Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The Afterlife

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The AfterlifeProvo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.

Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religion’s biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If any one of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”

58 year old Susan Litchey, who is a big Mitt Romney supporter, said she’s happy for him getting his own universe in the afterlife. “As a longtime Christian, Mitt’s religion and my own are actually very similar. So what if he’s going to be god of his own universe when he dies, I think that’s really neat,” Litchey said. “These people that don’t agree with him are just jealous because they probably want to be god of their own universe too. Personally I hope I get selected as one of his eternally pregnant wives.”

“This is what the Mormons actually believe,” says Paul Horner who is an ex-member of the Mormon religion. “I was a Mormon for 30 years. It’s a religion created by a guy named Joseph Smith who was a liar and a cheat. He started the religion for money and woman, that’s all,” Horner explains. “They roped me in with the idea that it’s just like Christianity. They don’t tell you all these weird secrets until years later. My whole life became about them so when I finally decided to leave, I had no one left to fall back on. It was really tough.” Horner continues, “I can’t believe Romney’s religion hasn’t become more of an issue in these elections. Christians that are voting for this guy because they think his beliefs are on par with their own are extremely mistaken. Or they just don’t want to vote for a black guy as president, which if I had to guess, is 90% of what’s actually behind all of Romney’s popularity.”

“The women they selected as my eternally pregnant wives are big girls and definitely not very appealing to the eyes. I’m seriously doubting my faith today,” Romney said. “I’ve actually been thinking about joining the Muslim religion, but the idea of 72 virgins when I die…jeez, that just sounds like a lot of work to me. Maybe I’ll just take one of my lift trucks and run the forklift forks through $150,000 worth of vodka.” Romney continued, “I guess I’ll just join Scientology. Xenu the Galactic Overlord and Tom Cruise can’t be any worse than my doomed fate.”

Rick Santorum Voted People’s Sexiest Republican Alive

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT
Rick Santorum voted sexiest Republican by People magazineThe magazine People is pleased to announce Rick Santorum as this year’s sexiest Republican alive. This is Santorum’s first win as ‘sexiest’ and was chosen from a long list of other Republicans currently serving in office.

“I think this is fantastic,” Rick Santorum said this morning at a press conference after he was informed of being voted sexiest Republican alive. “This just proves that you don’t have to be gay to be sexy and if you are gay, well, that’s just gross.”

“He’s not afraid to get wild and crazy sometimes, just be himself,” Susan Kindle editor for People said, “He loathes gay people because of the bible but at the same time has his whole staff work on the Sabbath. According to the bible, those employees of his should be put to death! Oh man, classic Santorum! Just making it up as he goes along. Only one word for that… sexy!”

After receiving the ‘Sexiest Republican Alive’ award, Santorum spoke briefly about Iran. “They don’t have many sexy individuals over there. They are a nation full of religious zealots, that with the help of god, will be blown off the face of this planet. With god’s love and mercy, they will all burn in hell for eternity.”

Paul Horner of Louisiana said he hopes this win will eventually lead to a Presidency for Santorum. “Yeah he’s sexy, but I want him as my next president. He doesn’t need a lot of fancy schoolin’ degrees like our current president, he’s got a PHD in Jesus.” Horner goes on to say, “I for one know I’ll get a lot more done once pornography becomes illegal. Though I am worried about all the missionary sex I’ll be having with no contraception. Maybe Mr. Santorum will allow me to use a condom if it has a picture of the Virgin Mary on it. I sure would appreciate that.”

Steve Reynold’s marketing executive for People said, “It was a tough choice to find a Republican that we could call sexy because they’re all kind of fat and old.” Reynold’s said, “Rick Santorum isn’t bald, he’s under seventy and he weighs less than 300 pounds… so yeah, he’s our winner.”