Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet

Obama Says More Gay Comments, This Time About Nickelback

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/14/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Obama gay marriage commentsWashington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment about gay marriage was literally a gay comment, these new comments about Nickelback are just gay.

“I think Nickelback is pretty good,” Obama told reporters at Sunday’s press conference. “I think they have a lot of talent and I believe most folks don’t care for them just because it’s the popular thing to do.”

Reporters were quick to argue with the president and his gay comment. Paul Horner from The New York Times said, “Mr. President, I beg of you not to share these gay opinions of yours with the American people. Nickelback perpetuates the sadness of honoring mediocre and un-original, non-creative music. They have blast beats, growled vocals and every one of their songs sound exactly the same. The longer Nickelback is allowed to play venues, the longer our country will continue to suffer.”

The gay comments by Obama didn’t end there. “My favorite song by Nickelback is probably Rockstar,” Obama said. “It’s got a catchy beat and an excellent music video that accompanies it. Plus I think it brings out the true rockstar in us all. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it.”

The scene at the press conference turned from bad to worse when riots broke out after the president revealed that he was wearing a Nickelback shirt underneath his suit. Leading the group of rioters is Stephen Andrews, journalist for The Washington Herald. “Our demands are simple,” said Andrews. “It’s imperative that Obama withdrawal his gay comments about Nickelback and burn that t-shirt immediately. Our country already has enough problems right now, we don’t need a president who likes Nickelback too.”

Before ending the press conference Obama did one last gay thing and announced the touring dates and locations for upcoming Nickelback concerts. Obama then instructed his staff to put out the fires in the room that were set by reporters. Five people were arrested and the death toll now stands at eleven.