Punjab, INDIA — Located on the edge of India in the northwest corner of the region, the state of Punjab is taking drastic measures to prevent women from reading books, they are permanently removing their eyes.
23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who heads up the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force (PARTF) explained to reporters the importance of what they are doing. “Woman in our villages were starting to speak out and question us, the powerful all-knowing man. We did some figuring of the matter and found out it was all because the females were beginning to learn how to write their names and even learning the letters of the alphabet,” Majumdar said. “Well, after a while, what do you know happens? Soon these unloyal females were reading actual books. Like real books, found in some store, that sells books. I became sick to my stomach. So the task force was made to put an end to this silly nonsense once and for all.” Majumdar continued, “Now if a woman is caught reading, she will expect to never use her eyes again, especially to read a book. We are not playing around here, that is for 100% positive.”
Majumdar explained the various incentive programs that encourage men in Punjab to report women who are believed to be reading or possessing a book. “If a man turns in a female caught reading, that man will be rewarded with one ‘rape point’. If a man gets a total of five ‘rape points’, he is allowed to rape the woman of his choice in the village, no questions asked,” Majumdar said. “Rape points can also be redeemed for other things such as stereo systems and even downloads on iTunes. For only eight rape points you can get an entry into next year’s world famous Punjab Rape Festival.”
34-year-old Paul Horner who is in Punjab on business said he does not approve of what is happening in the country. “What the f*ck is wrong with these people?! Not allowing woman to read, or they will have their eyeballs removed? My work needs to stop sending me to these backward sh*tholes otherwise I’m quitting, that’s all there is to it.”
Majumdar finished the press conference by explaining the possibilities for the future of the task force and the program. “Men will always be smarter than women, that is just a fact. So removing their eyes might not be necessary, but seriously, who would want to be with a female that can read? Not I, that is for sure. I would rather see my country filled with millions of blind women rather than see one woman dare to question a man,” said Majumdar. “It all comes down to the idea of females having intelligence, how annoying would that be? That’s almost like having sex with a camel who is circumcised… it just makes no sense.”
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