Fuck Mitt Romney.

Fuck Mitt RomneyNote: This article is currently being reviewed by the Pulitzer Prize Board of Directors. Awards for the Pulitzer and excellence in journalism will be announced by the end of this year.

Washington, D.C. — Holy goddamn fucking shit, two-faced, cunt bitch asshole, Mitt Romney. Fucking lame ass, punk bitch cocksucker, fucking up my shit! Motherfucker, ass cunt 47%, fuckin’ shit. Putting down his own $5,000 to buy food to donate to his bitch ass for Sandy, fake photo opp motherfucker. Fucking bitch, cuntface dickhead ass-hat.

Carpetmuncher, cockfucker, gift-from-god-rape or fuckin’ legitimate rape? Douchewaffle Romney, tittyfuck binders full of women, cumslut muffdivers. Pig-fucker Paul Ryan shitty homodumbshit, another fake photo opp faggot scrubbing clean dishes, Ayn Rand rimjob, thundercunt Vice Presidential running mate.

Corporations are people bullshit, boner handjob, fuck. Deregulate everything polesmokers. Ass clowns Romney/Ryan douchebag faggots, no plan. 1% get richer, cum guzzling dickweasels. Poor and working class get bonerfilled harder. Nation fucking collapses. Fuck!

President of the World, Paul Horner asks, “How?”

Answer: Fucking fear, lies, misinformation, Fox News, evil, the Bible Belt, rigged voting machines, old angry white people, ignorance, stupidity, racism, corporate money, teabagging shitfaced dicknozels.

Poor people? The middle class? Education? Healthcare? Jobs? Economy? Women’s rights? Gay rights? Fuck it!

Romnesia shit, goddamn delusional dickbag. Asshead, windows on a plane should open? Fucking retard! Mormon Romney is a god of his own universe when he dies. Kolob cult, dumb fucking shit.

Fuck Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The Afterlife

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The AfterlifeProvo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.

Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religion’s biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If any one of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”

58 year old Susan Litchey, who is a big Mitt Romney supporter, said she’s happy for him getting his own universe in the afterlife. “As a longtime Christian, Mitt’s religion and my own are actually very similar. So what if he’s going to be god of his own universe when he dies, I think that’s really neat,” Litchey said. “These people that don’t agree with him are just jealous because they probably want to be god of their own universe too. Personally I hope I get selected as one of his eternally pregnant wives.”

“This is what the Mormons actually believe,” says Paul Horner who is an ex-member of the Mormon religion. “I was a Mormon for 30 years. It’s a religion created by a guy named Joseph Smith who was a liar and a cheat. He started the religion for money and woman, that’s all,” Horner explains. “They roped me in with the idea that it’s just like Christianity. They don’t tell you all these weird secrets until years later. My whole life became about them so when I finally decided to leave, I had no one left to fall back on. It was really tough.” Horner continues, “I can’t believe Romney’s religion hasn’t become more of an issue in these elections. Christians that are voting for this guy because they think his beliefs are on par with their own are extremely mistaken. Or they just don’t want to vote for a black guy as president, which if I had to guess, is 90% of what’s actually behind all of Romney’s popularity.”

“The women they selected as my eternally pregnant wives are big girls and definitely not very appealing to the eyes. I’m seriously doubting my faith today,” Romney said. “I’ve actually been thinking about joining the Muslim religion, but the idea of 72 virgins when I die…jeez, that just sounds like a lot of work to me. Maybe I’ll just take one of my lift trucks and run the forklift forks through $150,000 worth of vodka.” Romney continued, “I guess I’ll just join Scientology. Xenu the Galactic Overlord and Tom Cruise can’t be any worse than my doomed fate.”