Obama Allows Texas To Secede From The Union

Texas to secede from UnionWashington, D.C. — Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are currently requesting secession.

Obama told reporters that he will be sad to see Texas go but said his administration won’t stand in the way of their happiness. “They will be missed, but if this is what they truly want, I wish them all the best,” Obama said.

Eric Burns who heads up The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality spoke to reporters about the current economic state of Texas. “Texas secessionists claim their state to be one of the largest and because of this the most capable of maintaining independence, yet Texas remains one of the poorest states in the nation,” Burns said. “Almost one in four Texans are uninsured. The state ranks worst in the nation for health care delivery and this isn’t even including the nearly 4 million Texans relying on federal nutrition assistance. It’s going to be a mess for them once they secede in January.”

Paul Horner, Obama’s top political adviser, said he’s confused with Texas and their decision to secede. “I’m not sure if they are aware of this but the government maintains relations with other countries, runs the Army, Navy, Air Force, Border Patrol and Customs, all to protect this country. They also provide food stamps and welfare among many other things, all of which they will no longer receive,” Horner said. “Governor Perry accepted $17.4 billion in stimulus packages from the government last year that of course we expect to be returned. The USDA farm subsidies in Texas have received $25.9 billion in federal funds from 1995-2011, so that won’t be happening anymore.” Horner continued, “Texas, you’re all good to go and join Mexico, just let us check your pockets first.”

Marsellus Wallace who is a spokesman for the president had one last thing to say before ending the press conference. “What now? I tell you what happens now between the United States and Texas. There is no United States and Texas. Not no more,” Wallace said. “Texas, you leave town January 1st, and when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your United States privileges.”

Obama's letter to Texas to Secede

President Obama Presents Paul Horner With Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game

Paul Horner awardWashington, D.C. — At a press conference this morning President Barack Obama presented Paul Horner the Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game. This prestigious award is presented once every 100 years to the most famous, powerful, successful and good looking person in the world.

Obama told reporters how proud he is to present this award to Horner. “Folks need to appreciate everything that Mr. Horner has done for mankind,” Obama said. “He is a living legend. He’s contributed so much to society and has never asked for anything in return.” Obama continued, “It’s also Mr. Horner’s 34th birthday today as well. I hope he invites me to his birthday party.”

Reporters were given a list of occupations and job titles that Horner currently holds. They are as follows:

Maryland’s $640 million Mega Millions winner
Employee for the NAACP
Owner of Horner Airlines
Obama’s presidential adviser
A member of Pat Robertson’s choir group
The president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook
A Texas billionaire
Ex-member of the Mormon religion
Protest organizer
New York Times editor
54-year-old doctor – prison escapee
Founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’
Facebook spokesman
Police Chief of DeQuincy, Louisiana
The owner of 9Gag
Chief of Police in Austin, Texas
Campaign spokesman for Mitt Romney
Republican Congressman
Phoenix Police Department SALTS Task Force
New York Times Film Critic
Spokesman for the Church of Scientology
Mormon council of Elders
TSA supervisor
Marijuana Dispensary owner
Bill Murray’s agent
Cult leader
President of NAMBLA
Avid marijuana user
Television executive at NBC
NASA scientist
CEO and Managing Director of Ttokkyo Laboratories
Judge in Dequincy, Louisiana
Producer at Comedy Central
Four-time Tony Award winner
Hero who stopped robbery by quoting Pulp Fiction
Clint Eastwood’s agent
Statue artist in Times Square
Free speech advocate
Multimillionaire that paid zero taxes
Senior political analyst for FOX News
Top three finalists in the LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest
Head of the DAFUQ Task Force
President of eHarmony
Head of the DEA in El Paso, Texas
President of the World
New York City Police Chief
Campaign manager for Mitt Romney
Political adviser for Governor Bobby Jindal from Louisiana
Obama’s top political adviser
Disgruntled Papa John’s employee
29-year old from Apple Valley, Minnesota
Writer for Ghostbusters 3
Arizona’s record $588 Powerball winner
Senator from Texas

Paul Horner spoke briefly to reporters before getting on his Gulfstream G650 private jet to spend his birthday with super models in Brazil. “Thug life bitches,” Horner said. “It’s all about my swag that keeps this flowin’ goin’, best believe that!”

Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President

Mitt Romney drops out of presidential raceWashington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away.

Mitt Romney spoke to reporters and explained his actions. “After careful consideration I realize I have absolutely no chance of winning the presidency on Tuesday. By endorsing Obama now, I can walk away from this without completely embarrassing everyone further than I already have. That includes my family, the Mormon Religion, my supporters, the Republican Party and of course myself.” Romney continued, “Just remember, I’m the best the Republican party could come up with this election year.”

Campaign manager Paul Horner does not agree with Romney’s decision and would like to see an alternative to his actions. “I think it’s ridiculous he’s dropping out of the race just days before the election,” Horner said. “I still don’t even know what his stance on anything is, and I’m his campaign manager. I guess this will just be something to put on the ol’ resume after this is all over.” Horner continued, “I think everyone that was going to vote for him would have been on the wrong side of history, but that’s what makes history so fun and exciting!”

“America, it’s not you, it’s me,” Romney said. “I would also like to formally apologize to Big Bird and anyone else I offended during my campaign of gaffes, lies and confusion. My magic underwear can only do so many miracles.”

Republicans that promised to move to Canada if Obama won are already starting to make the journey. “Well, our family is moving to Canada tomorrow.” Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “I don’t care if it’s a socialist country and the gays run things up there. At least the president there isn’t a Muslim negro from Kenya without a birth certificate.”

Hurricane Sandy made a statement to reporters explaining how sorry it was to have come during such an important time as the presidential elections. “My timing was just really bad and I truly apologize to the American people. I made Obama look like a hero and Romney like a zero,” Sandy said. “I think Romney is being the bigger man here and dropping out before losing the last tiny little shred of dignity he had left.” Hurricane Sandy continued, “I’m part of the 1% and Romney’s tax plan would have really helped me out a lot. Sorry guys.”

Romney said his plans for the future are to bankrupt more companies, put more people out of work, build a time machine to travel back in time to live in the 1950’s and become a god of his own universe when he dies.

eHarmony Acquires Romney’s Binders Full Of Women For Their Premium Members

The Ass Press
Posted: 10/20/2012 11:00:42 PM PDT

eHarmony buys Mitt Romney's binders full of womenSanta Monica, CA — The online dating website eHarmony is proud to announce that it has purchased Mitt Romney’s binders full of women and is making them exclusively available to all of their premium members.

Paul Horner who is the president of eHarmony said he is excited to offer it’s members more options when it comes to dating. “At eHarmony we are ecstatic to have worked out a deal with the Romney camp in acquiring these binders full of women,” Horner said. “Dating and finding that perfect match is hard enough these days. But now with Romney’s binders full of women it will make it that much easier when it comes to finding your true soul mate.”

The ‘binders full of woman’ controversy occurred during Tuesday’s presidential debate in a response to a question on gender pay inequality. “I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women,” Romney said.

Critics of eHarmony offering these binders full of women to their members say it is wrong and immoral. “These binders are meant to help these women find jobs, not be targeted by horny men on a dating site. This is just disgusting what eHarmony and Romney are doing,” 33-year old Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “After this there is no way that I would vote for Mitt Romney. Even though Obama is black, he now has my vote.”

Dick Johnson from the Romney campaign said selling the binders of women to eHarmony was meant to help the economy and is in no way meant to embarrass these women. “By now the women in these binders would have found jobs, but they haven’t,” Johnson told reporters. “Mitt Romney is concerned about the well being of these women. He knows that if they can’t get a job at least they can find a husband through eHarmony who will support them while they cook and clean and raise the babies.”

To sign up for eHarmony’s new program called eRomoney you can contact the 24-hour Binders Full Of Women Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Obama: Halloween Changed To November 2nd This Year

The Ass Press
Posted: 10/13/2012 4:00:42 PM PDT

Halloween date changes this yearWashington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce some new changes his office plans on implementing to make the country run more efficiently. Obama and his team are calling these new changes ‘DAFUQ’, which is an initialism for ‘Defending America’s Family Unifying Quality’. The first DAFUQ will be implemented this month and will be applied towards changing the date of Halloween from October 31st to November 2nd.

“It works out better for everyone this way,” Obama told reporters. “Instead of Halloween falling on a weekday, it now falls on a Friday. That means the kids get to stay out later and collect more candy because it’s not a school night. The young adults get to stay up later and socialize because it’s a weekend, thus spending for local businesses will increase. And the homeowners passing out the candy are not bothered that they have to hand out candy till 9 or 10 pm since for most Americans, a Saturday usual means a day off of work.”

Mike Wang who is a customs agent at the Canadian border said he’s worried about all the possible criminal activity that could occur with after Halloween specials. “Since Canada’s Halloween will go on as regularly scheduled, we are worried about people buying up all the Halloween discounted merchandise in Canada on November 1st, smuggling their goods into the states and then selling them to the people there at full price,” Wang said. “We hope that Canada and the United States can work together on this to prevent criminals from taking advantage of the situation.”

Paul Horner who is in charge of the DAFUQ Task Force says rules will strongly be enforced for any lawbreakers. “We’ll be working with local and national law enforcement to make sure these new changes are not taken advantage of. Any children caught trick-or-treating on October 31st instead of November 2nd will be arrested and prosecuted,” Horner said. “We’ll be posting all the new laws online shortly. As long as you’re following the rules there is no reason that you or any of your family members will end up in prison.”

Obama finished the press conference by explaining the possible future of DAFUQ. “This is just one of our many ideas we’re planning to roll out to make the country run more smoothly,” Obama said. “We might be doing to this for Thanksgiving and Christmas too. We’re currently exploring the idea of Christmas falling sometime in February, maybe around Valentines Day, but we’ll see how Halloween in November works out first.”

To report anyone trick-or-treating on October 31st or for more information, please contact the DAFUQ 24-hour hot line at (785) 273-0325.

Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Clint Eastwood Takes Chair On Nationwide Comedy Tour

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/10/2012 8:00:11 AM PDT

Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy TourTampa, FL — Clint Eastwood is taking his empty-chair routine from the Republican National Convention on a nationwide comedy tour. The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ will soon be coming to major cities and comedy clubs all around the country. The tour kicks off in Arizona on September 25th at Copper Blues in downtown Phoenix and ends in Dallas, Texas on November 17th.

Eastwood’s agent Paul Horner held a press conference this morning to talk to reporters about the upcoming ’empty-chair’ comedy tour. “Mr. Eastwood is extremely excited about doing this,” Horner explained. “If you thought Clint Eastwood talking to an invisible Obama at the RNC was hilarious, just wait till you see him with his chair live and uncensored.”

Long-time Clint Eastwood fan Eric Burns from Tampa said he’s looking forward to the comedy tour. “Ever since I was a little kid, Clint Eastwood has always been my hero,” Burns said. “When he was on stage at the Republican convention talking to that empty chair, it blew my f*cking mind. It was like Obama was sitting there, but at the same time he wasn’t actually sitting there. All I could think of was that this was some crazy M. Night Shyamalan type of sh*t.” Burns continued, “I live in Tampa so I can’t wait till he performs here in November. I’m buying tickets for this thing today.”

Kyle Brock who is a political adviser for Mitt Romney supports what Eastwood is doing. “Clint’s empty-chair routine at the Republican National Convention amazed everyone in attendance. Unfortunately everyone else in the real world, outside the convention, was calling him senile and his performance sad and pathetic.” Brock continued, “I think this comedy tour of his is exciting and will spread Romney’s message, whatever that may be, across the country.”

The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ begins September 25th in Phoenix, Arizona and ends November 17th in Dallas, Texas. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24-hour Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour Hotline.

  • Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 09-15-12 | 10:56 PM PDT] Saturday Night Live agrees that my idea for a Clint Eastwood chair comedy tour would be a good idea.

Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Auctioning Off Pot Seized In Drug Raids since 2008Washington DC — In a move said to raise funds for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama today announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since 2008. The auctions are to be held in only the states that have legalized the drug and only to users with a medical marijuana card.

22-year-old Leland Hollandale from San Diego said he’s excited to participate in these auctions. “This is so cool. I’ll be able to buy my weed cheap, all off the broken dreams of others who are now in prison. I’m so stoked!”

Critics are quick to point out Obama’s stance on marijuana when he ran for President. “Back in 2008 when running for President, Obama said he would be lenient on marijuana laws, but since taking office he’s done just the complete opposite,” said 30-year-old Chris Roybal from New Mexico. “He’s conducted major raids in every state that has legalized marijuana. He’s seized billions of dollars worth of property and assets, ruined families, and put thousands of people in prison. All of this over a harmless plant that should be legal in the first place. He is by far the toughest President on marijuana in over 20 years.”

Paul Horner had his marijuana dispensary raided back in February and is now looking at 10 years in prison. “These auctions are beyond ridiculous. He’s taking the marijuana that’s been seized on a Federal level from states that have legalized it, and then selling it back to them. Obama is by far the biggest drug kingpin in the world and instead of being locked up in prison, he’s the President of The United States.”

Garret Roach, head of the DEA task force in California, said he’s excited about what Obama is doing. “We’ll be carefully watching and tracking everyone that’s buying marijuana from these auction houses. Obama already gave us the green light for raids in all 50 states at the beginning of his presidency. These auctions will give our organization so many new leads in the war on drugs. I can’t wait to make more seizures and put the bad guys in jail.”

Marijuana auction houses will be setting up in all major cities of states that have legalized the drug. Only people carrying a medical marijuana card will be allowed to participate. Users will be limited to two pounds of marijuana per month.

The DEA has setup a 24 hour hotline to answer any questions you may have and to find a marijuana auction house near you.

  • Marijuana Auction Hotline: (785) 273-0325
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Mitt Romney Leaving The Mormon Religion For Christianity

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT

Mitt Romney switches from Mormonism to ChristianityProvo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions.

“Most of the American people are of the Christian faith. It only makes sense as a Presidential candidate to be part of the majority. I will be whatever the people want me to be.”

Paul Horner from the Mormon council of Elders said he was disappointed in Romney’s decision today. “Do you know how much money we’re going to lose now without him paying his weekly 10% tithing? We’re probably going to have to shut down at least a dozen churches, maybe even a whole city. I just hope he still doesn’t expect to become a god of his own universe when he dies.”

Romney said he’s most excited about what the Christians refer to as ‘confession’. “If I become President and I do anything wrong, all I have to do is go to confession for 10 minutes, and then it’s like it never happened. I should have become a Christian years ago.”

Dean Huls who is an avid Romney supporter said he is confused with his decision today. “I don’t know why he’s doing this so close to the election. Most Christians already think Obama is a Muslim trying  to eradicate the Christian religion, plus he’s black. Romney could be a pedophile into satanic rituals and paganism… he’s still getting the Christian vote.”

Romney told reporters he’s giving a tax break to all carpenters and people with the name Jesus. “In addition to the tax breaks for people named Jesus, I’m also providing them with free healthcare since most people named Jesus don’t pay for it anyway.”

Romney said he got the idea to become Christian when his wife returned home pregnant after a three month cruise to the Bahamas. “Ann told me that since I couldn’t have impregnated her the only answer was immaculate conception. I can’t explain how happy we are to be a part in the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Romney continued, “Plus the Mormon religion is kind of odd with their beliefs in getting your own universe when you die and the woman becoming eternally pregnant. A god that created Adam and Eve who communicated with a talking snake and a human being that can walk on water just makes much more sense to me.”

Romney finished the press conference by informing reporters what his first duty as a Christian President will be if he becomes elected. “I will be working with Congress to pass laws against anyone possessing or wearing the Christian cross. The laws will be especially tough on churches who continue to display a cross anywhere on their building. A cross is the last thing Jesus would want to see when he returns.”