India Removing Women’s Eyes Who Are Caught Reading Books

India girls not allowed to read

Punjab, India has officially banned females from reading books. Any woman caught reading will face the consequences set forth by the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force.

Punjab, INDIA — Located on the edge of India in the northwest corner of the region, the state of Punjab is taking drastic measures to prevent women from reading books, they are permanently removing their eyes.

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who heads up the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force (PARTF) explained to reporters the importance of what they are doing. “Woman in our villages were starting to speak out and question us, the powerful all-knowing man. We did some figuring of the matter and found out it was all because the females were beginning to learn how to write their names and even learning the letters of the alphabet,” Majumdar said. “Well, after a while, what do you know happens? Soon these unloyal females were reading actual books. Like real books, found in some  store, that sells books. I became sick to my stomach. So the task force was made to put an end to this silly nonsense once and for all.” Majumdar continued, “Now if a woman is caught reading, she will expect to never use her eyes again, especially to read a book. We are not playing around here, that is for 100% positive.”

Majumdar explained the various incentive programs that encourage men in Punjab to report women who are believed to be reading or possessing a book. “If a man turns in a female caught reading, that man will be rewarded with one ‘rape point’. If a man gets a total of five ‘rape points’, he is allowed to rape the woman of his choice in the village, no questions asked,” Majumdar said. “Rape points can also be redeemed for other things such as stereo systems and even downloads on iTunes. For only eight rape points you can get an entry into next year’s world famous Punjab Rape Festival.”

34-year-old Paul Horner who is in Punjab on business said he does not approve of what is happening in the country. “What the f*ck is wrong with these people?! Not allowing woman to read, or they will have their eyeballs removed? My work needs to stop sending me to these backward sh*tholes otherwise I’m quitting, that’s all there is to it.”

Majumdar finished the press conference by explaining the possibilities for the future of the task force and the program. “Men will always be smarter than women, that is just a fact. So removing their eyes might not be necessary, but seriously, who would want to be with a female that can read? Not I, that is for sure. I would rather see my country filled with millions of blind women rather than see one woman dare to question a man,” said Majumdar. “It all comes down to the idea of females having intelligence, how annoying would that be? That’s almost like having sex with a camel who is circumcised… it just makes no sense.”

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!

Click here to donate!

rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

The Punjab Rape Festival In India Begins This Week

Rape in India

Pictured here is the starting of last year’s Punjab Rape Festival, which locals say was a big success.

Punjab, INDIA — Men in India are already beginning to celebrate as the annual Punjab Rape Festival is just days away. Every non-married girl age 7-16 will have the chance to flee to safety or get raped.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Punjab dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is win-win for everyone.”

The Punjab Rape Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Ludhiana. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called ‘The Baalkrishan’.

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar tells reporters that he has been training all year for this event. “I’m going to get the most rapes this year. I’ve been practicing raping my sister and her friends every day. I will be rape superstar number one! I will get the Baalkrishan prize this year for sure!”


11-year-old Jaitashri Majumdar told reporters she almost did not get raped at last year’s festival. “I came so close to not getting raped. I almost got to the ‘rape-free-zone’ at the edge of town, but at the last minute 12 men jumped on me and raped me. Luckily I am just recovering now so I can participate in this year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by stoning.”

34-year-old Paul Horner from Toronto who is visiting Punjab on business told reporters he will be missing the festivities this year. “I’m getting the f*ck out of this backwards country tonight.”

India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States, though critics are quick to point out that is only because most rapes in India go unreported. For more information on the festival or if you would like to participate, please call the 24-hour Punjab Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

India working to end the Punjab Rape Festival

[Updated at 05-07-13 | 11:06 AM PDT] The winners of this years Punjab Rape Festival have been announced, click here.

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! GiveIndia.org is in no way associated or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate!

Funny news

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”


Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/24/2012 3:41:14 PM PDT

Todd AkinDequincy, LA — In a move that is shocking the nation today, the Honorable Judge Paul Horner of Dequincy Louisiana, reversed the guilty verdict of accused rapist Daryl James Thompson based on what the judge is calling the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. Horner said that since it was legitimate rape and that the victim actually got pregnant from Thompson, it proves the man could not have raped her. This announcement comes just days after Republican Todd Akin’s controversial comments aired on a St. Louis TV station. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” Akin said on Sunday.

Thompson was in court today for sentencing. This is when Horner announced he was reversing the jury’s unanamous guilty verdict from two weeks prior. Horner then dismissed all charges, apologized to Thompson for his time and then released him from custody. The decision by the judge is making headlines not just because the victim was able to positively identify her rapist but because the baby she gave birth to also matched Thompson’s DNA exactly. This is now the first accused rapist to be found not guilty using this new ‘Todd Akin Defense’.

Brandon Adams who was the State’s Prosecutor on the case said he was stunned by the judges decision and is now worried about future cases involving rape. “What Judge Horner did here today will set a precedent that can now be used in any future and past rape cases. Any rapist who impregnated a woman can now use the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. The scary part is this also applies to anyone in prison who is currently serving time for their crime,” Adams said. “We could realistically see thousands of violent rapists back on the streets in the next 30-90 days.”

Outside the Courthouse, Reverend Matt Johnson from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in Dequincy talked to reporters and said he supports the judges decision. “Judge Horner is doing god’s work,” Johnson said. “Republican Todd Akin is an amazing man and his beautiful words spoken the other day have inspired a remarkable person like Paul Horner to let an innocent man remain free. We have to obey what our elected officials like Akin say, and that is exactly what Judge Horner did. Our god is truly shining his everlasting love down on the town of Dequincy today.”

Family members of the rape victim said they don’t agree with the judge’s decision today whatsoever. The victim’s father spoke briefly to reporters before leaving with the other members of the family who were there for sentencing. “Judge Horner is completely insane and not living in this century. He’s out of touch with society and someone needs to legitimately rape him.”

The family of Daryl James Thompson has setup a hotline so people can send in their donations to help others wrongly found guilty of rape. They say the funds collected will be used for attorney fees to help those currently in prison be released as soon as possible.

  • The Daryl James Thompson Rape Release Hotline: (785) 273-0325