Drugs In Colorado: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

gay marijuana

Federal agents display a recent seizure made at a Denver dispensary.

Denver, CO — Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”

James L. Capra, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”

John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never done drugs.”

This weekend federal agents raided Rite Greens Pot Shop in Denver and found 13 pounds of the drug.

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Capra said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.


Justin Bieber Will Be On Omegle January 14th Chatting With Fans

Justin Bieber chatting with fans on Omegle January 14th

Justin Bieber will be chatting with his fans on the website Omegle January 14th.

Hollywood, CA — Justin Bieber’s camp held a press conference today to announce that Bieber will be chatting with his fans on Omegle, a free online chat website, January 14th from 1pm until 11pm PST.

Bieber’s manager Paul Horner told reporters that this is a great way for Bieber to communicate with his fans and fix his tarnished reputation. “After it was reported by TMZ that Justin was smoking marijuana with friends, this hurt Justin deeply. He loves his fans very much and just hopes they can forgive him,” Horner said. “That is why he is spending most of his day this Monday chatting with his fans, his true beliebers as he likes to call them.”

“I think it’s great what Justin is doing,” says 11-year-old Ashley Hawthorne from Brooklyn. “Everyone makes mistakes in life ya know. I love Justin no matter what he does. I’m a true belieber!”

Horner said Bieber will be glad to answer any questions that his fans may have for him. “Justin said he wants his fans to be honest and open with him, and he will do the same. He also said he expects them to be polite and courteous and he will do the same,” Horner said. “Justin is really looking forward to Monday so lets make this a great experience for everyone.”

The Bieber camp told reporters that if a fan is looking to chat with Bieber they simply need to type in the words “I AM A BELIEBER” before starting a conversation with a new stranger. “This will let Justin identify you as a fan,” Horner said. “Each individual has a limit of 10 minutes to chat with Justin before he will move on to the next fan.”

Leif K-Brooks who created Omegle back in 2009 said he is thrilled to have Bieber on his site chatting with fans. “This is exactly what I created the site for. It connects people who would normally never meet in real life. I’m announcing January 14th as ‘Justin Bieber Day’ on Omegle.”

Omegle is a free online chat website that allows users to communicate with strangers without registering. The service randomly pairs users in one-on-one chat sessions where they chat anonymously using the handles “You” and “Stranger”. Omegle also recently launched a mobile application that lets users chat with strangers from an iPhone, iPod Touch, Android,or Palm webOS device.

Justin Bieber And Lil Twist Announce Benefit Concert For NORML – Working to Legalize Marijuana

Justin Bieber smoking weed

Justin Bieber seen here smoking marijuana as reported by the website TMZ.

Brooklyn, NY — Exciting news for Justin Bieber fans and pot smokers around the world, as the Bieber camp told reporters at a press conference this morning that Bieber and rapper Lil Twist are teaming up for a one-night-only benefit concert for NORML, which works to legalize marijuana.

“We’re addressing these issues about Justin smoking marijuana, as reported by TMZ, before it gets out of hand,” Bieber’s manager Paul Horner told reporters. “Justin has always been an activist and by teaming up with Lil Twist for this benefit show it will not only restore his image but it is also for a great cause. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

Opening for Bieber and Lil Twist are long time marijuana advocates Phish. Trey Anastasio who plays guitar and is lead singer for the group said he is looking forward to the concert. “This is a great way to spread awareness about marijuana. Our fans have always had our back, so I hope they support Justin and Lil Twist the same way they’ve always supported us. It will be a great night for a great cause, and we’re really ecstatic to being a part of it.”

Eric Burns who is a spokesman for Barclays Center where the concert will be held said he is thrilled to have Bieber and Lil Twist performing there. “We couldn’t be anymore pleased. Raising awareness about marijuana and working to legalize it is always a great thing,” said Burns. “Also, for some reason I thought Bieber was a girl, no disrespect. I’m not saying a chick couldn’t do all this, I guess I’ve just always been confused. But now that’s all cleared up and I can’t wait for him to perform at our venue.”

Bieber told reporters why he decided to do the concert. “You know, like, if we don’t do something now, the government could take away all our rights and stuff and I’m just trying to do something positive here. I love all my fans and I hope they come out to support what we’re trying to do. Beliebers unite!”

11-year-old Ashley Hawthorne from Brooklyn said she is excited about the upcoming concert. “I can’t wait to go! I’ve never tried marijuana before, but anything Justin does, I will always do. I’m a true belieber!”

29-year-old Aaron Johnson who just got done serving a 3 year prison sentence for felony harassment and stalking of Bieber said he is delighted about the chance to attend this concert. “I served my time and I learned my lesson. I apologized to Justin Bieber’s family and his friends. I had a problem, but I’m better now,” Johnson said. “I should have had clothes on when I showed up at the Bieber’s Thanksgiving dinner in 2009 uninvited. And I should have had clothes on when I was escorted from Bieber’s residence those seven different times. And I should have had clothes on, well pretty much all of 2009. There was actually very few days that I had clothes on that year.” Johnson continued, “I told my probation officer, who has agreed to let me go to this concert next month, that I promise I will keep my clothes on the whole time. You can’t keep a good belieber down!”

NORML is a nonprofit lobbying organization working to legalize marijuana, stop arrests of smokers, provide educational research and information on marijuana. NORML’s mission is to move public opinion to achieve the repeal of marijuana prohibition so that the responsible use of cannabis by adults is no longer subject to penalty.

The concert at Barclays Center is a one-night-only performance and is an all ages show. Bieber Bongs and Bieber Blunts along with other Justin Bieber pro-marijuana merchandise will be available at the concert. The show is scheduled for February 6th at 8 PM. Tickets for this event go on sale tomorrow. The Barclays Center is located at 620 Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn, New York. You can purchase tickets online or call (785) 273-0325.

No “Munchies” Remain After Washington State Legalizes Marijuana

Marijuana addict in Seattle Washington smoking pot Seattle, WA— Marijuana advocates and users in Washington state are celebrating today as possession and use of marijuana has become %100 legal under state law. Though sudden problems have arisen from these new laws that state and local officials were not ready for. It turns out that when a marijuana addict uses their drug, they crave food, food that is commonly known in the drug scene as “munchies“. Unfortunately now that marijuana is legal, a shortage of “munchies” has occurred.

It’s complete chaos out there on the streets says Eric Burns who is the manager of ABC Supermarket in Seattle. “Hoards of stoned kids high on pot, like zombies, have been coming into our store all day long. They reek of marijuana and patchouli,” Burns said. “They’ve cleared out more than 95% of our junk food and we don’t get another shipment in for at least another two or three weeks.” Suddenly Burns’ anger turns into almost tears, “Do you know that we currently have no more Cheetos in stock right now? I f*cking love Cheetos.”

Courtney Groves a reporter with King5 News in Seattle overheard three pot addicts talking about the “munchies” they were going to purchase at a local convenience store after they were done smoking their marijuanas. Groves was able to get this conversation on tape. What you are about to hear may disturb you. Parental supervision is strongly advised:

“Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip. Beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on ‘em, with water, whole lotta water, and… Funyons.”

Groves stops the recording and says that is when the second pot addict chimed in saying, “Yeah, and get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day?” Groves pauses for a second and then speaks. “That’s when he said the word ‘p*ssy’.”

Senator Paul Horner from Texas told reporters he thinks it’s a disgrace what it happening in Washington. “It’s just a matter of time before one of these pot addicts will steal a baby and use it as a ritual in some sort of demonic sacrifice,” Horner said. “Also, I’m sure all these kids using the pot expect free medical treatment once they start to overdose. Yeah, that figures. Smoke your deadly drugs, crave your munchies and baby fetuses for satanic rituals, and then expect the state to provide you with free health care. This country is going to pot, literally.”

President Obama said he thinks it’s great to see what is happening in Washington. “I think it’s nice to see these young folks out there, having fun, listening to their Reggae albums or Sublime song of their choice.” Obama continued, “I just hope they remember to stay safe and remember to always pass it to the left.”

Even though cops in Washington can no longer issue tickets for marijuana, they have been issuing warnings and citations for users that are using the words “dude, bro, man, and stoked” too much in public.

Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) agent Paul Covington from Washington said he’s excited about arresting as many of these marijuana users as possible. “Obama is setting them all up, and we’re knocking em’ all down,” Covington said. “Obama to this day, since taking office, has given the DEA the green light to raid any marijuana dispensary, arrest anyone selling marijuana and put anyone possessing marijuana in prison. Be it a gram or a hundred pounds, you’re all going to jail, regardless of what laws your state may have passed.” Covington continued, “Federal always trumps state, so smoke up kiddies, we’ll be coming for you.”

A state of emergency may be issued, says Governor Christine Gregoire from Washington. “Anyone out there that has Hostess Cupcakes, Starbursts, Totino’s pizza rolls or snack food of any other kind, please, give what you can,” Gregoire said. The Red Cross and the National Guard have setup a 24 hour hotline for your donations. Call the Washington Munchie Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.


> 14 Billion Dollars Worth Of Drugs Stolen From DEA Warehouse In Daring Heist

> DEA Chief Dodges More Questions Friday At Her Own Mental Health Screening

> Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

> Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

> New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized

14 Billion Dollars Worth Of Drugs Stolen From DEA Warehouse In Daring Heist

The Ass Press
Posted: 10/28/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

El Paso drug heist DEA 14 billion dollars worth of drugsEl Paso, TX — In something straight out of a movie, the Drug Enforcement Administration is telling reporters that a group of 10 armed men stormed a warehouse in El Paso, Texas and made off with more than 14 billion dollars of various illegal drugs, making this by far the largest robbery in history. The burglary happened last night when men wearing ski masks and armed with automatic weapons were able to overpower the guards protecting the warehouse. The drugs were being stored as evidence in upcoming criminal trials and then eventually would have been incinerated. Most of the drugs being stored in the warehouse had been seized from The Sinaloa and the Zetas cartel.

Paul Horner who heads up the DEA in El Paso said he’s saddened by news of the robbery but happy that no one was injured. “Luckily none of the guards or police at the warehouse were injured in this tragic event,” Horner said. “It’s just a shame all these drugs will be back on the street.”

A list was made available to reporters of the drugs stolen from the warehouse:

  • 4,600 tons of Marijuana
  • 2,500 kilos of Cocaine
  • 950 kilos of Heroin
  • 810 kilos of Methamphetamine
  • 36,000,000 pills of Ecstasy
  • 1.2 tons of Ketamine
  • 1.1 tons of Bath Salts

Officials said the armed men made entry into the warehouse by way of air ducts in the ventilation system. They subdued the guards and police in and outside of the building. Cameras show at least 5 white vans and a tractor-trailer leaving the seen of the crime.

El Paso resident 19-year-old Ben Sanders said he is happy to hear that these drugs will be back on the street. “Things were getting pretty dry around here for a moment,” Sanders said. “I was getting desperate, smoking this horrible dirt weed my neighbor has. Hopefully some of this stolen 4,600 tons of herb out there is chronic and I can get my hands on some.” Sanders continued, “This whole ‘war on drugs’ is truly a shame. All the violence, the killings, the millions of addicts in prison, the multi-billion dollar a year black market activity. None of it would exist if drugs were just made legal and heavily regulated. People that do drugs are going to do drugs regardless if they are legal or not. No one is going to start slamming heroin just because it’s legal.”

If anyone has any information about this robbery, officials are urging people to contact (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Auctioning Off Pot Seized In Drug Raids since 2008Washington DC — In a move said to raise funds for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama today announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since 2008. The auctions are to be held in only the states that have legalized the drug and only to users with a medical marijuana card.

22-year-old Leland Hollandale from San Diego said he’s excited to participate in these auctions. “This is so cool. I’ll be able to buy my weed cheap, all off the broken dreams of others who are now in prison. I’m so stoked!”

Critics are quick to point out Obama’s stance on marijuana when he ran for President. “Back in 2008 when running for President, Obama said he would be lenient on marijuana laws, but since taking office he’s done just the complete opposite,” said 30-year-old Chris Roybal from New Mexico. “He’s conducted major raids in every state that has legalized marijuana. He’s seized billions of dollars worth of property and assets, ruined families, and put thousands of people in prison. All of this over a harmless plant that should be legal in the first place. He is by far the toughest President on marijuana in over 20 years.”

Paul Horner had his marijuana dispensary raided back in February and is now looking at 10 years in prison. “These auctions are beyond ridiculous. He’s taking the marijuana that’s been seized on a Federal level from states that have legalized it, and then selling it back to them. Obama is by far the biggest drug kingpin in the world and instead of being locked up in prison, he’s the President of The United States.”

Garret Roach, head of the DEA task force in California, said he’s excited about what Obama is doing. “We’ll be carefully watching and tracking everyone that’s buying marijuana from these auction houses. Obama already gave us the green light for raids in all 50 states at the beginning of his presidency. These auctions will give our organization so many new leads in the war on drugs. I can’t wait to make more seizures and put the bad guys in jail.”

Marijuana auction houses will be setting up in all major cities of states that have legalized the drug. Only people carrying a medical marijuana card will be allowed to participate. Users will be limited to two pounds of marijuana per month.

The DEA has setup a 24 hour hotline to answer any questions you may have and to find a marijuana auction house near you.

  • Marijuana Auction Hotline: (785) 273-0325
Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

DEA Chief Dodges More Questions Friday At Her Own Mental Health Screening

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT

DEA Cheif Michele LeonhartWashington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward.

This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, Jared Polis and Steve Cohen, pursued almost identical lines of questioning to the head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, only to have their questions stonewalled and unanswered.

The questions on Wednesday were related to the use of marijuana and the agencies position on it’s health risks to society. Leonhart dodged questions about whether drugs like crack, cocaine, meth and heroin are worse than marijuana. She was repeatedly pressed on the relative health impacts of marijuana versus other drugs, but would not give a direct answer.

Leading the questioning on Friday was Republican Congressman Paul Horner from Arizona. Here are just a few of the excerpts from yesterday’s questioning:

Horner: “Ms. Leonhart, thank you for joining us. After your odd display of actions here on Wednesday, we all have become quite concerned about the state of your mental health. So let’s start with a few basic questions and then go from there, ok?”

Leonhart: “Ok.”

Horner: “Let me first start off by asking you if know whether the number five is greater or less than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are both numbers.”

Horner: “No, that is not what I’m asking you. Is the number five greater than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are, um… those are both prime numbers.”

Horner: “Incorrect again. Let me simplify it for you further. If Bill had five bananas and Jane had two bananas, who would have more bananas?

Leonhart: “The problem with the amount of bananas in our society really depends on supply and demand. Our administration works hand in hand with different agencies to bring the distributors and suppliers to justice.”

Horner: “Never mind, let’s move on. Ms. Leonhart, is the Holocaust worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “They are both problems that society has attempted to stop at one time or another.”

Horner: “What about the Black Plague, starvation, the recession, cancer, Tyler Perry, Snooki and Aids all combined into one evil force… would that evil force be worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “That would be bad. As for the outcome on society, I was not around during the Black Plague, but I have seen Tyler Perry and Snooki, so maybe, in my own personal opinion, marijuana might not be as bad as that.”

Congressman Horner talked to reporters after the screening and considers what happened there a big success. “Ms. Leonhart is obviously slow. She exhibits symptoms of impaired judgement, short-term memory loss and poor critical thinking. These are all the classic signs of someone high on marijuana.” Horner continued, “But she does realize that this evil force that I talked about could be worse than the marijuana that she probably uses herself. So it’s a great start.”

Reporters talked to Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man from Arizona detoxification centers, about the mental health of Leonhart. “This woman is out of her goddamn mind.” Mootron continued, “That lady is in there trying to debate that marijuana is worse than crack, cocaine, heroin and meth… and she’s in charge of the DEA? Oh my lawd, I actually heard that woman say the words “marijuana addiction,” Moontron laughs. Then Moontron went on to explain how he would run the DEA if he was in charge. “Get me up in there, shiiit. Next time those crackers up there asking me questions like that I’ll tell em’, ‘Yo! I don’t make the laws homeboys, I just enforces them.’ That’s it, that’s all she had to say. Damn.”

DEA Chief Leonhart will appear on Dancing With The Stars next month. She won’t admit if this show is worse than marijuana, but does say people that smoke marijuana are prone to deadly and addictive dances of death.

VIDEO: DEA Chief Michele Leonhart, after a possible head injury, giving it her best effort to answer questions at the Judiciary Subcommittee hearings on Wednesday

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana UsersWashington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana users in order to gain any potential information they may or may not have. The act states that by waterboarding the marijuana user for information, such as where they bought their drugs from, it will allow law enforcement officials to use that information to then arrest the dealers, distributors and the actual growers.

After signing NTACT into law, President Obama stated, “This is a great first step in putting an end to this nightmare that has plagued our country for so long now. Marijuana is a destructor of families and communities. By getting to the source of the problem, the actual marijuana user, I think we can finally win the war on drugs. God willing, no one will ever use marijuana again.”

U.S. Representative Lamar S. Smith, who introduced the bill into Congress said, “Marijuana users think they can sit around all day, smoke their reefer, eat fattening foods and watch their stupid television shows… well, not on my watch. Now with the threat of torture, I seriously doubt marijuana addicts will have the guts to smoke their drugs again.”

Obama went on to restate his position by saying, “I want to be clear. If a state legalizes marijuana, this law will still affect those residents. I’m sure you’re already well aware, that I won’t hesitate to send DEA agents into states that have already legalized the drug. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state or not, or who you are, if you make the choice to use marijuana, we will find you and we will waterboard you.” Obama went on to say, “With a marijuana arrest before, you might have just lost all your possessions, family and gone to prison. Thanks to this new bill I signed into law today, you’re now also going to get waterboarded. I’ve already passed The National Defense Act (NDAA), which allows us to send American citizens to jail for an infinite amount of time with no lawyer, judge or jury, so I think you should know by now that I’m not one to mess with.”

Paul Horner, one of Obama’s presidential advisers on the matter told the press today, “There’s just too many special interests out there that are making too much money because of marijuana’s illegal status. Do you have any idea how much money those lobbyists and special interest groups would stand to lose if we suddenly legalized marijuana? They would lose a lot. Sure our economy would probably improve if we taxed and regulated it, but the super-elite, the %1, are the ones who get hurt here. They are the ones we listen to.” Horner continued, “You can’t just make things like hemp legal. Pretty soon you wouldn’t have to cut down trees, then what are all the loggers out there going to do? You have to think about things like that. We see the big picture here at the White House. That’s why I’m up on stage holding a press conference and you’re down there writing everything that I’m saying.”

Danny Simmons from the DEA told CNN he approves of NTACT. “I don’t think there’s anyone I work with that isn’t excited about this law being passed. I think it’s going to be hilarious waterboarding a pot head; they are already so paranoid to begin with. The looks on their faces are gonna be priceless. They’ll be like, ah don’t kill me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Simmons laughs, “How awesome are things going to be now.”

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