McDonald’s Announces New Flying McLiger Sandwich For A Limited Time Only!

The Flying McLiger sandwich available now at McDonalds for a limited time only.

The Flying McLiger sandwich is available now at McDonald’s for a limited time only.

Houston, TX — Exciting news for fat people around the world as McDonald’s has finally released the all new and highly anticipated Flying McLiger sandwich.

“The Flying McLiger sandwich is exclusively at McDonald’s for a limited time,” said McDonald’s Vice President Eric Burns. “If you don’t give a sh*t about your your health, weight, or endangered species, well then this is the perfect sandwich for you. So don’t have a heart attack trying to run down here and get one, there will be plenty to go around.”

The flying liger is a hybrid between a lion, a tiger and a falcon explains McDonald’s breeding expert Paul Horner. “A flying liger is exactly the same as a regular liger except with wings and the ability to fly,” Horner said. “With over 1,500 calories per serving and 420 added ingredients, it’s gonna taste so good going down into your huge swollen gut.”

All flying ligers live in captivity at the Flying Liger Ranch in Houston, Texas which is owned by the McDonald’s Corporation. “Ligers are tough enough to breed, now just try to imagine getting one of those things to have sex with a falcon,” Horner said. “A lot of sweat and tears goes behind the making of every Flying McLiger sandwich, so eat up all you huge pieces of sh*t.” Horner continued, “Flying ligers enjoy swimming, flying and are extremely sociable. Women and men that have a lot of sweat on them, especially underneath their breast areas, will f*cking love slamming these things down one after another.”

Stop by McDonald’s and get the one and only Flying McLiger sandwich for a limited time only! McDonald’s, I’m f*ckin’ lovin’ it!

Obama Allows Texas To Secede From The Union

Texas to secede from UnionWashington, D.C. — Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are currently requesting secession.

Obama told reporters that he will be sad to see Texas go but said his administration won’t stand in the way of their happiness. “They will be missed, but if this is what they truly want, I wish them all the best,” Obama said.

Eric Burns who heads up The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality spoke to reporters about the current economic state of Texas. “Texas secessionists claim their state to be one of the largest and because of this the most capable of maintaining independence, yet Texas remains one of the poorest states in the nation,” Burns said. “Almost one in four Texans are uninsured. The state ranks worst in the nation for health care delivery and this isn’t even including the nearly 4 million Texans relying on federal nutrition assistance. It’s going to be a mess for them once they secede in January.”

Paul Horner, Obama’s top political adviser, said he’s confused with Texas and their decision to secede. “I’m not sure if they are aware of this but the government maintains relations with other countries, runs the Army, Navy, Air Force, Border Patrol and Customs, all to protect this country. They also provide food stamps and welfare among many other things, all of which they will no longer receive,” Horner said. “Governor Perry accepted $17.4 billion in stimulus packages from the government last year that of course we expect to be returned. The USDA farm subsidies in Texas have received $25.9 billion in federal funds from 1995-2011, so that won’t be happening anymore.” Horner continued, “Texas, you’re all good to go and join Mexico, just let us check your pockets first.”

Marsellus Wallace who is a spokesman for the president had one last thing to say before ending the press conference. “What now? I tell you what happens now between the United States and Texas. There is no United States and Texas. Not no more,” Wallace said. “Texas, you leave town January 1st, and when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your United States privileges.”

Obama's letter to Texas to Secede

14 Billion Dollars Worth Of Drugs Stolen From DEA Warehouse In Daring Heist

The Ass Press
Posted: 10/28/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

El Paso drug heist DEA 14 billion dollars worth of drugsEl Paso, TX — In something straight out of a movie, the Drug Enforcement Administration is telling reporters that a group of 10 armed men stormed a warehouse in El Paso, Texas and made off with more than 14 billion dollars of various illegal drugs, making this by far the largest robbery in history. The burglary happened last night when men wearing ski masks and armed with automatic weapons were able to overpower the guards protecting the warehouse. The drugs were being stored as evidence in upcoming criminal trials and then eventually would have been incinerated. Most of the drugs being stored in the warehouse had been seized from The Sinaloa and the Zetas cartel.

Paul Horner who heads up the DEA in El Paso said he’s saddened by news of the robbery but happy that no one was injured. “Luckily none of the guards or police at the warehouse were injured in this tragic event,” Horner said. “It’s just a shame all these drugs will be back on the street.”

A list was made available to reporters of the drugs stolen from the warehouse:

  • 4,600 tons of Marijuana
  • 2,500 kilos of Cocaine
  • 950 kilos of Heroin
  • 810 kilos of Methamphetamine
  • 36,000,000 pills of Ecstasy
  • 1.2 tons of Ketamine
  • 1.1 tons of Bath Salts

Officials said the armed men made entry into the warehouse by way of air ducts in the ventilation system. They subdued the guards and police in and outside of the building. Cameras show at least 5 white vans and a tractor-trailer leaving the seen of the crime.

El Paso resident 19-year-old Ben Sanders said he is happy to hear that these drugs will be back on the street. “Things were getting pretty dry around here for a moment,” Sanders said. “I was getting desperate, smoking this horrible dirt weed my neighbor has. Hopefully some of this stolen 4,600 tons of herb out there is chronic and I can get my hands on some.” Sanders continued, “This whole ‘war on drugs’ is truly a shame. All the violence, the killings, the millions of addicts in prison, the multi-billion dollar a year black market activity. None of it would exist if drugs were just made legal and heavily regulated. People that do drugs are going to do drugs regardless if they are legal or not. No one is going to start slamming heroin just because it’s legal.”

If anyone has any information about this robbery, officials are urging people to contact (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT

5 Hour Energy drug called 5HEAustin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to  three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas.

All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three of them will recover but it was an extremely close call. Emergency room staff there say they have seen an increase in cases linked to 5HE or what is sometimes referred to by police as “the new LSD”.

Authorities told reporters the drug is taken orally and produces extreme euphoria and hallucinations. “The teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy drink commonly known as 5-Hour Energy,” said Police Captain Eric Roberts. “They drink five or more of these bottles at a time and because there’s only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy for their bodies to handle.” Roberts continued, “Three students from Friday’s incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible in a 24 hour day.”

AJ Smith, a 12th grader at the school, said he’s tried using 5HE and told reporters about his experience. “One day after school I was hanging out at a friend’s house. They had a whole case of 5HE. So I opened five of them and drank them all at once. Soon I blasted off somewhere else. My soul was tasting and hearing colors. I was swimming in love. There were these beings of light telling me that everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn’t fall into amazement. They told me that there is nothing to ever be afraid of and that life is all just a ride. There was no time or space. I could have been there for a billion years or one minute. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

Not so awesome for Meagan Graff though, who was one of the three students who overdosed from 5HE on Friday. Friends say she drank eight 5-Hour Energy drinks. “That equals 40 hours of energy. There is just not enough hours in the day,” sobs Becky Winters, a long time friend of the girl.

The Chief of Police in Austin, Paul Horner, believes the entire incident could easily have been prevented. “It’s just too much energy for the body to handle in a 24 hour period,” says Horner. “Some of these kids are now actually smoking 5-Hour Energy to get even more energy. The lengths that these junkies will go to never ceases to amaze me.”

Most stores in Austin have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy or limited purchases to two drinks or less. Dale Evans a store clerk at Fiesta Mart told reporters that with all the recent bans on 5HE he says kids have been getting pretty desperate these days to get their fix. “Sometimes we’ll see homeless people in here trying to buy 5-Hour Energy for the kids. We know what they’re up to.”

Paul Horner ended the press conference by stating to reporters, “I have a message out there for anyone selling 5-Hour Energy. If people are dying because of your LSD that you’re selling, you will be charged with murder whether you like it or not. There’s not going to be anymore funny business around here, not on my watch.”

Even though most states have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy, Texas is not one of them. With this recent tragedy though, Texas lawmakers say a bill is currently being drafted and should be in front of members of congress for a vote as soon as Thursday.

Dave Martin, Principle at Jonestown High School in Austin, said the school will be closed Monday and grief counselors will be available to students and families.

NOTE FROM SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS: The purpose of this story was to make light of that cannibalistic episode in Miami where idiot cops called bath salts the “new LSD”. Their purpose was to cause fear in the country… and guess what? They did. And guess what else? The guy who ate that homeless man’s face off wasn’t on bath salts, they only found marijuana in his system. Also, I had just performed stand-up comedy with a joke about 5-Hour Energy a few days before this. Plus the 5HE drug trip I describe in the story is actually about DMT (check that out). So that’s where this story derives from. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the 13 kids that have lost their lives to this energy drink.