Bill Murray Is Hero After Saving Child’s Life From Oncoming Traffic

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Bill Murray is a hero after he saves a child in London, England from certain death.

London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? That is the question being asked by London residents today as Murray saved the life of a little girl from being hit by a truck.

34-year-old Paul Horner who is in London on business witnessed the near fatal accident. “Yeah, it was horrifying. I saw this little girl standing in the middle of traffic on her phone and this truck was barreling down the road right towards her. Then out of nowhere this man pushed her out of the way at the last second saving her life,” Horner told the BBC News. “So I ran over to them to see if they were alright. To my amazement I see that the girl was perfectly fine and the guy who saved her was none other than Bill Murray. It was Bill frickin’ Murray who saved this kids life!” Horner continued, “That guy is always doing something awesome whether it’s making movies, playing golf with the pros, crashing random parties or saving lives! He’s everywhere!”

10-year-old Courtney Groves from Bristol told reporters about her near death experience. “I was playing on my iPod and just wasn’t paying attention to the cars around me. Thank you Mr. Murray for saving my life,” Groves said. “He even sat down with me and helped me finish the level I was playing. We got a perfect score! He told me that he was in a movie years ago about golf and it had a gopher in it, just like my game! I didn’t know what he was talking about but Bill Murray liked my game and he saved my life so I thought that was really neat!”

Murray spoke briefly to reporters about the incident. “I’m no hero, I was just in the right place at the right time. I think anyone else in my position would have done the same. That’s not being a hero. That is just being a good human being,” Murray said. “Courtney is a great kid. We talked for a while. She even let me play her fun card game on her phone. I told her the next time you wanna play games on your phone, don’t do it in the middle of traffic.”

Tweet from Boris Johnson the Mayor of London

23-year-old Brian Barth who is a game developer on the Fairway Solitaire team told CNN that he is thrilled the child was not injured. “It’s a good thing Bill Murray was there or things could have been a lot worse. I mean, there are no mulligans in life, right?” Barth said. “It feels really good when someone plays a game you helped create, had a hand in developing but it’s just not a game meant to be played in the middle of traffic, that’s for sure. Maybe we should start putting warning labels on our games stating, ‘Not meant to be played in the middle of oncoming traffic unless Bill Murray is there to save your life’,” Barth laughs.

Boris Johnson who is the Mayor of London told reporters how proud he is to have Murray in his city. “This is a day for everyone in London to celebrate Bill Murray,” Johnson said. “Most blokes would have just stood there like an arse and let that poor girl get run over, but not Mr. Murray. So it is decided, for his bravery we are throwing him a parade and awarding him a key to the city.”

Murray was in London visiting friends and sightseeing when this near-tragic event took place. Murray says he plans to stay in London for another week and then is off to Germany to finish up his work in the upcoming movie The Monuments Men due out in December of this year.

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Surprise Winner At This Years Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year's Punjab Rape Festival

Winners of this year’s Punjab Rape Festival. Nikhil Thakur (second from left) being awarded ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes.

Punjab, INDIA — Exciting news is coming out of Punjab, India this morning as this year’s Punjab Rape Festival results have been announced and prizes are being awarded. It was close, but in the end it was Nikhil Thakur who took home the ‘The Baalkrishan’ for most rapes this year. This was the first time Thakur had participated in the event and locals are still in shock.

Madhuban Ahluwalia who heads up the annual festival told reporters he is just baffled by this year’s winner. “We don’t know where Nikhil Thakur came from or who he is,” said Ahluwalia. “There are men in India who have participated in this festival since they were little boys, and then some guy just comes in here and wins it all by getting the most rapes.” Ahluwalia continued, “Well I can tell you that the locals around town are not too pleased.”

“It’s f*ckin’ bullsh*t, that’s what it is,” said 81-year-old Madhusmita Borthakur. “I’ve been participating in this festival since I was nine years old. And some new dude, some hip-hopper, just comes in and gets the most rapes. It’s not g*ddamn fair and I demand a recount!”

India working to end the Punjab Rape FestivalAhluwalia told reporters why the event is so important. “This is a long time tradition in Punjab dating back thousands of years,” says Ahluwalia. “We rape the evil demons out of the girls, otherwise they will cheat on us and we will be forced to kill them. So it is win-win for everyone.” Ahluwalia continued, “The Punjab Rape Festival began in 43 BC when Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu raped everyone in his village of Ludhiana. Baalkrishan Tamil Nadu is remembered every year at this event, in fact the trophy given to the man with the most rapes is called ‘The Baalkrishan’.”

23-year-old Harikrishna Majumdar who tied for 3rd told reporters that he had been training all year for this event. “I told everyone that I would get the most rapes this year and I almost did!” Majumdar said, “I was practicing raping my sister and her friends every day and my hard work paid off!” Majumdar continued, “One day I will get the Baalkrishan prize for sure!”

WINNERS OF THIS YEAR PUNJAB RAPE FESTIVAL

1. Nikhil Thakur – 28 confirmed rapes
2. Suresh Ambiger – 24 confirmed rapes
3. Chandan Panjwani – 22 confirmed rapes
4. Harikrishna Majumdar – 22 confirmed rapes

“We normally award just three winners, but Harikrishna Majumdar was able to sneak in there at the last minute and get rape number 22,” said Ahluwalia. “We are all so proud of him!”


34-year-old Paul Horner who is a Rape Crisis Specialist said the rape statistics in India are incorrect. “Currently India is second in reported rapes in the world only behind the United States. This information is false for a number of reasons,” says Horner. “In India, for a woman that has been raped to go to the police she needs four to five witnesses to collaborate her story. This act will also shame her and her family for life. In India the woman is blamed for the rape, not the man. Plus in a lot of cases the woman can be stoned to death or even forced to marry the man who raped her. In the United States of course that does not exist in our free society. Well excuse me, it may not be a free society, but when it comes to a woman being able to report a rape to the proper authorities, justice is always served,” Horner continued, “No one looks down on a rape victim in the United States. She is only greeted with open arms and the person responsible goes to prison.” Horner finished by explaining to reporters, “I imagine in India, realistically, only about 2% of all rapes actually get reported. It is so sad. I truly hope the Indian Government starts doing something about this pure evil and embarrassment to their country.”

For more information about the festival or if you would like to participate in next year’s event, please call the 24-hour Punjab Rape Festival hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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WANT TO HELP THE WOMEN IN INDIA? THEN DO SOMETHING!

Giveindia.org gives 90%-95% of the money that you donate directly to the cause of helping women in India. This money provides them with proper education, shelter, food, help in getting out of abusive relationships, rape counseling and much more! NOTE: GiveIndia.org is in no way associated with or responsible for this article or the views expressed in it.

Click here to donate!

rapes in India

UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”


Woman Kills Five People For Not Accepting Her Friend Requests On Facebook

Woman kills five for not accepting her friend requests on Facebook

Lashawndra Harris killed five people when they did not accept her friend request on Facebook.

DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and charged today in connection with five murders. Harris had been dubbed by police as the ‘Facebook Friend Request Killer’ because at the scene of every murder a card was left on the victim’s body that showed the Facebook logo along with the section of the site where you can accept or deny an individual’s friend request.

Detective Paul Horner with the DeQuincy Police Department explained how Harris was finally apprehended. “She is probably the worst serial killer in the history of serial killers. At every murder scene she would leave a ‘calling card’ on the bodies with scribbled words written on each one such as, ‘Maybe next time you’ll be my friend on Facebook motherf*cker’, or ‘Who’s got more friends on Facebook now b*tch!’,” Horner said. “All of the people that were murdered lived in the same apartment building or were people that knew Harris personally. We then found a Facebook account belonging to Ms. Harris. In her ‘about’ section she specifically wrote the words, ‘If you don’t accept my friend request I will kill you’,” Horner continued, “She also said in her profile, ‘If we’re friends on Facebook, we cool. If you don’t want to be friends with me on Facebook, we have a problem’. So yeah, we knew we had the right person.”


Leron Jenkins who was a neighbor of Harris said he was approached by her just days before the arrest. “I didn’t like her, she was scary. She told me that if I didn’t accept her friend request on Facebook she would literally cut my balls off. So, long story short, I accepted her friend request.”

“When we raided her house today we found Ms. Harris at her computer on Facebook sending out more friend requests,” Horner said. “It’s a good thing we caught her before more people could deny her friend request.”

If anyone has any information about Lashawndra Harris police are urging you to call (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen

Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a mugshot of Michelle Allen.

[Updated at 03-17-13 | 8:05 PM PDT] The Super Official Action News Team has just received word that the woman in the above mugshot is not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen.

At Super Official News we pride ourselves on the integrity and quality of our journalistic reporting. We sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused. As of this moment we are still trying to locate the actual mugshot of Lashawndra Harris.

As for Michelle Allen, Ohio Police say she had threatened police and urinated on a neighbor’s front porch.

Police say Allen was arrested for causing traffic problems, chasing kids in her neighborhood and not complying with police when they told her to return home. The police report stated officials could smell alcohol on her breath and her words were slurred.

Allen pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to a month in jail.

Major Mark Hoffman, with Middletown, Ohio Police says while Allen was in court, she challenged people to “suck her udders.” No information has been released as to why she was wearing the cow costume.

Allen has been arrested over 50 times on charges ranging from theft to prostitution.

SOURCE

Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

Paul HornerJonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.” Local hero, Paul Horner, who thwarted the would-be robbers said, “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

Longtime diner Susan Litchfield said it was a pretty tense moment. “The robbers asked Mr. Horner what was in his hand. He told them it was his wallet that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just thought he was some crazy white guy with a death wish.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them: Normally, both your asses would be dead as f*cking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.”


Barkins said he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had temporarily snapped. I asked him if he was ok and he shouted, ‘Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain’t none of your go*damn business’. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherf*ckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

“In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in Jonestown,” Officer Miller from the Jonestown Police Department said. “It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

The robbers are described as a white male and female aged 35-45. Any information please contact the Jonestown Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

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“Now I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet.”
“Which one is it?”
“It’s the one that says bad mother f*cker.”

Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 DeadDeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.

This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.

Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”

When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”

The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.

“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”

Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60′s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”

The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”

Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.

Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.

[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.

[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”

[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 Dead

[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”

[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.

[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”

[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”

Image of the bomb that destroyed DeQuincy Louisiana from the zombie attack from bath salts

[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.

Image of the new zombie proof cars for DeQuincy

[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.

[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.

Zombie bath salts

[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.

Zombie bath salts

Zombie McDonalds

[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.

[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:

Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136

North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT

Bev Perdue talking about making gay illegal in North CarolinaJacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay a felony. Voters approved the new law by a 61%-39% margin with all counties reporting, according to returns from the State Board of Elections.

“We can’t change the results of this vote, but we can determine what comes next,” said Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, director of Campaign for Southern Equality. “When kids across the state wake up, I want them to know that this story isn’t over. We will repeal this new law.”

At a press conference this morning Paul Horner, founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’, said the state has already begun shipping some offenders of the new law out by train. “If police catch you being gay, you will be rounded up, put on a train and sent to a camp where authorities will then deal with you accordingly.” Horner explains, “I have nothing against gay people. Trust me, this is what our loving god would want.”

Reporters asked Horner if these gay camps were similar to the camps once used by the Nazis. “No of course not, why would you say that? We’re just moving them all out to their own place so they can romp and play and do whatever it is that gay people do,” Horner said. “I don’t have a problem with gay people. You can be gay, just not in North Carolina, gross.”

Police are going door to door this morning looking for any signs of gay activity. “Whether it be a cocked wrist, a lisp or even a Cold Play album, we will find you,” said Jacksonville Police Chief Mike Davis. “If we see you being fruity in anyway you will be arrested. We’re just trying to keep our children safe.”

“You can marry your cousin in North Carolina. You can legally have sex with animals in North Carolina. Seriously, bestiality is a-OK. A cop could catch you humping a horse and instead of arresting you, he would probably want to join in. But two people in love are not allowed to be together because of the hate and ignorance of idiots, which according to the voting on this new law, make up 61% of North Carolina,” said Tom Watkins, 41, of Greensboro. “I’m moving to a different state.”

Penalties in North Carolina are strict says opponents of the new law. A first time offense for being gay carries a mandatory 30 days in jail. Repeat offenders, such as those getting caught being gay a second or third time will see a much stricter sentence.

To report any gay activity in your area, please contact the North Carolina Gay-Be-Gone tip line. There are various cash rewards depending on the information provided and as always, you can remain anonymous.

Phone: (785) 273-0325

Prisoner Escape Used Scenes From The Shawshank Redemption

Prisoner Paul Horner escapes using The Shawshank RedemptionSt. Cloud, MN. — A prison escape in St. Cloud yesterday had all the action and drama of a real movie, and that is maybe because it was actually based on one. Authorities believe escapee 54-year-old Paul Horner used scenes directly from The Shawshank Redemption to escape from the Minnesota Correctional Facility in St. Cloud on Tuesday. Guards found Horner missing during the morning’s cell check. When they searched his cell they found a bible that had been cut out specifically for a tool such as a rock hammer. They also found a poster on the wall that when removed revealed a hole that led directly out of the prison.

“There was always a different girly poster on his wall,” said Gary Fulton, a 24 year veteran guard of the prison. “Sometimes during our surprise inspections I would reference the poster and make a joke about tunneling out of the prison. Then Horner would quote a line from Shawshank Redemption and we’d both laugh. It turns out he actually was tunneling out of the prison.” Fulton continued, “I always thought it would take a man 600 years to tunnel through these walls. Paul Horner did it in less than twenty.”

The prison in St. Cloud that Horner escaped from is a level four, close-security institution. It has an inmate population of about 1,000 men and was built in 1889. This is only the second escape to happen in the prison’s history.

Tom Davis, who is the warden at the prison, talked to reporters at a press conference this afternoon. “Paul Horner always claimed it was a one armed man who killed his wife. Well, that’s from the movie The Fugitive, not The Shawshank Redemption.” Davis continued, “We think he’s either headed towards Zihuatanejo, Mexico where he plans to buy a boat to fix up so he can take guests charter fishing, or he’s going to find the one-arm man who killed his wife. I wish he would have left a note or something so we would know what movie he’s copying exactly.” Davis finished the press conference by saying, “I’m disappointed in myself and my staff today. I know for a fact that we’ve all seen those two movies like a thousand times. This incident should have been prevented.”

Deputy James Wellington, a U.S. Marshal, spoke briefly to police this morning before beginning the search for Horner. “Alright, listen up, people. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hen-house, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Dr. Paul Horner. Go get him.”

Anyone having information about Paul Horner’s whereabouts are urged to contact the Jonestown Police Department.

Man Who Determined Ice Cube’s “Good Day” Awarded Nation’s Highest Medal

Donovan Strain being given the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Barack ObamaWashington, D.C. — Fans of hip hop were in for a surprise Saturday when a user of the popular website Tumblr received one of the United States’ highest civilian honors that a president can award. 82 year old Donovan Strain was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom for pin pointing the exact date that rapper Ice Cube was referring to in his hit song from the 90′s entitled ‘It Was a Good Day’.

While presenting the award President Barack Obama said, “I’m proud to give this award to Donovan Strain. His courage and excellent detective skills are honored here today. I just love that song and I’ve always wondered what the actual good day that Ice Cube was referring to. Thanks to Donovan, now we all know.”

When asked how he came up with the date of Ice Cube’s good day, Strain said, “In the song he says that he went to Short Dog’s house and they were watching Yo MTV Raps. That show didn’t air until August 6th, 1988. Ice Cube’s song didn’t come out until February 23rd, 1993.” Strain continues, “During the song he says the Lakers beat the Super Sonics. So if you match up the days that Yo MTV Raps aired during that time span and basketball games where the Lakers beat the Super Sonics it will give you a grand total of twelve dates. Then by checking the weather on those dates for days that had no smog, just like in the song, you’ll narrow those twelve down to four possible dates.”

Reporters questioned Strain how he knew which of the four possible dates was the actually date that Ice Cube was rapping about. “This is where it gets interesting,” Strain said. “Ice Cube says that he got a beep from Kim, and she can f*ck all night. Beepers weren’t adopted by mobile phone companies until the 1990′s. The dates then left where mobile beepers were available to the public are January 18th, 1991 and January 20th, 1992. Ice Cube starred in the film Boyz In The Hood that was being filmed in 1990 and early 1991. He would have been too busy on set filming the movie January 18th, 1991 to be lounging around the streets with no plans.” Strain proudly raises his hands in the air and a smile emerges on his face, “So ladies and gentlemen, the only day when Yo MTV Raps was on the air, it was a clear and smogless day, beepers were commercially sold, the Lakers beat the Super Sonics and Ice Cube had no events to attend was… January 20th, 1992.”

Ice Cube was on hand at the awards ceremony for Strain. When asked by reporters what he thought of the day’s events he responded by saying, “I don’t really see what the big deal is here. If the president wanted to know the date that I was rapping about he could have just asked me. I’m happy for Donovan I guess.”

Demonstrators lined the White House for hours protesting the song that Obama was presenting the award for. Paul Horner who was participating in the demonstration said he didn’t agree with Obama’s decision. “So because Ice Cube didn’t have to use his AK-47 assault rifle, that made it a good day for him?” Horner continued, “How could anyone relate to this song?”

Asked what his plans are for the future, Strain said, “Right now I’m working on finding an answer to a question that has been keeping the science community and I up late at night for years now. What if the boys were already on their way to the yard, and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?”

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Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT

Check none of the aboveAustin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing my disgruntlement for the options the American people have when it comes to choosing their next president,” Horner said at a press conference in Austin this afternoon. “I don’t like Obama and I don’t like Romney. I say check none of the above.”

45 year old Mitch Reynolds said, “We just love what Paul Horner is doing. He’s been placing ads in newspapers and he’s even putting up billboards. It’s exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions from the 80′s with Richard Pryor and John Candy.”

“I’m doing this for all the Americans out there who are left with two bad choices for president in this upcoming election.” Horner continues, “I’m also getting really tired of people saying that what I’m doing is like what they did in Brewster’s Millions. I came up with this idea all by myself, it has nothing to do with that movie.”

“Everything he’s doing is exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions,” Sarah Bellignton a long time resident of Austin said. “Paul Horner received all this money as an inheritance from his great-uncle and he needs to spend it all in 30 days to get his actual inheritance or he gets nothing. But there’s a catch to all of this, Paul can’t buy anything tangible. So he’s been spending his money on things like a rare stamp that he actually mailed to someone. He also paid the New York Yankees a huge amount of money to play against his baseball team in an exhibition game and now he’s starting this presidential campaign. I think it’s a great move on Horner’s part to spend the money on something like this. A campaign like this will cost millions and every dollar spent will bring him that much closer to his actual inheritance.”

Horner told reporters, “I don’t play for a baseball team that is playing exhibition games with the Yankees. This is not money I received from a great uncle and I have not been mailing letters to people with rare stamps on them. People are making this out to be much more than it actually is. I just don’t want Obama or Romney in the White House come next year, it’s as simple as that.”

Kevin Harding from San Antonio said, “I wonder if Paul Horner will be able to spend all of his money before the 30 days is up and claim his true inheritance or will he walk away with nothing? I can’t wait to find out what happens!”

Horner said, “The money I’m using for this campaign is not money that I received from an inheritance. I don’t have 30 days to spend a certain amount of money or I lose a bigger inheritance. Let me again reiterate what this is about. I don’t want Barack Obama or Mitt Romney in the White House after this upcoming election, so when voting, I say check none of the above.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Horner physically assaulted a reporter from Fox News after he was asked if he knew anything about a possible sequel to Brewster’s Millions happening in the near future.

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife Over Too Many Facebook Game Requests

THE ASS PRESS
POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife For Sending Him Game Requests on FacebookKabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it to the family dog. His defense was that she sent him too many game requests on Facebook and because of this she needed to die. The man says his wife knew he didn’t like the Avengers movie and kept sending him game requests for it on Facebook even after repeatedly telling her to stop.

Zawaydeh explained to the Tribunal, “I told her numerous times to stop sending me these stupid Facebook game requests for Avengers Alliance but she never listened.” Zawaydeh continued, “I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these damn game requests for Avengers Alliance. I don’t like using Facebook except to stay in contact with old friends from my militia and she knew this. I don’t like the Avengers movie and I especially don’t want to play the stupid game on Facebook.”

The Tribunal voted 12-0 unanimously in favor of the man saying that he was justified in the killing of his wife.

48 year old Steven Edwards from England who’s in Afghanistan because of work was at the trial when the verdict came in. “What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this country right now.”

At a press conference in New York this morning Paul Horner, the president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook said, “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that maybe you want to stop doing what you’re doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots. So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You see it’s something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you wanna kill them. Eventually what happened in Afghanistan is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

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