they are pulling up their pants to learn the news that they are getting a free gift basket. Who wouldn’t want to fly now?”

Don’t have the money to fly? No problem. Mitt Romney has you covered.