Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

Paul HornerJonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.” Local hero, Paul Horner, who thwarted the would-be robbers said, “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

Longtime diner Susan Litchfield said it was a pretty tense moment. “The robbers asked Mr. Horner what was in his hand. He told them it was his wallet that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just thought he was some crazy white guy with a death wish.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them: Normally, both your asses would be dead as f*cking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.”


Barkins said he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had temporarily snapped. I asked him if he was ok and he shouted, ‘Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain’t none of your go*damn business’. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherf*ckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

“In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in Jonestown,” Officer Miller from the Jonestown Police Department said. “It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

The robbers are described as a white male and female aged 35-45. Any information please contact the Jonestown Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

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“Now I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet.”
“Which one is it?”
“It’s the one that says bad mother f*cker.”

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana UsersWashington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana users in order to gain any potential information they may or may not have. The act states that by waterboarding the marijuana user for information, such as where they bought their drugs from, it will allow law enforcement officials to use that information to then arrest the dealers, distributors and the actual growers.

After signing NTACT into law, President Obama stated, “This is a great first step in putting an end to this nightmare that has plagued our country for so long now. Marijuana is a destructor of families and communities. By getting to the source of the problem, the actual marijuana user, I think we can finally win the war on drugs. God willing, no one will ever use marijuana again.”

U.S. Representative Lamar S. Smith, who introduced the bill into Congress said, “Marijuana users think they can sit around all day, smoke their reefer, eat fattening foods and watch their stupid television shows… well, not on my watch. Now with the threat of torture, I seriously doubt marijuana addicts will have the guts to smoke their drugs again.”

Obama went on to restate his position by saying, “I want to be clear. If a state legalizes marijuana, this law will still affect those residents. I’m sure you’re already well aware, that I won’t hesitate to send DEA agents into states that have already legalized the drug. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state or not, or who you are, if you make the choice to use marijuana, we will find you and we will waterboard you.” Obama went on to say, “With a marijuana arrest before, you might have just lost all your possessions, family and gone to prison. Thanks to this new bill I signed into law today, you’re now also going to get waterboarded. I’ve already passed The National Defense Act (NDAA), which allows us to send American citizens to jail for an infinite amount of time with no lawyer, judge or jury, so I think you should know by now that I’m not one to mess with.”

Paul Horner, one of Obama’s presidential advisers on the matter told the press today, “There’s just too many special interests out there that are making too much money because of marijuana’s illegal status. Do you have any idea how much money those lobbyists and special interest groups would stand to lose if we suddenly legalized marijuana? They would lose a lot. Sure our economy would probably improve if we taxed and regulated it, but the super-elite, the %1, are the ones who get hurt here. They are the ones we listen to.” Horner continued, “You can’t just make things like hemp legal. Pretty soon you wouldn’t have to cut down trees, then what are all the loggers out there going to do? You have to think about things like that. We see the big picture here at the White House. That’s why I’m up on stage holding a press conference and you’re down there writing everything that I’m saying.”

Danny Simmons from the DEA told CNN he approves of NTACT. “I don’t think there’s anyone I work with that isn’t excited about this law being passed. I think it’s going to be hilarious waterboarding a pot head; they are already so paranoid to begin with. The looks on their faces are gonna be priceless. They’ll be like, ah don’t kill me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Simmons laughs, “How awesome are things going to be now.”

RELATED NEWS >>> Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

Rick Santorum Voted People’s Sexiest Republican Alive

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT
Rick Santorum voted sexiest Republican by People magazineThe magazine People is pleased to announce Rick Santorum as this year’s sexiest Republican alive. This is Santorum’s first win as ‘sexiest’ and was chosen from a long list of other Republicans currently serving in office.

“I think this is fantastic,” Rick Santorum said this morning at a press conference after he was informed of being voted sexiest Republican alive. “This just proves that you don’t have to be gay to be sexy and if you are gay, well, that’s just gross.”

“He’s not afraid to get wild and crazy sometimes, just be himself,” Susan Kindle editor for People said, “He loathes gay people because of the bible but at the same time has his whole staff work on the Sabbath. According to the bible, those employees of his should be put to death! Oh man, classic Santorum! Just making it up as he goes along. Only one word for that… sexy!”

After receiving the ‘Sexiest Republican Alive’ award, Santorum spoke briefly about Iran. “They don’t have many sexy individuals over there. They are a nation full of religious zealots, that with the help of god, will be blown off the face of this planet. With god’s love and mercy, they will all burn in hell for eternity.”

Paul Horner of Louisiana said he hopes this win will eventually lead to a Presidency for Santorum. “Yeah he’s sexy, but I want him as my next president. He doesn’t need a lot of fancy schoolin’ degrees like our current president, he’s got a PHD in Jesus.” Horner goes on to say, “I for one know I’ll get a lot more done once pornography becomes illegal. Though I am worried about all the missionary sex I’ll be having with no contraception. Maybe Mr. Santorum will allow me to use a condom if it has a picture of the Virgin Mary on it. I sure would appreciate that.”

Steve Reynold’s marketing executive for People said, “It was a tough choice to find a Republican that we could call sexy because they’re all kind of fat and old.” Reynold’s said, “Rick Santorum isn’t bald, he’s under seventy and he weighs less than 300 pounds… so yeah, he’s our winner.”

New Trayvon Martin Photos Emerge

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/05/2012 06:00:35 AM PDT

New Trayvon Martin imagesSanford, Fla— New pictures and information, released by Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report, show a completely different side to the Trayvon Martin that we’ve been seeing portrayed by most of the media. “These innocent child hood photos of Trayvon, being shown in the news, are just not who he actually was. The photos we’ve obtained indicate that he was a lot more than just some young kid going to high school. More than likely he was a 7’2, 480 lbs professional football player, though we’re not exactly sure what team he played for. Our editors are working around the clock on putting all the pieces together,” says Drudge. “We also have obtained new information about George Zimmerman. The ‘tough guy’ pictures showing Zimmerman in an orange jumpsuit are about as inaccurate as you can get. Reliable sources now tell us he is likely a 3’6 Asian dwarf who was lured to the dark alleys of his neighborhood by the scent of Skittles.”

Paul Horner from the NAACP said, “These actions by Matt Drudge are unforgivable. The pictures he posted to his website aren’t even that good. One of them is just an image of Al Pacino from the movie Scarface Photoshopped with Trayvon’s face on it. This is a blatant attempt to make Trayvon out to be someone that he was not. It’s truly disgusting, just horrible Photoshop work.”

“You have to question everything the liberal media tells you,” says Drudge. “Our sources tell us that besides moonlighting as security for rapper 50 Cent, Trayvon Martin also belonged to a biker gang that smuggled marijuana out of Tijuana. Did you read about any of those stories on MSNBC or CNN? I don’t think so.”

Matt Drudge said he has no plans on pulling the pictures from the website. “I mean, look at the rest of the site. It’s a propaganda machine used to make Americans afraid, and we’re doing a pretty good job of it.” He goes on to say, “I think pulling these images, no matter how fabricated they may or may not be, would go against everything that the site is about. Plus we’re too busy right now trying get the American people excited about a possible war with Iran. Once we start bombing Iran, ask me nicely about pulling those photos and maybe I’ll think about it.”

Maryland’s $640 Million Mega Millions Winner Comes Forward

The Ass Press
Posted: 4/1/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT

Funny news: $640 Mega Million winner from MarylandGaithersburg, MD— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the three winners in last night’s Mega Millions has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Baltimore County, Maryland. He is the winner of Friday’s world record $640 million jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers and then also the Mega Ball.

Most people would be ecstatic about their new found riches, but not Mr. Horner. As it turns out he was already Maryland’s second wealthiest resident. With this new lottery win people are speculating that he’ll now be the richest person living in the state of Maryland. Mr. Horner made most of his wealth on Wall Street. Last year’s tax return show him reporting a little over $900,000,000 and because of some questionable accounting he only paid 2% in taxes.

On Wall Street his nickname is ‘The Gutter’. “He basically buys up a company, fires everybody, puts them all out on the street, then when the stock price goes up he sells everything and just walks away. He’s such an a*shole. We all just love him here,” Bob Jenkins of Fidelity Mutual said.

“This will help me fix up one of my estates in the Cayman Islands that I’ve kind of let go in recent years. I’ve also been thinking about buying a couple more Gulfstream G550 jets, so I think I’ll go ahead and do that now.” Horner goes on to say, “I’m actually kind of bummed about winning because I know there is really no way around paying the full amount of taxes that I’ll owe on this. I guess for a moment or so I’ll have to join the ‘regulars’ and pay my fair share. Maybe when I’m done paying all those taxes I’ll go down to a local bar and have a domestic beer with the common folk there, just to get a quick taste of what that’s like,” Horner laughs. “To be honest, most of this money will probably end up going to campaign contributions for Rick Santorum.”

Asked how he came up with the numbers he chose, Mr. Horner said, “When I played before I let the riffraff behind the counter pick the numbers for me, but this time I went with numbers that have a special place close to my heart. I currently own two Bugatti’s. I have four mansions. I own twenty-three different multinational corporations. I spent thirty-eight million dollars on my last yacht. I own real estate in forty-six different countries and my girlfriend is twenty-three.

Lottery officials are still not sure what to make of the winner who matched all six numbers correctly. “He’s kind of a dick”, said lottery official Tim Perkins. “I’m kind of sad that this thing is finally over. That money was growing into something really amazing. With all of that money you could feed most of the world’s starving children, or provide clean drinking water in a third world country. I’m pretty sure there is no god when a guy like Paul Horner becomes the winner of something this special.”

The winning numbers for last night’s drawing were 2-4-23-38-46 and the Mega Ball was 23. The odds in matching all six numbers and winning the jackpot are stated at an astronomical 1 in 176 million. Mega Millions spokesperson Kimberly Starks says the two other winning tickets were sold in Illinois and Kansas.

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