First Gay Marriage To Be Held At The White House

Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood


President Obama, seen here with his brother, Malik Obama from Kenya, is just one member of the Muslim Brotherhood who plans to attend the gay wedding between Michael Sam and Vito Cammisano to be held at the White House. (AP Photo/Michael Kortas)

Washington, DC — In what is being dubbed as the “Wedding Of The Century”, openly-gay football star of the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam and his long-time boyfriend, Vito Cammisano, are to be married at the White House, with President Barack Obama overseeing the Muslim themed event.

At a press conference on Saturday, Obama spoke with reporters about the gay wedding to be held at the White House.

“These are amazing times my friends. I am proud to be part of an era where two grown men can fall in love, and have it accepted by the majority of the American citizens. What better place to join these two men in holy matrimony than the White House,” Obama said. “I am thrilled to be a part of this historic event.”

President Obama has long been a staunch supporter of gay rights, even signing the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act in 2009.


Muhammad El-Sayed, who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN that he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday after his announcement and personally thanked him for what he is doing. Not just for the Muslim community, but for all non-Christians living in this country”, El-Sayed said. “We need to make this Muslim-themed wedding absolutely amazing, even if it is between two men. Praise Allah.”

Others were not so supportive of the gay wedding to be held at the White House. Michele Bachmann told Fox News, “This is everything that is wrong with America. Our country was founded as a Christian nation, and that’s a fact! The Holy Bible tells us that marriage is between a man and a woman. These people are making a mockery of this sacred, heterosexual union. What’s next, a toaster and a man getting married? A dog and a woman getting married? Giving homosexuals the right to marry is a slippery slope, and Obama should be ashamed of himself. What kind of message does this send to the young people of today?”

Tax payers are also a bit miffed at the wedding expenses, which are expected to be in the millions. All the guests will be put up at local Washington DC five star hotel, The Jefferson and flown in by private jet.


Members of the guest list include, Ellen Degeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, George Clooney, Malik Obama, Paul Horner and leaders from both the Muslim Brotherhood, and LGBTQ groups. Entertainment will be a healthy mix of pop, and traditional Muslim tunes from such acts as Kanye West, Yusuf Islam, Seven 8 Six and Beyonce Knowles.

Obama will serve as the “Maulavi“, which is the Islamic version of an ordained minister. The Commander And Chief will also perform the entire ceremony, called a “Nikaah“, in his native Islamic tongue, and he and his wife, Michelle Obama, will be robed in traditional Muslim clothing.

Sam’s fiance, Vito Cammisano, 23-year-old grandson of late Mafia boss William (Willie the Rat) Cammisano — who reportedly got his name for the way he disposed of bodies — and the son of Gerlarmo Cammisano, 60, who followed in the family’s business and ended up doing prison time for running a Kansas City-based gambling ring, according to records. Vito converted to Islam two years ago, and has since gone onto disassociate himself from his family and their alleged mob-ties.

Sam, who came out during interviews with ESPN and The New York Times in February was selected by the Rams as the 249th overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.



Dogs Fed Dennis Rodman In Critical Condition After Poisoning

Dennis Rodman eaten by dogs in North Korea

Dennis Rodman seen here just days before poisoning a pack of wild dogs.

Pyongyang, North Korea — Fifty-four North Korean dogs were hospitalized in critical condition today after becoming violently ill. The hounds were found with unknown toxins in their blood that doctors say are a direct result from eating Dennis Rodman.

At a press conference this afternoon, White House spokesman Paul Horner told reporters he does not agree with the actions taken by Kim Jong Un. “There are so many other ways the North Korean government could have nourished those starving canines. Who knows what kind of horrible things were inside Dennis Rodman. No animal deserves that kind of abuse.”

Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man, told CNN he is saddened by the news. “Just thinking about all the horrific diseases Dennis Rodman could have given those dogs makes me sick to my stomach. Those poor innocent hounds; their only crime was being hungry, frowny face.”

Dennis Rodman fed to dogs in North Korea

President Obama on Twitter after learning of the dogs poisoned by Dennis Rodman.

Horner finished the press conference by addressing the health issues the dogs will now face. “The possible STDs these dogs have is unimaginable. We can only begin to understand the complexity of these mutated organisms that evolved inside Dennis Rodman.”

Fans of Kim Jong Un may remember an incident last month where the dictator got blackout drunk and fed his uncle to over one hundred ravenous dogs.

FUN FACT

Feeding people to dogs gained popularity in 1854 when Allen Montgomery of West Texas fed his neighbor to his three dogs after the neighbor called Montgomery a clay-brained beetle-headed dewberry.

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Porn Found On ObamaCare Website

Porn images and pornography found on the ObamaCare website

Users of Healthcare.gov report finding pornographic material on a number of their signup pages.

Washington, DC — More bad news for ObamaCare as users of its website Healthcare.gov report finding pornographic material on a number of their signup pages. CGI Federal, the IT contractor responsible for the site said the obscene content was uploaded by a disgruntled employee.

Ken Renynolds who is a spokesman for CGI Federal told CNN the problem with the site has been resolved. “This is an isolated incident,” Reynolds said. “The employee responsible for the obscene material has since been terminated. One bad apple does not speak for an entire company. I assure the American people that their privacy and information is safe and secure as always.”

The graphic material was viewable Friday evening between 8PM – 9PM PST. Users reported the images to customer support which then had the content removed from the server.

This is not the first problem CGI Federal and the ObamaCare website has had since going live. Following the October 1, 2013 launch of open-registration under the Affordable Care Act (ACA), the company came under intense media scrutiny after users were prevented from logging in and signing up. Many Americans have also complained of increased rate hikes due to their old insurance plan being canceled.

CGI Federal won the $93.7 million Healthcare.gov job over 3 other companies in 2011. CGI Federal is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Canadian firm CGI Group, which was founded in Quebec City in 1976 by Serge Godin and Andre Imbeau.

Warning: Graphic material – Screenshots of the pornographic images on Healthcare.gov which have since been removed – Click image to enlarge

Porn on ObamaCare website
Porn on ObamaCare website
Porn on ObamaCare website

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Obama Dines With Kansas Waiter Who Received Anti-Gay Message And No Tip

Obama visits the Kansas waiter who received no tip and an anti-gay message

Carrabba’s Italian Grill where President Obama met with the waiter who received an anti-gay message and no tip last week.

Overland Park, Kansas — President Obama made a surprise visit to a Kansas restaurant where he spoke with a waiter who made national headlines last week for receiving an anti-gay message and no gratuity from a couple that he had waited on.

It all began last week when a man and a woman dined at Carrabba’s Italian Grill in Overland Park, Kansas. When the couple left the 20-year-old server returned to his table to find a derogatory message scrawled on the back of the receipt.

The note read:

Thank you for your service, it was excellent. That being said, we cannot in good conscience tip you, for your homosexual lifestyle is an affront to god. Q**ers do not share in the wealth of god, and you will not share in ours. We hope you will see the tip your f** choices made you lose out on, and plan accordingly. It is never too late for god’s love, but none shall be spared for f**s. May god have mercy on you.

Obama sat at a table in the waiter’s section along with two Muslim children he had brought from a Muslim Outreach Program started by the Obama family. The three each enjoyed hamburgers, fries and sodas. The president took time for photos and to promote Obamacare. Obama asked the waiter if he had signed up at healthcare.gov yet to which the waiter responded, “I can’t figure it out but I’ll try again soon.” The president smiled, “There has been a few hiccups with the Obamacare website but we are working on it night and day. It is extremely important that each and every young person in this country receives affordable healthcare.”

Obama and the children finished their meal, shook hands with the waiter and then left a tip.

Since the event occurred last week, the local community has rallied its support behind the waiter. Friends have taken to social media to spread the word about what happened, and have vowed to go to the restaurant as a sign of support.

“It’s honestly despicable. I mean, it’s in my mind, no different than saying ‘sorry I’m not tipping you because you’re black or you’re a Jew’ or something like that,” a local resident told KMBC 9 News.

The waiter responded last week to the incident, saying: “The offers to help pay me back are much appreciated, but not at all needed. I’d prefer to let my work ethic and my service do the talking, nothing else.”

Responding to the report, the restaurant’s franchise company, Bloomin Brands, spoke out against such derogatory behavior.

“We do not tolerate discrimination — from either our employees or our guests. We embrace diversity and believe in treating everyone with respect,” it stated in an email.

Carrabba’s Italian Grill in Overland Park, Kansas is located at 106th Street and Metcalf Avenue. Carrabba’s said the company embraces diversity, and will not tolerate discrimination from employees or guests. The manager said they were not aware of Obama’s visit until he arrived at the restaurant.

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Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Picture: NSA Surveillance Van

New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA).

Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we understand your concerns when it comes to privacy and your phone calls being monitored. So starting July 1st we are pleased to offer customers our new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This cellphone plan comes with 128-bit encryption and is guaranteed to be effective against the F.B.I or NSA from listening in on your phone calls.”

President Barack Obama told reporters he understands the distress of the American people and is doing all he can to fix the situation. “I know I’ve made some promises in the last 5 years that I’ve kind of gone and done the complete opposite of and for that I truly am sorry. The Afghan war, Iraq war and Guantanamo Bay is still open. I’m sorry. I promised you no unwarranted wiretapping. I told you I was strongly against that, but signed off on it anyway. Sorry about that. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that I authorized allowing indefinite military detention of American citizens without charge or trial. I am sorry. I told you I would be lenient on marijuana laws. As it turns out I’ve actually used the DEA to put more people in prison than any other president. That’s another blunder of mine I feel absolutely horrible about,” Obama said. “Drones, the war on whistle-blowers and increased surveillance with no transparency on any of our programs. Once again, I just gotta say, I’m sorry. The NSA monitoring American’s customer records from the three major phone networks as well as emails and web searches and cataloged credit-card transactions. My bad.” Obama continued, “We need to come together as the great country that we are and work through these problems in the name of ”safety” and for the children. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”


Horner described the new Verizon program to CNN. “The ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ starts at only $59.95 and for users that are looking for more minutes we offer an unlimited plan for only $149.95 a month. I think this will be a great way for customers to feel secure when using our service and not have to worry about getting arrested.”

Obama continued to explain some of his actions that he plans to fix. “The illegal wiretapping of American citizens needs to stop. No more national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime. We cannot allow NSA agents to literally watch what you type, as you type it,” Obama said. “The NSA’s reach has infiltrated nearly every major internet company’s servers, including Google, Facebook and Microsoft. We need to stop tracking citizens who do nothing but protest a misguided war. There will be no more ignoring the law when it is inconvenient. I promise to start fixing everything just as soon as humanly possible. You can trust me.” Obama continued, “I do have some good news though. In May the economy gained almost 179,000 new jobs! Unfortunately, most of those were F.B.I and NSA jobs to monitor your phone calls.”

Tweet from Verizon about the NSA and their new NSA Ant-Share Plan

Long-time Verizon user Ivan Schleinkofer told reporters he does not mind that the F.B.I. and NSA have been monitoring his phone calls. “I travel so that means I’m away from my wife a lot of the times. We like to have phone sex and we’re really big into voyeurism. If these agencies have been listening in on our phone calls for the past five years, they have heard some pretty kinky stuff,” Schleinkofer said. “Though I heard it’s only about one in five phone calls they listen to. Is there any way we can get them to listen in on us more than that? What if I tell my wife I want to stick my nuclear missile in her Al-Qaeda hiding spot? That would probably draw some red flags. I’ll have to try that tonight.”

To upgrade to the new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ you can visit your local Verizon Wireless store or call (785) 273-0325.

Obama Says He Will Free The Sh*t Out Of Australia After Trillions Of Dollars Of Oil Has Been Discovered In The Region

Obama speaking about Australia's oil

Obama spoke to reporters today about freeing Australia from whatever tyranny has plagued their country for years.

Washington, D.C. — Today a $20 trillion oil basin was discovered in Australia, set to turn the country from importer to mass exporter. In what American politicians are calling just a coincidence, Obama held a press conference today saying that priority number one for America right now is providing Australia with a “sh*t ton more democracy”.

“The people of Australia need our help now more than ever,” said Obama. “Folks, I watch the Discovery Channel. I have seen the huge spiders, poisonous frogs and dangerous snakes that live in Australia. We need to focus our total resources on helping these people keep a strong democracy while insects of mass destruction, or IMD’s, crawl around wreaking havoc.”

Paul Horner who is a military adviser for the Obama administration told reporters that Australia has been a dangerous threat to the rest of the world for years. “Most people are not aware of this,” Horner said, “But water in sinks and the toilets in Australia swirl the opposite direction than they do here in America. If that’s not defiance and a clear declaration of war, I don’t know what is.”

21-year-old Corey Worthington from Melbourne, who gained national fame from an interview on an Australian news station about a party he threw in 2008 for hundreds of kids while his parents were on holiday, said he believes America should reconsider their plans for Australia. “I think America should just f*ck off, that’s what I think they should do,” said Worthington. “They should mind their own go*damn business and stop making excuses to steal everyone’s oil. That’s our oil, the f*ckin’ c*nts they are.”

The oil discovery in South Australia is capable of producing 3.5 billion to 233 billion barrels of oil, enough to turn Australia into a self-sufficient fuel producer. State Mineral Resources Development Minister Kyle Brock told reporters that these were exciting times for the country and their possible future in the highly profitable oil industry. “Everything will be just fine as long as America doesn’t come in here and steal all our sh*t.”

Obama Declares December National Gay Guy Appreciation Month

Obama announcing December as 'National  Gay Guy Appreciation' MonthWashington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce that he is declaring the month of December ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’. “I probably would have never met my beautiful wife of 19 years if there were gay guys in the playing field. They stay away from females and make our job as men easier,” Obama told reporters. “Thank you to all the gay men in this world from the bottom of my heart.”

Eric Burns a Scientist at Bell Labs said if all gay men suddenly turned straight our society would cease to exist. “Gay men keep other gay men away from the female gender. If suddenly these gay men were to turn straight, there would not be enough females to go around, it would be complete chaos,” Burns said. “No males would go to work. They would end up wandering the streets for eternity searching for a female partner, which they never would find. Cities would crumble, Nations would collapse, Empires would fall.”

29-year old Paul Horner from Apple Valley, Minnesota said he is pleased with the president’s decision to hold a month just to celebrate gay guys. “At least 90% of gay dudes are better looking than me,” said Horner. “If suddenly they all turned straight, no way would I ever get laid. I barely get laid as it is.” Horner continued, “Without gay guys, my monthly expenses for hookers and hand lotion would go through the roof. Thank you gay guys.”

Billy Jo Williams from Dequincy, Louisiana told reporters he’s happy with president Obama’s decision. “Hell yes I’m grateful for all those queers,” Williams said. “With all those dudes off the market, I get my d*ck wet so much, you can’t even imagine. Thank you gay guys.”

Obama finished the press conference by telling reporters how happy he was with America and how far it has come since it’s inception. “Folks, there is no way we could have had a ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ 20 years ago. That really says a lot about the growth and progress of this great country.”

‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ begins December 1st and will end at midnight on December 31st. For any questions or comments please contact the 24-hour National Gay Guy Appreciation Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Obama Allows Texas To Secede From The Union

Texas to secede from UnionWashington, D.C. — Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are currently requesting secession.

Obama told reporters that he will be sad to see Texas go but said his administration won’t stand in the way of their happiness. “They will be missed, but if this is what they truly want, I wish them all the best,” Obama said.

Eric Burns who heads up The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality spoke to reporters about the current economic state of Texas. “Texas secessionists claim their state to be one of the largest and because of this the most capable of maintaining independence, yet Texas remains one of the poorest states in the nation,” Burns said. “Almost one in four Texans are uninsured. The state ranks worst in the nation for health care delivery and this isn’t even including the nearly 4 million Texans relying on federal nutrition assistance. It’s going to be a mess for them once they secede in January.”

Paul Horner, Obama’s top political adviser, said he’s confused with Texas and their decision to secede. “I’m not sure if they are aware of this but the government maintains relations with other countries, runs the Army, Navy, Air Force, Border Patrol and Customs, all to protect this country. They also provide food stamps and welfare among many other things, all of which they will no longer receive,” Horner said. “Governor Perry accepted $17.4 billion in stimulus packages from the government last year that of course we expect to be returned. The USDA farm subsidies in Texas have received $25.9 billion in federal funds from 1995-2011, so that won’t be happening anymore.” Horner continued, “Texas, you’re all good to go and join Mexico, just let us check your pockets first.”

Marsellus Wallace who is a spokesman for the president had one last thing to say before ending the press conference. “What now? I tell you what happens now between the United States and Texas. There is no United States and Texas. Not no more,” Wallace said. “Texas, you leave town January 1st, and when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your United States privileges.”

Obama's letter to Texas to Secede

President Obama Presents Paul Horner With Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game

Paul Horner awardWashington, D.C. — At a press conference this morning President Barack Obama presented Paul Horner the Super Universe Ultimate Award For Excellence In Winning The Game. This prestigious award is presented once every 100 years to the most famous, powerful, successful and good looking person in the world.

Obama told reporters how proud he is to present this award to Horner. “Folks need to appreciate everything that Mr. Horner has done for mankind,” Obama said. “He is a living legend. He’s contributed so much to society and has never asked for anything in return.” Obama continued, “It’s also Mr. Horner’s 34th birthday today as well. I hope he invites me to his birthday party.”

Reporters were given a list of occupations and job titles that Horner currently holds. They are as follows:

Maryland’s $640 million Mega Millions winner
Employee for the NAACP
Owner of Horner Airlines
Obama’s presidential adviser
A member of Pat Robertson’s choir group
The president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook
A Texas billionaire
Ex-member of the Mormon religion
Protest organizer
New York Times editor
54-year-old doctor – prison escapee
Founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’
Facebook spokesman
Police Chief of DeQuincy, Louisiana
The owner of 9Gag
Chief of Police in Austin, Texas
Campaign spokesman for Mitt Romney
Republican Congressman
Phoenix Police Department SALTS Task Force
New York Times Film Critic
Spokesman for the Church of Scientology
Mormon council of Elders
TSA supervisor
Marijuana Dispensary owner
Bill Murray’s agent
Cult leader
President of NAMBLA
Avid marijuana user
Television executive at NBC
NASA scientist
CEO and Managing Director of Ttokkyo Laboratories
Judge in Dequincy, Louisiana
Producer at Comedy Central
Four-time Tony Award winner
Hero who stopped robbery by quoting Pulp Fiction
Clint Eastwood’s agent
Statue artist in Times Square
Free speech advocate
Multimillionaire that paid zero taxes
Senior political analyst for FOX News
Top three finalists in the LAY’S® Do Us A Flavor™ Contest
Head of the DAFUQ Task Force
President of eHarmony
Head of the DEA in El Paso, Texas
President of the World
New York City Police Chief
Campaign manager for Mitt Romney
Political adviser for Governor Bobby Jindal from Louisiana
Obama’s top political adviser
Disgruntled Papa John’s employee
29-year old from Apple Valley, Minnesota
Writer for Ghostbusters 3
Arizona’s record $588 Powerball winner
Senator from Texas

Paul Horner spoke briefly to reporters before getting on his Gulfstream G650 private jet to spend his birthday with super models in Brazil. “Thug life bitches,” Horner said. “It’s all about my swag that keeps this flowin’ goin’, best believe that!”

Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President

Mitt Romney drops out of presidential raceWashington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away.

Mitt Romney spoke to reporters and explained his actions. “After careful consideration I realize I have absolutely no chance of winning the presidency on Tuesday. By endorsing Obama now, I can walk away from this without completely embarrassing everyone further than I already have. That includes my family, the Mormon Religion, my supporters, the Republican Party and of course myself.” Romney continued, “Just remember, I’m the best the Republican party could come up with this election year.”

Campaign manager Paul Horner does not agree with Romney’s decision and would like to see an alternative to his actions. “I think it’s ridiculous he’s dropping out of the race just days before the election,” Horner said. “I still don’t even know what his stance on anything is, and I’m his campaign manager. I guess this will just be something to put on the ol’ resume after this is all over.” Horner continued, “I think everyone that was going to vote for him would have been on the wrong side of history, but that’s what makes history so fun and exciting!”

“America, it’s not you, it’s me,” Romney said. “I would also like to formally apologize to Big Bird and anyone else I offended during my campaign of gaffes, lies and confusion. My magic underwear can only do so many miracles.”

Republicans that promised to move to Canada if Obama won are already starting to make the journey. “Well, our family is moving to Canada tomorrow.” Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “I don’t care if it’s a socialist country and the gays run things up there. At least the president there isn’t a Muslim negro from Kenya without a birth certificate.”

Hurricane Sandy made a statement to reporters explaining how sorry it was to have come during such an important time as the presidential elections. “My timing was just really bad and I truly apologize to the American people. I made Obama look like a hero and Romney like a zero,” Sandy said. “I think Romney is being the bigger man here and dropping out before losing the last tiny little shred of dignity he had left.” Hurricane Sandy continued, “I’m part of the 1% and Romney’s tax plan would have really helped me out a lot. Sorry guys.”

Romney said his plans for the future are to bankrupt more companies, put more people out of work, build a time machine to travel back in time to live in the 1950′s and become a god of his own universe when he dies.