Surprise Winner At This Years Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year's Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year’s Punjab Rape Festival. Nikhil Thakur (second from left) being awarded ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes.

Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time Thakur had participated in the event and locals are still in shock.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters he is just baffled by this year’s winner. “We don’t know where Nikhil Thakur came from or who he is,” said Ahluwalia. “There are men in India who have participated in this festival since they were little boys, and then some guy just comes in here and wins it all by getting the most rapes.” Ahluwalia continued, “Well I can tell you that the locals around town are not too pleased.”

“It’s f*ckin’ bullsh*t, that’s what it is,” said 81-year-old Madhusmita Borthakur. “I’ve been participating in this festival since I was nine years old. And some new dude, some hip-hopper, just comes in and gets the most rapes. It’s not g*ddamn fair and I demand a recount!”

India working to end the Punjab Rape FestivalAhluwalia told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Punjab dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is win-win for everyone.” Ahluwalia continued, “The Punjab Rape Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Ludhiana. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called ‘The Baalkrishan’.”

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who tied for 3rd told reporters that he had been training all year for this event. “I told everyone that I would get the most rapes this year and I almost did!” Majumdar said, “I was practicing raping my sister and her friends every day and my hard work paid off!” Majumdar continued, “One day I will get the Baalkrishan prize for sure!”

WINNERS OF THIS YEAR PUNJAB RAPE FESTIVAL

1. Nikhil Thakur – 28 confirmed rapes
2. Suresh Ambiger – 24 confirmed rapes
3. Chandan Panjwani – 22 confirmed rapes
4. Harikrishna Majumdar – 22 confirmed rapes

“We normally award just three winners, but Harikrishna Majumdar was able to sneak in there at the last minute and get rape number 22,” said Ahluwalia. “We are all so proud of him!”


34-year-old Paul Horner who is a Rape Crisis Specialist said the rape statistics in India are incorrect. “Currently India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States. This information is false for a number of reasons,” says Horner. “In India, for a woman that has been raped to go to the police she needs four to five witnesses to collaborate her story. This act will also shame her and her family for life. In India the woman is blamed for the rape, not the man. Plus in a lot of cases the woman can be stoned to death or even forced to marry the man who raped her. In the United States of course that does not exist in our free society. Well excuse me, it may not be a free society, but when it comes to a woman being able to report a rape to the proper authorities, justice is always served,” Horner continued, “No one looks down on a rape victim in the United States. She is only greeted with open arms and the person responsible goes to prison.” Horner finished by explaining to reporters, “I imagine in India, realistically, only about 2% of all rapes actually get reported. It is so sad. I truly hope the Indian Government starts doing something about this pure evil and embarrassment to their country.”

For more information about the festival or if you would like to participate in next year’s event, please call the 24-hour Punjab Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

###

WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! NOTE: GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate!

rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”


India Removing Women’s Eyes Who Are Caught Reading Books

India girls not allowed to read

Punjab, India has officially banned females from reading books. Any woman caught reading will face the consequences set forth by the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force.

Punjab, INDIA — Located on the edge of India in the northwest corner of the region, the state of Punjab is taking drastic measures to prevent women from reading books, they are permanently removing their eyes.

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who heads up the newly created Punjab Anti-Reading Task Force (PARTF) explained to reporters the importance of what they are doing. “Woman in our villages were starting to speak out and question us, the powerful all-knowing man. We did some figuring of the matter and found out it was all because the females were beginning to learn how to write their names and even learning the letters of the alphabet,” Majumdar said. “Well, after a while, what do you know happens? Soon these unloyal females were reading actual books. Like real books, found in some  store, that sells books. I became sick to my stomach. So the task force was made to put an end to this silly nonsense once and for all.” Majumdar continued, “Now if a woman is caught reading, she will expect to never use her eyes again, especially to read a book. We are not playing around here, that is for 100% positive.”

Majumdar explained the various incentive programs that encourage men in Punjab to report women who are believed to be reading or possessing a book. “If a man turns in a female caught reading, that man will be rewarded with one ‘rape point’. If a man gets a total of five ‘rape points’, he is allowed to rape the woman of his choice in the village, no questions asked,” Majumdar said. “Rape points can also be redeemed for other things such as stereo systems and even downloads on iTunes. For only eight rape points you can get an entry into next year’s world famous Punjab Rape Festival.”

34-year-old Paul Horner who is in Punjab on business said he does not approve of what is happening in the country. “What the f*ck is wrong with these people?! Not allowing woman to read, or they will have their eyeballs removed? My work needs to stop sending me to these backward sh*tholes otherwise I’m quitting, that’s all there is to it.”

Majumdar finished the press conference by explaining the possibilities for the future of the task force and the program. “Men will always be smarter than women, that is just a fact. So removing their eyes might not be necessary, but seriously, who would want to be with a female that can read? Not I, that is for sure. I would rather see my country filled with millions of blind women rather than see one woman dare to question a man,” said Majumdar. “It all comes down to the idea of females having intelligence, how annoying would that be? That’s almost like having sex with a camel who is circumcised… it just makes no sense.”

###

WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more!

Click here to donate!

rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

The Punjab Rape Festival In India Begins This Week

Rape in India

Pictured here is the starting of last year’s Punjab Rape Festival, which locals say was a big success.

Punjab, INDIA — Men in India are already beginning to celebrate as the annual Punjab Rape Festival is just days away. Every non-married girl age 7-16 will have the chance to flee to safety or get raped.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Punjab dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is win-win for everyone.”

The Punjab Rape Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Ludhiana. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called ‘The Baalkrishan’.

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar tells reporters that he has been training all year for this event. “I’m going to get the most rapes this year. I’ve been practicing raping my sister and her friends every day. I will be rape superstar number one! I will get the Baalkrishan prize this year for sure!”


11-year-old Jaitashri Majumdar told reporters she almost did not get raped at last year’s festival. “I came so close to not getting raped. I almost got to the ‘rape-free-zone’ at the edge of town, but at the last minute 12 men jumped on me and raped me. Luckily I am just recovering now so I can participate in this year’s events, otherwise I would be put to death by stoning.”

34-year-old Paul Horner from Toronto who is visiting Punjab on business told reporters he will be missing the festivities this year. “I’m getting the f*ck out of this backwards country tonight.”

India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States, though critics are quick to point out that is only because most rapes in India go unreported. For more information on the festival or if you would like to participate, please call the 24-hour Punjab Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

India working to end the Punjab Rape Festival

[Updated at 05-07-13 | 11:06 AM PDT] The winners of this years Punjab Rape Festival have been announced, click here.

###

WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! GiveIndia.org is in no way associated or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate!

Funny news

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”