Gay Wedding Mobile Vans Cashing In On The Legalization Of Gay Marriage

Since Friday, when the Supreme court ruled in favor of legalizing gay marriage, entrepreneurs around the world have been figuring out ways to cash in.

Phoenix, Arizona resident, Paul Horner told local news station ABC 15 how he got his business rolling.

“It was actually really simple,” Horner said. “I bought a van, fixed it up and added a sweet rainbow paint job. Then I went online and became an ordained minister, took me just a few minutes. Then I bought some camera equipment, flowers and some ingredients to make wedding cakes with; I’m good to go!”

Paul Horner gay marriage mobile
The Paul Horner Gay Marriage Mobile – Picture courtesy of Dennis System AP

These are interesting times and there is money in the streets. Who will be there to pick it up, I guess that is the question.

The US Mint Plans To Release Caitlyn Jenner Gold Coin

Caitlyn gold coin by the US Mint

The Caitlyn Jenner gold coin by the US Mint scheduled to be released July 4th. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Beginning July 4th, the US Mint will begin its limited release of Caitlyn Jenner Commemorative Gold Coins. The move is said to celebrate Caitlyn’s bravery and living the American dream.

“This coin symbolizes a shared history and friendship with the sports star,” said U.S. Mint Director Paul Horner.

The coin is legal tender and is struck from 14.1 grams of pure gold. The commemorative coin is available at the pre-issue price of $799.00 through August 4th, and $949.00 thereafter. To qualify for pre-issue discount prices, orders must be postmarked or received no later than July 4th, 2015 and a limit of 5 coins per household is strictly enforced.

The designer of the coin, Tom Downey, said he wanted to show Caitlyn in her true form.

“I wanted to capture Caitlyn in all of her beauty and grace showing just how brave she is.”

The Caitlyn Jenner gold coin can be purchased directly online at USMINT.gov or by calling (785) 273-0325.

Fight Club 2 Announced And Begins Filming In November Of This Year

Hollywood, CA — Fight Club fans around the world are celebrating as a sequel to the cult classic has just been announced. This is the must-see movie of the decade and probably the most highly anticipated film in recent memory.

David Fincher, director of the first Fight Club movie, confirmed with E! Online that production of Fight Club 2 will begin in November of this year.

Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, and Helena Bonham Carter also return in this action packed film about underground fight clubs and soap making.

“We’re thrilled to be coming back to film a second part to this classic movie,” Fincher told reporters. “For years we’ve been staying away from doing this project but when we received this new script and the cast fell into place, it was a no-brainer. We just had to do it.”

Paul Horner, who helped write the script, spoke with CNN to shed light on the plot behind the highly anticipated sequel.

“The movie picks right back up where it left off with Edward Norton and Marla Singer holding hands with the buildings coming down all around them. What happens in that part of the movie shows Project Mayhem attempting to outrun the FBI and other law enforcement agencies, while at the same time bringing down more of the Establishment that holds our society together,” Horner said. “Now skip ahead 17 years later, a son was conceived by Norton and Singer who has risen to power and with humanity slowly returning to the stone age, tribes are formed. This child begins creating factions around the world that flourish, but problems are always just around the corner,” Horner continues. “Now fast forward 200-5,000 years and you see the many offspring of Norton’s and Singer’s offspring have turned the remaining population of the world into one and that is the life they all know and accept.”

Horner speaks further with MSNBC about Brad Pitt and his role in the sequel.

“Brad Pitt will also be returning, but as a different entity; you’ll learn about Tyler Durden’s past along with his immortality, his eternal life and the ability to live forever. Without giving away too much, there are giant pyramids and makeshift cities, and the ironic twist to it all, those have now become the corporations controlling the population, something Project Mayhem had previously fought so hard to destroy. It’s going to be a fun ride, that’s for sure.”

Also making a dramatic appearance in the movie is acting legend Bill Murray. Murray spoke with TMZ and said he is extremely excited to play a serious role in the upcoming sequel.

“I always loved the first movie, so when David Fincher offered me the role of Edward Norton’s long lost father, I couldn’t say no,” Murray said. “I’ve been fortunate enough to read the entire screenplay and I can say without a doubt, old and new fans are going to be in for a real treat.”

Fight Club 2

Film critic Jill Bryan with the New York Times says this movie should be huge.

“I’m so thrilled this project is finally happening. With a movie by the extremely talented David Fincher you just can’t go wrong. This is definitely at the top of my list for most anticipated upcoming movies.”

The sequel to the film is loosely based on a comic written by Chuck Palahniuk, who also wrote the formative novel for the original Fight Club movie. Palahuniuk told CNN about his 10-issue maxiseries that was illustrated by Cameron Stewart.

“Fight Club 2 takes place alternately in the future and the past. It picks up a decade after the ending of his original book, where the protagonist is married to equally problematic Marla Singer and has a 9-year-old son named Junior, though the narrator is failing his son in the same way his dad failed him.”

In the interview, Palahniuk says readers will learn of Tyler Durden’s true origins.

“Tyler is something that has been around for centuries and is not just this aberration that popped into Edward Norton’s mind.”

Palahniuk brings back most of the characters in the first book as well as the organization Project Mayhem, which still has its hooks in the narrator as he has to save his boy when the youngster’s life is in peril.

The original Fight Club is a 1999 film directed by David Fincher and stars Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, and Helena Bonham Carter. Norton plays the unnamed protagonist, an “everyman” who is discontented with his white-collar job. He forms a “fight club” with soap maker Tyler Durden, played by Pitt, and they are joined by men who also want to fight recreationally. The narrator becomes embroiled in a relationship with Durden and a dissolute woman, Marla Singer, played by Bonham Carter.

The scheduled release date for Fight Club 2 is the Summer of 2017.

McDonald’s To Begin Employing Only Robots To Run It’s Store In Phoenix

Phoenix, Arizona  —  A McDonald’s restaurant in is scrapping the idea of employing humans to run its new store opening in Phoenix, Arizona and going with robots.
The robots will take orders, collect money, make food, you name and they can do it.

Paul Horner, the stores manager, and only human, told CNN he will be there for customer complaints and to make sure the robots run correctly.

“I’m proud to be a part of this. It’s the first time any store or restaurant will be run entirely be robots. I can’t wait.”

Will this be a good thing for humanity? Some think it is a step in the right direction and the future of fast food. Though critics like Michelle Bernstein disagree.

“Young kids, who can’t get jobs anywhere else rely on getting a job as McDonald’s,” Bernstein told reporters. “But now with the robots running the place, all those children will remain unemployed. It’s just so sad.”

I for one welcome are new burger overlords.

Pothole Activist Wanksy Has Been Arrested

London, England — The graffiti artist and pothole activist known as Wanksy has been arrested. The City of London Police told the BBC that Wanksy’s real name is Paul Edwin Horner.

Wanksy arrested in London
London Police Chief James Edwards held a press conference explain how Horner was finally apprehended.

“We had a 24-hour Anti-Graffiti Pothole Task Force monitoring different locations where Wanksy was known to frequent. We received word that around 2am an individual left a flat speculated to belong to Wanksy. This individual was followed by agents and once vandalism had occurred, we then arrested the man.”

Horner has been using industrial chalk to draw penises around potholes all over England to encourage crews to fix the eyesores quicker than they normally would.

27-year old Matthew Aldridge told reporters he was discouraged to learn of Wanksy’s arrest.

“What a waste of taxpayers money. Wouldn’t it be better spent fighting the war against drugs or violence ?”

Horner is currently being held without bail on charges of vandalism, vigilantism, graffiti, and conspiracy; more charges may follow. If you know of any other charges that could be used against Horner, London Police working alongside with the F.B.I. have setup a hotline. Please call (785) 273-0325 and you can remain anonymous.

Facebook To Begin Charging Members $1.99/mo Starting In June

Facebook monthly fee of $1.99/mo to begin in JuneFacebook will begin charging its users $1.99/mo starting June 1st. The change takes place after Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference today announcing the news.

“This is something that must be done,” Zuckerberg told reporters.

If you cannot afford the monthly fee, in a new status update, copy and paste the words, ‘I LOVE FACEBOOK AND I AM POOR SO PLEASE WAIVE MY MONTHLY FEE’. You must also include the hashtag #ILoveFacebookAndIAmPoor.

Will this be a good or bad thing for Facebook? Time will only tell.

DRUGS IN COLORADO: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.



“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”



Tom Downey, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”

John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never tried drugs.”

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Downey said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.





First Ever Head Transplant Is a Success

Doctors in Africa are reporting that a 36-year-old man has made an 80% recovery after receiving the first ever head transplant.

Horner, whose body was riddled with bone cancer, received the donor body from a 21-year-old man who has been brain dead from a car accident back in 2012.

Doctors are excited about the surgery and expect Horner to make a full recovery within one year.

One of the doctors that performed the surgery told reporters, “After the success of this surgery, the possibilities to saving and improving lives are infinite.”

BREAKING NEWS: It’s Snowing In The Northeast, Again

Ken Harris shoveling his driveway in the Northeast

Ken Harris shoveling his sidewalk in the Northeast, again.

Boston, MA — A massive snow storm and blizzard is hitting the Northeast, again. The winter storm is stranding motorists on highways and piling up drifts so high that some homeowners are having problems getting their doors open. This may remind you of the great snow storm from 2014 where the exact same situation happened, along with every other year before that.

Erich Sean from Boston said he gets frustrated every year around this exact same time.

“I just keep telling myself that maybe this will be the year we don’t get blizzards and huge snow storms, but I’m always wrong,” Kelly said. “Well, maybe next year I’ll be right.”

Paul Horner who is weather man for WCVB said he was amazed with all the snowfall happening in the Northeast.

“When I first heard about the snowstorm I couldn’t understand how this could be possible. To see all this snow in February during the winter time, it just blows your mind,” Horner said. “I just want to say a word to all of our loyal viewers and readers; if you’re out in the snow, without clothes on, go back inside your home and put clothes on immediately. Then proceed to do what you’ve always done during February for the past 100 years or however long you’ve lived in the Northeast.”

73-year-old Wanda Jenkins from Sun City, Arizona told reporters she cannot believe the news about all the snowstorms and blizzards happening in the Northeast.


“Oh lawd, it’s just horrible. Have you seen the news lately? It’s snowing like crazy in the Northeast, again. And all of this during wintertime, in February, just like it always does,” Jenkins said. “I’m planning on sending care packages to all of my relatives that live in the Northeast. Each box will be filled with fake snow and photographs of my beautiful backyard and garden. I think I’ll take the pictures this Saturday, while in my shorts and t-shirt, when it’s supposed to be 80 degrees with clear blue skies.”

The National Weather Service is warning people living in the Northeast to expect more snow and blizzards. The threat level on their website has been elevated to “Normal”, which is where it has been since threat levels for snow and blizzards in the Northwest began being documented over 50 years ago.

If you know of a family member or loved one living in the Northeast, expect them to call you complaining about the weather. Make sure you have caller ID or a block in place so you can disregard their bitching that happens every year at this exact same time.





Christian Anti-Masturbation’s Mascot Arrested For Public Masturbation While Accepting Award In The Tybee Islands

Tybee Island, GA — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group was arrested yesterday for masturbating in public. The mascot along with his organization, Stop Masturbation Now, recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which they claim focused on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 36-year-old Paul Horner, was arrested outside Tybee Vacation Rentals located in the Tybee Islands after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows.

Tom Downey with the Tybee Island Police Department, who took Horner into custody, spoke with Savannah, Georgia news station WJCL about the arrest.

Tybee mascot Fappy Paul Horner

The contest held by the Tybee Island Police Department to find a new mascot, which was won by Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

“We thought at first he was possibly intoxicated or mentally unstable, ya know, talking about children and how deadly it is for them to masturbate. Telling us he was in town with a Christian organization aimed at talking with children about the dangers of masturbation. Saying things like, ‘They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick or ringing the Devil’s doorbell’,” Downey said. “Turns out he was in town accepting an award to be the new mascot for the Tybee Island Police Department. I didn’t believe this at first, but after further investigation, it turns out this was factual information, so this whole ordeal is quite an embarrassment for the police force here on Tybee Island. We further learned that Mr. Horner has two previous arrests for public masturbation while with the Christian organization Stop Masturbation Now. We’re still looking into why that didn’t show up in our background check we did on Horner before giving him the award. Horner is technically the new mascot for the Tybee Island Police Department, but a hearing will be held later today to hopefully strip that roll from him as soon as possible.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done amazing things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He’s passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Tybee five-oh, such a shame. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this incident is resolved. Praise Fappy!”

Horner told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment.

“I want to apologize to all my amazing faithful Fappy fans out there, I love and miss you all,” Horner said. “You have my word that I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.”

On the group’s Facebook page this morning, news was posted of the arrest.

I have some bad news everyone. I want you to hear it here first before the media outlets spread their lies about the incident. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is Paul Horner, was arrested yesterday by the Tybee Island Police Department. Our lawyers tell us he is being charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He is currently being held at the Tybee Island jail in Georgia until a bond is set by a judge, this happening hopefully soon. Please don’t jump to any conclusions about this until we have all the evidence. Please keep Fappy in your prayers during this difficult time.



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