Edward Snowden Safely Lands In Venezuela Where He Was Granted Asylum To Avoid U.S. Extradition

Edward Snowden safely lands in Venezuela from Cuba, originally from Moscow, after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered him asylum.

Edward Snowden safely landed in Caracas, Venezuela after Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro offered him asylum.

EDIT: 8/1/13 – It turns out I received bad intel on this story. I guess he was actually just granted asylum in Russia for one year. That’s where he is and will be for the while. My bad.

Washington, DC — The Al Jazeera news agency is reporting that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has safely landed in Caracas, Venezuela. Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro had offered asylum to the former U.S. intelligence contractor on Friday who was believed to be waiting in transit at a Moscow airport.

Guillermo Thomas who is a spokesman for the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela told aljazeera.com that Snowden is currently in the country and that he is thrilled to be there. “We are very blessed to have Mr. Snowden in our country, it is a pleasure,” Thomas said. “There were no direct flights across the Atlantic from Moscow to Venezuela. The only flight for Snowden to avoid U.S. extradition was to travel through Cuba. We would like to thank our friends in Cuba for making this journey possible and such a success.” Thomas continued, “Mr. Snowden is a hero and should be treated as one. We are pleased to provide this hero a home where he can live and be safe.”

Maduro announced his decision to allow asylum to Snowden during Venezuelan independence day celebrations. “As head of state, the government of the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela decided to offer humanitarian asylum to the young American Edward Snowden so that he can come and live here, away from the persecution of American imperialism.”


Snowden’s journey began in May of this year after he was permitted temporary leave from his position at the NSA in Hawaii, on the pretext of receiving treatment for his epilepsy. On May 20th, Snowden flew to the Chinese territory of Hong Kong. This is where he was staying when the initial articles revealing information about the NSA that he had leaked were published. Among other specifics, Snowden disclosed the existence and functions of several classified U.S. surveillance programs and their scope, including notably PRISM, NSA call database and Boundless Informant. He also revealed details of Tempora, a British black-ops surveillance program run by the NSA’s British partner, GCHQ.

Snowden explained his actions to Glenn Greenwald from the Guardian about the motives behind the biggest intelligence leak in a generation. “I don’t want to live in a society that does these sort of things (surveillance on its citizens). I do not want to live in a world where everything I do and say is recorded.” Snowden further stated, “I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong.”

Snowden told the Guardian that by revealing his identity he hoped to protect his colleagues from being subjected to a hunt in determining who had been responsible for the leaks. He also said that Lindsay Mills, his girlfriend who was living with him in Hawaii, was being a real “bummer” and this was as good an excuse as any to get away from that situation.

Lindsay Mills’ new boyfriend Paul Horner told the BBC News earlier this month that Snowden couldn’t handle commitment. “He’s just using this whole whistleblower thing as an excuse. The truth is, Lindsay is a great girl and Snowden really blew it by leaving her,” Horner said. “But she’s with me now and I’ll make sure to take real good care of her. America is here for their women in need, especially when that woman was left by a traitor to this country.”

On June 14, 2013, U.S. federal prosecutors charged Snowden with espionage and theft of government property. Snowden is believed to have asked 27 countries for asylum, most of whom had turned down his request since he outed himself as the NSA whistleblower responsible for leaking information about U.S. Government spy programs.

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Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Picture: NSA Surveillance Van

New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA).

Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we understand your concerns when it comes to privacy and your phone calls being monitored. So starting July 1st we are pleased to offer customers our new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This cellphone plan comes with 128-bit encryption and is guaranteed to be effective against the F.B.I or NSA from listening in on your phone calls.”

President Barack Obama told reporters he understands the distress of the American people and is doing all he can to fix the situation. “I know I’ve made some promises in the last 5 years that I’ve kind of gone and done the complete opposite of and for that I truly am sorry. The Afghan war, Iraq war and Guantanamo Bay is still open. I’m sorry. I promised you no unwarranted wiretapping. I told you I was strongly against that, but signed off on it anyway. Sorry about that. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that I authorized allowing indefinite military detention of American citizens without charge or trial. I am sorry. I told you I would be lenient on marijuana laws. As it turns out I’ve actually used the DEA to put more people in prison than any other president. That’s another blunder of mine I feel absolutely horrible about,” Obama said. “Drones, the war on whistle-blowers and increased surveillance with no transparency on any of our programs. Once again, I just gotta say, I’m sorry. The NSA monitoring American’s customer records from the three major phone networks as well as emails and web searches and cataloged credit-card transactions. My bad.” Obama continued, “We need to come together as the great country that we are and work through these problems in the name of “safety” and for the children. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”


Horner described the new Verizon program to CNN. “The ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ starts at only $59.95 and for users that are looking for more minutes we offer an unlimited plan for only $149.95 a month. I think this will be a great way for customers to feel secure when using our service and not have to worry about getting arrested.”

Obama continued to explain some of his actions that he plans to fix. “The illegal wiretapping of American citizens needs to stop. No more national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime. We cannot allow NSA agents to literally watch what you type, as you type it,” Obama said. “The NSA’s reach has infiltrated nearly every major internet company’s servers, including Google, Facebook and Microsoft. We need to stop tracking citizens who do nothing but protest a misguided war. There will be no more ignoring the law when it is inconvenient. I promise to start fixing everything just as soon as humanly possible. You can trust me.” Obama continued, “I do have some good news though. In May the economy gained almost 179,000 new jobs! Unfortunately, most of those were F.B.I and NSA jobs to monitor your phone calls.”

Tweet from Verizon about the NSA and their new NSA Ant-Share Plan

Long-time Verizon user Ivan Schleinkofer told reporters he does not mind that the F.B.I. and NSA have been monitoring his phone calls. “I travel so that means I’m away from my wife a lot of the times. We like to have phone sex and we’re really big into voyeurism. If these agencies have been listening in on our phone calls for the past five years, they have heard some pretty kinky stuff,” Schleinkofer said. “Though I heard it’s only about one in five phone calls they listen to. Is there any way we can get them to listen in on us more than that? What if I tell my wife I want to stick my nuclear missile in her Al-Qaeda hiding spot? That would probably draw some red flags. I’ll have to try that tonight.”

To upgrade to the new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ you can visit your local Verizon Wireless store or call (785) 273-0325.