Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney Inspires 47% Of Americans Not To Be Losers Anymore

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

Mitt Romney is inspiring 47% of America not to be losers anymoreWashington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of freeloaders that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.

Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”

Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was going to go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”

Dean Huls is one of ‘Romney’s losers’ but said he is trying his best to change his ways. Huls said he also supports Romney’s plan to make porn illegal. “I used to love porn. I would watch porn all day long. I didn’t have a job, I collected welfare and I paid no taxes. I was a loser.” Huls continued, “But things are different now thanks to Mr. Romney. Instead of rubbing one out, I rub the carpet in the living room for stains. Now instead of beating my meat, I got a job at a deli and beat the meat there. I get so many more activities done now since I don’t look at porn all day long. Though I’m a little edgier and don’t sleep more than 30 minutes a night, but it gives me plenty of time to work on not being a loser. One day soon, I just know it, Mr. Romney will come to my house and knock on my door. He’ll say, ‘Congratulations Dean, you’re not a loser anymore. Welcome to the club, big guy. Now you’re baller status’. That will be the happiest day of my life.”

Romney campaign promoter Mike Sanders said they’re coming out with a whole new line of t-shirts and other merchandise so you can support Romney’s cause. “We have some really great shirts now with a lot of extremely inspirational sayings. My favorite ones so far are, Every time you masturbate, Mitt Romney sheds a tear and Get a job and stop jerking off, you f*cking loser.” Sanders continued, “I think it was Mitt Romney who said it best, Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dollar, dollar bill y’all.”

Multimillionaire Paul Horner said he’s confused if he’s a loser or not. “I’m part of Mitt Romney’s 47% of losers. I paid zero taxes last year, but I wasn’t alone. Over 7,000 other millionaires in America paid zero taxes in 2011. About 55,000 millionaires paid a lower tax rate than millions of middle-income Americans last year and I’m pretty sure that includes Mitt Romney himself. Is Mitt Romney calling himself a loser?” Horner continued, “Maybe Mitt Romney could be a little more specific and clarify who the real losers in America exactly are. The last thing I want is Mitt Romney thinking that I’m a loser.”

Mitt Romney’s 47% Video

RELATED NEWS >> Mitt Romney Does Blackface On BET

Mitt Romney doing blackface on BET

Read full story >> HERE

Update 1/4/13
Popular vote 2012: Mitt Romney ironically gets … 47% of the vote, read more.

Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/24/2012 3:41:14 PM PDT

Todd AkinDequincy, LA — In a move that is shocking the nation today, the Honorable Judge Paul Horner of Dequincy Louisiana, reversed the guilty verdict of accused rapist Daryl James Thompson based on what the judge is calling the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. Horner said that since it was legitimate rape and that the victim actually got pregnant from Thompson, it proves the man could not have raped her. This announcement comes just days after Republican Todd Akin’s controversial comments aired on a St. Louis TV station. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” Akin said on Sunday.

Thompson was in court today for sentencing. This is when Horner announced he was reversing the jury’s unanamous guilty verdict from two weeks prior. Horner then dismissed all charges, apologized to Thompson for his time and then released him from custody. The decision by the judge is making headlines not just because the victim was able to positively identify her rapist but because the baby she gave birth to also matched Thompson’s DNA exactly. This is now the first accused rapist to be found not guilty using this new ‘Todd Akin Defense’.

Brandon Adams who was the State’s Prosecutor on the case said he was stunned by the judges decision and is now worried about future cases involving rape. “What Judge Horner did here today will set a precedent that can now be used in any future and past rape cases. Any rapist who impregnated a woman can now use the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. The scary part is this also applies to anyone in prison who is currently serving time for their crime,” Adams said. “We could realistically see thousands of violent rapists back on the streets in the next 30-90 days.”

Outside the Courthouse, Reverend Matt Johnson from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in Dequincy talked to reporters and said he supports the judges decision. “Judge Horner is doing god’s work,” Johnson said. “Republican Todd Akin is an amazing man and his beautiful words spoken the other day have inspired a remarkable person like Paul Horner to let an innocent man remain free. We have to obey what our elected officials like Akin say, and that is exactly what Judge Horner did. Our god is truly shining his everlasting love down on the town of Dequincy today.”

Family members of the rape victim said they don’t agree with the judge’s decision today whatsoever. The victim’s father spoke briefly to reporters before leaving with the other members of the family who were there for sentencing. “Judge Horner is completely insane and not living in this century. He’s out of touch with society and someone needs to legitimately rape him.”

The family of Daryl James Thompson has setup a hotline so people can send in their donations to help others wrongly found guilty of rape. They say the funds collected will be used for attorney fees to help those currently in prison be released as soon as possible.

  • The Daryl James Thompson Rape Release Hotline: (785) 273-0325

 

NBC Explains Tape Delay And Censorship Of The Olympics

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT

NBC tape delay and censorship of the Olympic games in LondonLondon, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain what really happens during these tape delays and censorship of the games.

“NBC has been in business for over 86 years,” Horner said. “NBC knows what the American people like to watch and what they are mentally unable to handle. We make sure to edit all of our footage so it’s friendly and pleasant for everyone. It’s our way of coming into your living room every night and saying, hello and how are you this evening?”

Brandon Adams from Dequincy, Louisiana says he doesn’t mind the tape delay or censorship by NBC of the games. “I didn’t even know the Olympics were going on till the other night. Me and my old lady had just got in a fight so I was at home drinking a few beers and channel surfing. Suddenly I turn to NBC and I see this half naked girly jumping around in a bikini. So I called up my good friend Charles Ray in Jackson County to tell him about this girl on TV. He then told me that was the Olympics and I was like whaaaat!?!”

Horner went on to explain the different options to watch the games and the costs associated with each one. “There’s a ‘live feed’, and then there’s a ‘live-live feed’. The live feed is free. The live-live feed costs $100 because it’s a more expensive technology involving quantum physics and some forms of time travel.” Horner continued, “If someone were to spend $100 so that they can watch the games ‘live-live’ and unedited they can, and no one is stopping them from doing that. But how much more fun is it to have a multinational corporation like NBC make your decisions for you about what you like and what you don’t like and when you are allowed to watch what you want to watch? Our censoring and tape delays have nothing to do with trying to get you to pay the $100 fee, it’s only about love. At NBC, we love you.”

Critics are quick to point out how the tape delay is unfair and completely unnecessary. “The Summer Olympics are one of the most important sporting events known to man,” says Jay B Fail a reporter with The New York Times. “These actions by NBC are just pure greed, plain and simple.”

Horner finished the press conference by explaining one of the main reasons for the tape delay. “Here at NBC we take the airing of the Olympics extremely serious. After our cameras record that days events in London, the tape is then hand delivered to another NBC executive 10 miles away in Watford. From there the tape is passed on to the town of Luton. In Luton the tape is given to a runner in Northhampton where they will then make the final 50 mile trek to an NBC broadcasting station in Leicester. There the tape is carefully viewed for authenticity by specialists, edited for happiness and then aired live to Americans for their viewing entertainment. This also gives most Americans enough time to fly home and watch what they saw at the Olympics in London live on television in the comfort of their own home.”

Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 DeadDeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.

This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.

Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”

When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”

The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.

“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”

Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60’s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”

The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”

Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.

Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.

[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.

[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”

[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 Dead

[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”

[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.

[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”

[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”

Image of the bomb that destroyed DeQuincy Louisiana from the zombie attack from bath salts

[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.

Image of the new zombie proof cars for DeQuincy

[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.

[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.

Zombie bath salts

[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.

Zombie bath salts

Zombie McDonalds

[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.

[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:

Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136