Whole Foods and McDonald’s Announce Partnership

Whole foods and McDonald's merge

Whole foods announced their partnership with McDonald’s this morning.

Austin, TX – Whole Foods Market is leading the way into shifting the future of the health food and supplement industry again, this time announcing that they will partner with fast food chain, McDonald’s.

McDonald’s revenues grew 27 percent over the three years ending in 2007 to $22.8 billion, and 9 percent growth in operating income to $3.9 billion, but reported a decrease in growth in recent years.

The progressive partnership between Whole Foods and McDonald’s was revealed at a press conference in Austin after lower than expected numbers rattled Wall Street on Thursday. McDonald’s franchise sales representative Aaron Johnson announced that the fast food chain will be shifting new location sales for the current year, stating, “We concluded that people who eat food from Walmart Superstores do not have the time or money to also eat at a McDonald’s during the same visit as much as we originally thought.”

When asked about how he felt about a McDonald’s franchise store inside his store, 34 year old Whole Foods juice department manager Paul Horner said, “Are you kidding me? I don’t make enough money or have enough time to feed my family organic food. I would love to have a McDonald’s right next to the juice bar!”

Apparently, Whole Foods employees like Horner are not alone. A recent survey of 27 people in the bathroom line at the public library around the corner from the store showed a 92 percent preference over a McDonald’s dollar burger over a seven and a half dollar fresh made juice.

57 year old U.S. Marines veteran Bernard Schober stepped out of the line for the bathroom and spoke with reporters, “I’m from Scottsdale, Arizona. And where I’m from, only skinny ladies with handheld dogs and large sunglasses can afford to eat at both McDonald’s and Whole Foods. I think it’s a smart move for America.”

McDonald’s Announces New Flying McLiger Sandwich For A Limited Time Only!

The Flying McLiger sandwich available now at McDonalds for a limited time only.

The Flying McLiger sandwich is available now at McDonald’s for a limited time only.

Houston, TX — Exciting news for fat people around the world as McDonald’s has finally released the all new and highly anticipated Flying McLiger sandwich.

“The Flying McLiger sandwich is exclusively at McDonald’s for a limited time,” said McDonald’s Vice President Eric Burns. “If you don’t give a sh*t about your your health, weight, or endangered species, well then this is the perfect sandwich for you. So don’t have a heart attack trying to run down here and get one, there will be plenty to go around.”

The flying liger is a hybrid between a lion, a tiger and a falcon explains McDonald’s breeding expert Paul Horner. “A flying liger is exactly the same as a regular liger except with wings and the ability to fly,” Horner said. “With over 1,500 calories per serving and 420 added ingredients, it’s gonna taste so good going down into your huge swollen gut.”

All flying ligers live in captivity at the Flying Liger Ranch in Houston, Texas which is owned by the McDonald’s Corporation. “Ligers are tough enough to breed, now just try to imagine getting one of those things to have sex with a falcon,” Horner said. “A lot of sweat and tears goes behind the making of every Flying McLiger sandwich, so eat up all you huge pieces of sh*t.” Horner continued, “Flying ligers enjoy swimming, flying and are extremely sociable. Women and men that have a lot of sweat on them, especially underneath their breast areas, will f*cking love slamming these things down one after another.”

Stop by McDonald’s and get the one and only Flying McLiger sandwich for a limited time only! McDonald’s, I’m f*ckin’ lovin’ it!