Facebook Whistleblower Says Fake Accounts Makeup Half Of All Current Users

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Paul Horner seen here (not his real name) talks to the BBC News about Facebook and their hundreds of thousands of fake accounts.

London, England — An insider working at the offices of Facebook in London, England told the BBC News today that almost half the accounts on Facebook are fake. He said these shill accounts are known to exist and Facebook is fully aware of them yet does nothing to delete them.

Paul Horner (not his real name) told the BBC that the shill accounts are not deleted for the sole purpose of keeping Facebook’s stock price up. “I think it is wrong what Facebook is doing and it’s finally time that someone came forward to expose this scam and that someone is me,” Horner said. “Facebook claims it has over 1 billion active monthly users. The real numbers are closer to 600,000 at the most. If that news were made public the stock price would plummet, so Facebook is careful not to take action against the fake accounts or to disclose that information.”

Horner then went on to list the sites with the most fake users on Facebook. “With the private data that I have personally seen, the pages that have the most fake users are the ones belonging to Fox News, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Bill O’ReillyRush Limbaugh, Rick Perry, Michele Bachman & Sarah Palin just to name some of the top offenders,” Horner said. “The fake users are easy to spot on their pages. Anyone agreeing with these people or telling them how much they love and appreciate what they are doing for America; that is a dead giveaway.” Horner continued, “All the Tea Party fan pages out there, those are 80-90% fake users. There is just not that much hate in the world for pages like those to have the numbers they do, and the companies that fund those pages know that too. So they create thousands of fake accounts and pay people with no morals to work their agendas using those shill accounts. Or they just let the shill account stay inactive but it gives the page the appearance of having more users than it actually does.”

Horner finished the interview by telling the BBC News where he got his inspiration to be a whistleblower. “If Edward Snowden has the courage to come forward and expose the NSA, then I can do the same in exposing Facebook.”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg could not be reached for comment at the time of this press release. Facebook, Inc., ticker symbol FB, is currently trading at 23.48 -0.25‎ (-1.04%‎).


Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President

Mitt Romney drops out of presidential raceWashington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away.

Mitt Romney spoke to reporters and explained his actions. “After careful consideration I realize I have absolutely no chance of winning the presidency on Tuesday. By endorsing Obama now, I can walk away from this without completely embarrassing everyone further than I already have. That includes my family, the Mormon Religion, my supporters, the Republican Party and of course myself.” Romney continued, “Just remember, I’m the best the Republican party could come up with this election year.”

Campaign manager Paul Horner does not agree with Romney’s decision and would like to see an alternative to his actions. “I think it’s ridiculous he’s dropping out of the race just days before the election,” Horner said. “I still don’t even know what his stance on anything is, and I’m his campaign manager. I guess this will just be something to put on the ol’ resume after this is all over.” Horner continued, “I think everyone that was going to vote for him would have been on the wrong side of history, but that’s what makes history so fun and exciting!”

“America, it’s not you, it’s me,” Romney said. “I would also like to formally apologize to Big Bird and anyone else I offended during my campaign of gaffes, lies and confusion. My magic underwear can only do so many miracles.”

Republicans that promised to move to Canada if Obama won are already starting to make the journey. “Well, our family is moving to Canada tomorrow.” Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “I don’t care if it’s a socialist country and the gays run things up there. At least the president there isn’t a Muslim negro from Kenya without a birth certificate.”

Hurricane Sandy made a statement to reporters explaining how sorry it was to have come during such an important time as the presidential elections. “My timing was just really bad and I truly apologize to the American people. I made Obama look like a hero and Romney like a zero,” Sandy said. “I think Romney is being the bigger man here and dropping out before losing the last tiny little shred of dignity he had left.” Hurricane Sandy continued, “I’m part of the 1% and Romney’s tax plan would have really helped me out a lot. Sorry guys.”

Romney said his plans for the future are to bankrupt more companies, put more people out of work, build a time machine to travel back in time to live in the 1950’s and become a god of his own universe when he dies.

Fuck Mitt Romney.

Fuck Mitt RomneyNote: This article is currently being reviewed by the Pulitzer Prize Board of Directors. Awards for the Pulitzer and excellence in journalism will be announced by the end of this year.

Washington, D.C. — Holy goddamn fucking shit, two-faced, cunt bitch asshole, Mitt Romney. Fucking lame ass, punk bitch cocksucker, fucking up my shit! Motherfucker, ass cunt 47%, fuckin’ shit. Putting down his own $5,000 to buy food to donate to his bitch ass for Sandy, fake photo opp motherfucker. Fucking bitch, cuntface dickhead ass-hat.

Carpetmuncher, cockfucker, gift-from-god-rape or fuckin’ legitimate rape? Douchewaffle Romney, tittyfuck binders full of women, cumslut muffdivers. Pig-fucker Paul Ryan shitty homodumbshit, another fake photo opp faggot scrubbing clean dishes, Ayn Rand rimjob, thundercunt Vice Presidential running mate.

Corporations are people bullshit, boner handjob, fuck. Deregulate everything polesmokers. Ass clowns Romney/Ryan douchebag faggots, no plan. 1% get richer, cum guzzling dickweasels. Poor and working class get bonerfilled harder. Nation fucking collapses. Fuck!

President of the World, Paul Horner asks, “How?”

Answer: Fucking fear, lies, misinformation, Fox News, evil, the Bible Belt, rigged voting machines, old angry white people, ignorance, stupidity, racism, corporate money, teabagging shitfaced dicknozels.

Poor people? The middle class? Education? Healthcare? Jobs? Economy? Women’s rights? Gay rights? Fuck it!

Romnesia shit, goddamn delusional dickbag. Asshead, windows on a plane should open? Fucking retard! Mormon Romney is a god of his own universe when he dies. Kolob cult, dumb fucking shit.

Fuck Mitt Romney.

eHarmony Acquires Romney’s Binders Full Of Women For Their Premium Members

The Ass Press
Posted: 10/20/2012 11:00:42 PM PDT

eHarmony buys Mitt Romney's binders full of womenSanta Monica, CA — The online dating website eHarmony is proud to announce that it has purchased Mitt Romney’s binders full of women and is making them exclusively available to all of their premium members.

Paul Horner who is the president of eHarmony said he is excited to offer it’s members more options when it comes to dating. “At eHarmony we are ecstatic to have worked out a deal with the Romney camp in acquiring these binders full of women,” Horner said. “Dating and finding that perfect match is hard enough these days. But now with Romney’s binders full of women it will make it that much easier when it comes to finding your true soul mate.”

The ‘binders full of woman’ controversy occurred during Tuesday’s presidential debate in a response to a question on gender pay inequality. “I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women,” Romney said.

Critics of eHarmony offering these binders full of women to their members say it is wrong and immoral. “These binders are meant to help these women find jobs, not be targeted by horny men on a dating site. This is just disgusting what eHarmony and Romney are doing,” 33-year old Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “After this there is no way that I would vote for Mitt Romney. Even though Obama is black, he now has my vote.”

Dick Johnson from the Romney campaign said selling the binders of women to eHarmony was meant to help the economy and is in no way meant to embarrass these women. “By now the women in these binders would have found jobs, but they haven’t,” Johnson told reporters. “Mitt Romney is concerned about the well being of these women. He knows that if they can’t get a job at least they can find a husband through eHarmony who will support them while they cook and clean and raise the babies.”

To sign up for eHarmony’s new program called eRomoney you can contact the 24-hour Binders Full Of Women Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney Inspires 47% Of Americans Not To Be Losers Anymore

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

Mitt Romney is inspiring 47% of America not to be losers anymoreWashington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of freeloaders that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.

Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”

Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was going to go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”

Dean Huls is one of ‘Romney’s losers’ but said he is trying his best to change his ways. Huls said he also supports Romney’s plan to make porn illegal. “I used to love porn. I would watch porn all day long. I didn’t have a job, I collected welfare and I paid no taxes. I was a loser.” Huls continued, “But things are different now thanks to Mr. Romney. Instead of rubbing one out, I rub the carpet in the living room for stains. Now instead of beating my meat, I got a job at a deli and beat the meat there. I get so many more activities done now since I don’t look at porn all day long. Though I’m a little edgier and don’t sleep more than 30 minutes a night, but it gives me plenty of time to work on not being a loser. One day soon, I just know it, Mr. Romney will come to my house and knock on my door. He’ll say, ‘Congratulations Dean, you’re not a loser anymore. Welcome to the club, big guy. Now you’re baller status’. That will be the happiest day of my life.”

Romney campaign promoter Mike Sanders said they’re coming out with a whole new line of t-shirts and other merchandise so you can support Romney’s cause. “We have some really great shirts now with a lot of extremely inspirational sayings. My favorite ones so far are, Every time you masturbate, Mitt Romney sheds a tear and Get a job and stop jerking off, you f*cking loser.” Sanders continued, “I think it was Mitt Romney who said it best, Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dollar, dollar bill y’all.”

Multimillionaire Paul Horner said he’s confused if he’s a loser or not. “I’m part of Mitt Romney’s 47% of losers. I paid zero taxes last year, but I wasn’t alone. Over 7,000 other millionaires in America paid zero taxes in 2011. About 55,000 millionaires paid a lower tax rate than millions of middle-income Americans last year and I’m pretty sure that includes Mitt Romney himself. Is Mitt Romney calling himself a loser?” Horner continued, “Maybe Mitt Romney could be a little more specific and clarify who the real losers in America exactly are. The last thing I want is Mitt Romney thinking that I’m a loser.”

Mitt Romney’s 47% Video

RELATED NEWS >> Mitt Romney Does Blackface On BET

Mitt Romney doing blackface on BET

Read full story >> HERE

Update 1/4/13
Popular vote 2012: Mitt Romney ironically gets … 47% of the vote, read more.

Clint Eastwood Takes Chair On Nationwide Comedy Tour

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/10/2012 8:00:11 AM PDT

Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy TourTampa, FL — Clint Eastwood is taking his empty-chair routine from the Republican National Convention on a nationwide comedy tour. The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ will soon be coming to major cities and comedy clubs all around the country. The tour kicks off in Arizona on September 25th at Copper Blues in downtown Phoenix and ends in Dallas, Texas on November 17th.

Eastwood’s agent Paul Horner held a press conference this morning to talk to reporters about the upcoming ’empty-chair’ comedy tour. “Mr. Eastwood is extremely excited about doing this,” Horner explained. “If you thought Clint Eastwood talking to an invisible Obama at the RNC was hilarious, just wait till you see him with his chair live and uncensored.”

Long-time Clint Eastwood fan Eric Burns from Tampa said he’s looking forward to the comedy tour. “Ever since I was a little kid, Clint Eastwood has always been my hero,” Burns said. “When he was on stage at the Republican convention talking to that empty chair, it blew my f*cking mind. It was like Obama was sitting there, but at the same time he wasn’t actually sitting there. All I could think of was that this was some crazy M. Night Shyamalan type of sh*t.” Burns continued, “I live in Tampa so I can’t wait till he performs here in November. I’m buying tickets for this thing today.”

Kyle Brock who is a political adviser for Mitt Romney supports what Eastwood is doing. “Clint’s empty-chair routine at the Republican National Convention amazed everyone in attendance. Unfortunately everyone else in the real world, outside the convention, was calling him senile and his performance sad and pathetic.” Brock continued, “I think this comedy tour of his is exciting and will spread Romney’s message, whatever that may be, across the country.”

The ‘Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour’ begins September 25th in Phoenix, Arizona and ends November 17th in Dallas, Texas. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information please call the 24-hour Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour Hotline.

  • Clint Eastwood Empty Chair Comedy Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 09-15-12 | 10:56 PM PDT] Saturday Night Live agrees that my idea for a Clint Eastwood chair comedy tour would be a good idea.

Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

Mitt Romney Leaving The Mormon Religion For Christianity

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/4/2012 4:15:52 PM PDT

Mitt Romney switches from Mormonism to ChristianityProvo, UT — Mormons around the world were shocked to learn today that Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has denounced his lifetime religion of Mormonism and is converting to Christianity. Mitt Romney held a press conference this afternoon and spoke to reporters to explain his actions.

“Most of the American people are of the Christian faith. It only makes sense as a Presidential candidate to be part of the majority. I will be whatever the people want me to be.”

Paul Horner from the Mormon council of Elders said he was disappointed in Romney’s decision today. “Do you know how much money we’re going to lose now without him paying his weekly 10% tithing? We’re probably going to have to shut down at least a dozen churches, maybe even a whole city. I just hope he still doesn’t expect to become a god of his own universe when he dies.”

Romney said he’s most excited about what the Christians refer to as ‘confession’. “If I become President and I do anything wrong, all I have to do is go to confession for 10 minutes, and then it’s like it never happened. I should have become a Christian years ago.”

Dean Huls who is an avid Romney supporter said he is confused with his decision today. “I don’t know why he’s doing this so close to the election. Most Christians already think Obama is a Muslim trying  to eradicate the Christian religion, plus he’s black. Romney could be a pedophile into satanic rituals and paganism… he’s still getting the Christian vote.”

Romney told reporters he’s giving a tax break to all carpenters and people with the name Jesus. “In addition to the tax breaks for people named Jesus, I’m also providing them with free healthcare since most people named Jesus don’t pay for it anyway.”

Romney said he got the idea to become Christian when his wife returned home pregnant after a three month cruise to the Bahamas. “Ann told me that since I couldn’t have impregnated her the only answer was immaculate conception. I can’t explain how happy we are to be a part in the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Romney continued, “Plus the Mormon religion is kind of odd with their beliefs in getting your own universe when you die and the woman becoming eternally pregnant. A god that created Adam and Eve who communicated with a talking snake and a human being that can walk on water just makes much more sense to me.”

Romney finished the press conference by informing reporters what his first duty as a Christian President will be if he becomes elected. “I will be working with Congress to pass laws against anyone possessing or wearing the Christian cross. The laws will be especially tough on churches who continue to display a cross anywhere on their building. A cross is the last thing Jesus would want to see when he returns.”

Mitt Romney Campaign Using “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Campaign Using "Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles"Tampa, FL — In shocking news just released this morning, sources say Mitt Romney and his campaign for President are using funds to buy up what is being referred to as “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicles”. The idea is to discredit Ron Paul supporters and make them appear “crazy” and “uninformed”.

This information was leaked by an informant who says she was paid to drive around cars with “ridiculous amounts of Ron Paul advertisements“. Since she came forward this weekend, now others have too.

51 year old Bill Jenkins from Miami says he was paid $1,550 a month by Romney’s campaign to drive around his “Ron Paul Diversion Vehicle” in Tampa, Florida. He said he would get bonuses for yelling out the window of his car at school children or old people saying such things as “Investigate the Bilderberg Group” and “9/11 was an inside job.” Jenkins continued, “If anyone out there wants me to drive around a car promoting their goods or services, please contact me. I feel what I did for Mitt Romney is a great start to a possible career in this.”

Another person close to the scandal, who wished to remain anonymous said the accusations are 100% true. “Yeah, they called them diversion vehicles. We couldn’t get enough people to drive these things around. Politics are a dirty game and it’s a tough economy out there. Plus, most people are stupid and have no morals whatsoever.”

Paul Horner, a campaign spokesman for Romney, spoke briefly to reporters this morning saying that these allegations are completely false. “We’re running a fair campaign here. Obviously when someone runs for President, the nut jobs are going to come out of the wood work. That’s all this is.” Horner then went on to say, “What we need to be focusing on right now is important issues like Obama’s Birth Certificate. You like having a black Muslim running your country? What about all these gays having the same rights as others? And you’re worried about Mitt Romney buying a few vehicles to possibly deceive the American people, possibly change the outcome of the Presidential election and the future of this country? Seriously people, let’s get our priorities straight here.”

Ron Paul or any of his campaign officials could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.