Applebee’s In Laveen Arizona Announces New & Exciting Changes!

Applebee's in Laveen, ArizonaLaveen, AZ — Local residents in a small town 30 minutes south west of downtown Phoenix are ecstatic about the new changes that have been taking place at their local Applebee’s in Laveen, Arizona. Super Official News stopped by the restaurant this weekend to investigate further what’s making this hot spot so popular.

Restaurant manager Paul Horner explained just a few of the exciting changes that have been happening. “Every Friday and Saturday while we have our live Jimmy Buffet tribute band or gangster rap playing at full volume over the speakers from 3pm-2am, during breaks in the music, I’ve been letting my 8-year old son bang on his drum set that I just bought him for his birthday last month,” Horner said. “We also just got two new microwaves to cook all the food that is on the menu. We named them ‘Chef 1’ and ‘Chef 2’,” Horner laughs. “Preparing your steak how you want it will now be easier than ever! We also changed out the drainage system around the bar area so it doesn’t smell like urine and human feces as much anymore.”

Local resident Michael Spielman says he just loves the new changes at the Applebee’s in Laveen. “They repaved the parking lot and I even heard they added new insulation to the roof of the building. Also, they have installed new air conditioning vents above every table that blow out the coldest air you’ve ever felt in your entire life. It’s like traveling to Antarctica, but you’re actually still in Laveen! How cool is that, no pun intended,” Spielman chuckles. “One of my favorite changes to the Applebee’s in Laveen is there is now more free mints and toothpicks than ever before! I think it’s fair to say, rip-roaring good times have come to Laveen!”

Gerald Byrnes who has been a server since the restaurant opened two years ago gave us some inside information on the appetizers and beverages. “No longer will our cold rubbery cheese sticks and alcoholic beverages that contain no alcohol take an hour to arrive at your table. We have cut all our times down to 50 minutes or less or you get another alcoholic beverage with no alcohol in it free of charge! How awesome is that!”

Horner was more than happy to explain their new menus and additional usages. “Instead of 7-9 different menus per person we are now giving each diner 19 different menus of various shapes and sizes to browse through. It will all be the same food but now just more spread out to make things more fun,” Horner said. “Also to keep our customers safe, we are upgrading the menus to a type of plastic recently invented by NASA that has corners that can cut through glass. If the need ever comes up to fight off an attacker, our menus will work better than a machete.”

Assistant manager Joyce Barth explained some of the other exciting new changes that have been made to improve the restaurant. “Our greeters and servers will no longer speak urban slang and other forms of language that make it difficult to understand when trying to order food,” Barth says. “We have put each and every one of our employees through a rigorous 36-week course on how to properly speak to a customer in a language that can be understood by both the young and old.” Barth continued, “When greeted at the front, no longer will you hear the familiar shouting of, ‘Oh lawd, it’s you folks again! Well git on in here and I’ll get your seats right now! Not sure what’s good right now for sitting, lemme check real quick for yall. You hang tight and chill, I be back after I git this figured out. I’ll hit up my girlfriend Yolanda, she’s one of the dish washers but she always has the down low on seats that aren’t already taken up by some other fools’. This will now be replaced by, ‘Hello and welcome to Applebee’s. Would you like a table or a booth?'”

Horner told Super Official News that because of all these great new changes at his restaurant, unfortunately there will come sacrifices. “In addition to raising prices on all of our food* because of Obamacare and firing employees so we don’t have to provide them with health care, we will also be forced to raise prices to cover all the costs of these new and exciting changes. But I think everyone in Laveen will agree that it’s worth it the next time they come in for lunch or dinner or just to get a drink with no alcohol in it.”

From Applebee’s in Laveen to your family: We know in Laveen you have no options for good food so when you’re starving, and you have no food left in your house and the grocery stores are closed, head on over to Applebee’s. We’ll make sure you have the worst f*cking dining experience ever!

From Applebee’s Facebook page:

Applebee's is food for the anti-christ

The Applebee's restaurant in Laveen, Arizona

The Applebee’s in Laveen, Arizona is located on the North West corner of 51st avenue and Baseline.

Address: 5210 West Baseline Road, Laveen, AZ 85339
Phone:(602) 605-8010

Note* The word “food” in this article is used loosely as any object that could be consumed by the human body if it was a life or death situation. This could include such things as a stapler or small car parts.

Mars Rover Finds First Signs Of Life On The Red Planet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/09/2012 6:00:04 AM PDT

Mars rover Curiosity finds life on MarsPASADENA, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has just found the first signs of life on the Red Planet. The air is electrifying as word spread that remains of 4 out of the 7 rovers that have previously landed on Mars have been located and are all doing just fine.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist said that everyone at NASA simply forgot about all the other previous missions to Mars. “In all the excitement of the Mars rover Curiosity landing on Mars, we totally spaced it and forgot that we’ve already been to this planet numerous of times before.” Horner continued, “So far we’ve found remains of the Mars 2 and Mars 3 from the Soviet Union in 1971, the Mars Pathfinder from 1997 and the Phoenix Lander from 2008. We’re still searching for the Viking probe from 1976, the Beagle 2 from Europe and the MER-A Mars Exploration Rover from 2003.”

31 year old Steve Middleton from Arizona said he threw a party in celebration of the Mars landing. “I’m actually kind of embarrassed now about this whole rover landing on Mars thing. When this happened a few days ago I was so happy. I threw a huge landing on Mars party with all my friends. I put up signs all around my house that said ‘USA #1’. I called people I knew in other countries and told them to ‘suck it’. And then today I find out the Soviet Union was the first to land on Mars, over 40 years ago. That’s when I put my sad face on and went into a deep depression.”

Beau Hough from Minnesota said he tried moving to the Soviet Union so he could be number one when it came to the subject of landing on Mars. “So I bought two airline tickets to the Soviet Union from this ‘reputable’ guy off Craigslist for $800. Turns out there is no Soviet Union anymore and now I’m out $800. Thanks NASA and the Mars rover Curiosity!”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is happy with the findings from these other rovers. “So far we’ve found a couple Radiohead CD’s on the Mars Pathfinder from 1997, so that’s all we’ve been listening to here in the control booth for the past 24 hours. For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself,” Shueman laughs, “That’s from that one karma song of theirs. I really like that song.”

NASA says it will be giving more updates once it finds the other three rovers that were tied to missions that also landed on the Mars surface many, many years before the rover Curiosity.

>>> Mars Rover Comes Out Of Closet

Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet