Todd Akin Accepts Bill Nye’s Challenge For A Science Debate

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/01/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

bill nye todd akin debatePetersburg, KY — In a move that is shocking the nation, Missouri Representative Todd Akin has agreed to Bill Nye’s challenge for a debate in science. The announcement was made this afternoon at a press conference held at the Creation Museum in Kentucky. “I accept Bill ‘Lies’ the Science Guy and his challenge for a debate,” Akin told reporters. “He’ll quickly learn that the word of god will always win over the word of some guy.”

The Akin/Nye feud started with Akin’s recent statements regarding “legitimate” rape and homosexuality. Akin claims that science educator Nye has angered god with a Youtube video in which he says creationism “hurts kids”. He also claims that Nye is to blame for Hurricane Issac – the deadly storm currently heading towards New Orleans.

Nye was quick to respond to Akin’s comments during a live interview Thursday on the Smithsonian Channel. Nye called Akin “a f*cking idiot” for accusing him of personally starting Hurricane Issac.

“Look, these people, they’re f*cking retarded,” Nye said. “Rape can’t cause pregnancy? Breast milk cures homosexuality? I caused a hurricane by challenging creationism? Who can possibly take these people seriously anymore?”

Nye went on to say, “It used to be these Republicans didn’t believe in global warming or evolution. That was bad enough. Now they don’t even believe in egg + sperm = baby. Where does Todd Akin think babies come from? Does he think there are separate storks for people who were raped and people who weren’t? Hey look over there! It’s the rape stork. It drops it’s babies directly at the orphanage.”

That’s when Nye offered the challenge of a science debate with Akin. “So Todd I got an offer for you. You and me. Any time. Any place. Debating science mano-a-mano. I’ll bring the facts, and you bring the Vaseline. Because your ass is gonna f*cking need it when I’m done whipping.”

“This name calling by Bill just shows his true colors,” Akin told reporters. “That’s how all these atheists are. They anger god with their gays in the military, lesbians on the Supreme Court, all this promiscuity in Hollywood and in music and on the streets. Then we have this guy Bill Nye going around saying we can’t teach the word of god to our children! Of course this angers god and that is what is causing these hurricanes.”

Akin finished the press conference by agreeing to Nye’s challenge for a debate. “Bill Nye said any place, any time. Well I’m naming the Creation Museum in Kentucky, September 15th at noon sharp. I’ll be there to debate real, legitimate science. We’ll see if Bill has the guts to show up.”

Paul Horner who is an executive at NBC has already agreed to air the debate if Nye agrees to Akin’s terms. “This will be the debate of the century,” says Horner. “Forget about the Presidential debates, I wanna see Bill Nye versus Todd Akin.”

Nye has yet to respond. The Creation Museum is located at 2800 Bullittsburg Church Rd. Petersburg, KY 41080.

RELATED NEWS >>> Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’

NBC Explains Tape Delay And Censorship Of The Olympics

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT

NBC tape delay and censorship of the Olympic games in LondonLondon, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain what really happens during these tape delays and censorship of the games.

“NBC has been in business for over 86 years,” Horner said. “NBC knows what the American people like to watch and what they are mentally unable to handle. We make sure to edit all of our footage so it’s friendly and pleasant for everyone. It’s our way of coming into your living room every night and saying, hello and how are you this evening?”

Brandon Adams from Dequincy, Louisiana says he doesn’t mind the tape delay or censorship by NBC of the games. “I didn’t even know the Olympics were going on till the other night. Me and my old lady had just got in a fight so I was at home drinking a few beers and channel surfing. Suddenly I turn to NBC and I see this half naked girly jumping around in a bikini. So I called up my good friend Charles Ray in Jackson County to tell him about this girl on TV. He then told me that was the Olympics and I was like whaaaat!?!”

Horner went on to explain the different options to watch the games and the costs associated with each one. “There’s a ‘live feed’, and then there’s a ‘live-live feed’. The live feed is free. The live-live feed costs $100 because it’s a more expensive technology involving quantum physics and some forms of time travel.” Horner continued, “If someone were to spend $100 so that they can watch the games ‘live-live’ and unedited they can, and no one is stopping them from doing that. But how much more fun is it to have a multinational corporation like NBC make your decisions for you about what you like and what you don’t like and when you are allowed to watch what you want to watch? Our censoring and tape delays have nothing to do with trying to get you to pay the $100 fee, it’s only about love. At NBC, we love you.”

Critics are quick to point out how the tape delay is unfair and completely unnecessary. “The Summer Olympics are one of the most important sporting events known to man,” says Jay B Fail a reporter with The New York Times. “These actions by NBC are just pure greed, plain and simple.”

Horner finished the press conference by explaining one of the main reasons for the tape delay. “Here at NBC we take the airing of the Olympics extremely serious. After our cameras record that days events in London, the tape is then hand delivered to another NBC executive 10 miles away in Watford. From there the tape is passed on to the town of Luton. In Luton the tape is given to a runner in Northhampton where they will then make the final 50 mile trek to an NBC broadcasting station in Leicester. There the tape is carefully viewed for authenticity by specialists, edited for happiness and then aired live to Americans for their viewing entertainment. This also gives most Americans enough time to fly home and watch what they saw at the Olympics in London live on television in the comfort of their own home.”