Hating Anything In Life Is Only Hating Yourself

Hate, intolerance, racism all can be fixedHate, intolerance and racism in this world could all be a thing of the past but it first starts with you. This is your life and you can choose to live it however you want. There is no one stopping you from living a life full of love and acceptance except yourself.

I was hanging out with this girl last night at my house who is lucky enough to have a permanent tan. She knows I write and do standup and wanted to hear some jokes. I told her a few and then warned her about the next one. “I’m going to tell it to you”, I said, “But you might find it racist or offensive.” She said, “Say it! I want to hear it!” So after a moment of thinking, I told her the joke.

“I’m so tired of people referring to things by adding color in the description. For example, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new black shoes!’ Why can’t they just say, ‘Hey everybody, check out my new shoes?’ The same goes for painting. Why do people have to say ‘black paint’? Why can’t they just say, ‘Jamal, please paint the fence’.”

She started laughing and milk actually shot out of her nose. I didn’t even have any milk in the house. She must have brought it from home, maybe in a milk flask or something.

I asked her if that joke was too racist or offensive. She kind of blew my mind with her answer and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She said, “The people that find that joke racist, are racist. It’s something deep down, almost subconscious. It’s something that they don’t like about themselves. So instead of fixing their problem they take their anger and frustrations out on someone else.”

Nevermind album cover by the band Nirvana

The controversial ‘Nevermind’ album cover by the band Nirvana released on September 24, 1991.

Think about most of the Republicans out there like Rick Santorum for example. He hides his hate and homophobia behind a 2,000-year-old book. That guy thinks about gay sex more than gay people think about gay sex.

As a person in office that represents the gay hate machine, Santorum will never publicly come out of the closet, but I guarantee that sooner or later a scandal will emerge about him being with another man. It’s only a matter of time.

Kurt Cobain said it best about the cover of his 1991 album Nevermind:

“If you’re offended by this, you must be a closet pedophile.”

Todd Akin Accepts Bill Nye’s Challenge For A Science Debate

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/01/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

bill nye todd akin debatePetersburg, KY — In a move that is shocking the nation, Missouri Representative Todd Akin has agreed to Bill Nye’s challenge for a debate in science. The announcement was made this afternoon at a press conference held at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. “I accept Bill ‘Lies’ the Science Guy and his challenge for a debate,” Akin told reporters. “He’ll quickly learn that the word of god will always win over the word of some guy.”

The Akin/Nye feud started with Akin’s recent statements regarding “legitimate” rape and homosexuality. Akin claims that science educator Nye has angered god with a Youtube video in which he says creationism “hurts kids”. He also claims that Nye is to blame for Hurricane Issac – the deadly storm currently heading towards New Orleans.

Nye was quick to respond to Akin’s comments during a live interview Thursday on the Smithsonian Channel. Nye called Akin “a f*cking idiot” for accusing him of personally starting Hurricane Issac.

“Look, these people, they’re f*cking retarded,” Nye said. “Rape can’t cause pregnancy? Breast milk cures homosexuality? I caused a hurricane by challenging creationism? Who can possibly take these people seriously anymore?”

Nye went on to say, “It used to be these Republicans didn’t believe in global warming or evolution. That was bad enough. Now they don’t even believe in egg + sperm = baby. Where does Todd Akin think babies come from? Does he think there are separate storks for people who were raped and people who weren’t? Hey look over there! It’s the rape stork. It drops it’s babies directly at the orphanage.”

That’s when Nye offered the challenge of a science debate with Akin. “So Todd I got an offer for you. You and me. Any time. Any place. Debating science mano-a-mano. I’ll bring the facts, and you bring the Vaseline. Because your ass is gonna f*cking need it when I’m done whipping.”

“This name calling by Bill just shows his true colors,” Akin told reporters. “That’s how all these atheists are. They anger god with their gays in the military, lesbians on the Supreme Court, all this promiscuity in Hollywood and in music and on the streets. Then we have this guy Bill Nye going around saying we can’t teach the word of god to our children! Of course this angers god and that is what is causing these hurricanes.”

Akin finished the press conference by agreeing to Nye’s challenge for a debate. “Bill Nye said any place, any time. Well I’m naming the Creation Museum in Kentucky, September 15th at noon sharp. I’ll be there to debate real, legitimate science. We’ll see if Bill has the guts to show up.”

Paul Horner who is an executive at NBC has already agreed to air the debate if Nye agrees to Akin’s terms. “This will be the debate of the century,” says Horner. “Forget about the Presidential debates, I wanna see Bill Nye versus Todd Akin.”

Nye has yet to respond. The Creation Museum is located at 2800 Bullittsburg Church Rd. Petersburg, KY 41080.

RELATED NEWS >>> Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’

Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet