Small Town In Louisiana Bans Koreans

April 21, 2013 By 5 Comments
Town bans Koreans

Mayor Maynard Wilkens and Sheriff Bobby Joe Williams explained the new law that bans Koreans from the town of DeQuincy.

DeQuincy, LA — With all the current tensions overseas right now a small town in Louisiana has taken matters into their own hands. They have begun removing all Koreans currently living in the town and have prevented any new Koreans from entering.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to reporters today and explained the ban that takes effect at midnight tonight. “I don’t care if they’re South Korean or North Korean, I know they are somehow working together. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand if they want, but DeQuincy is doing something about it.” Mayor Wilkens continued, “Those Gangnam Style, slanted-eye freaks, can take their nukes somewhere else because they don’t belong here in DeQuincy, that’s for damn sure.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town said he will not tolerate any Koreans in the city any longer. “Even if they just look Korean, they are banned from entering our town. If they try and resist they will either be locked up or shot on sight. I don’t know the difference between a China man from some Japanese guy, and I don’t care to know. All I know is they all gotta go, and when they’re gone, they stay gone, or they be gone.”


34-year-old Paul Horner who has been a resident of DeQuincy for the past 20 years spoke to reporters briefly about his Korean mail-order bride that he purchased 5-years ago. “My wife Hyori is the prettiest little thing you’d ever lay your eyes on and I love her to death, but right now, I don’t trust her. With everything that is going on, how do I know she isn’t some secret agent that was sent over here to blow up our town?” Horner continued, “And she’s real sneaky too. She’s always sneaking around, trying to get out of the basement even when I have the door locked. She probably even knows those terrorists who did the Boston marathon bombings. But don’t you worry about that, I’ve been waterboarding her day and night. I will get information from her. Our country’s freedom depends on it.”

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban. Any questions or comments about the ban can be referred to a 24-hour hotline the city has set up at (785) 273-0325.

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Disney Announces Plans For 26,000 Star Wars Movies In The Next 5 Years

February 10, 2013 By 4 Comments
Darth Vader and Disney have teamed up

Seen here is a promotional photo for Disney’s ‘Darth Vader Heads West’, scheduled for release next week.

Hollywood, CA — Fanboys around the world are celebrating as Disney has just announced plans for an additional 26,000 Star Wars movies to be released in the next 5 years. This news comes just months after Disney acquired George Lucas‘ Lucasfilm Ltd. which  includes the rights to the entire Star Wars franchise.

Paul Horner who is Chairman & CEO of Disney said these are exciting times for the company. “No matter if you’re 9 or 90 years old, we have a Star Wars movie coming out just for you. Even if you don’t like Star Wars, we have a movie for that too!”

“There’s probably 100 or so of these new Star Wars movies I would like to see, but definitely not the other 25,900,” says Lucasfilm’s head animator Kyle Brock. “The problem happened when some executive over at Disney that goes by just the name ‘Paul‘, like Seal or some bullsh*t like that, heard a rumor that he wasn’t supposed to tell anybody about, but he did anyway. Now he’s trying to make up for his mistake by releasing all these thousands of crap Star Wars movies,” Brock said. “He still deserves a beat-down in my opinion because the damage has already been done. I mean, Hakuna Matata now means, may the Force be with you. What the f*ck is that all about?”

Before ending the press conference, Horner left a list of the next 6 Star Wars films coming to theaters or DVD this week:

  • Yoda & Shrek’s Great Adventure
    Yoda is Shrek’s great grandfather and attempts to show Skrek the ways of the Force while at the same time getting into wacky adventures.
  • Pinocchio: Lightsaber Of Death
    Pinocchio’s nose becomes a lightsaber and has to fight off members of the dark side.
  • Lady and the Tramp in Space
    Han Solo and Princess Leia share a meatball and get romantically involved as they fight off evil villains in different parts of the galaxy.
  • Mickey Mouse & Luke Skywalker’s Day Off
    Mickey Mouse and Luke Skywalker sit around a kitchen table, drinking tea, talking about current events and different women that they have been with throughout their lives.
  • C-3PO and Wall-E Forever
    C-3PO and Wall-E are gay lovers who live together in a one bedroom apartment in the redneck town of DeQuincy, Louisiana. It is a touching story about two gay robots and their struggles with society to accept them for who they are.
  • Jedi Computer Skills
    A 3 hour long documentary about turning off your computer, leaving your parents basement and talking to the opposite sex, just like a real Jedi would do.

Brock told reporters he does not approve of Disney’s buyout of Lucasfilm. “Disney is the definition of corporate greed, who are making as many Star Wars movies as possible, just because they can and they know they will make money, regardless if it tarnishes the Star Wars brand forever,” Brock said. “And what happens after five years when the first 26,000 movies are released, are they just going to make another 26,000 movies? It’s just not cool George Lucas, it’s not cool at all.”

In order to make all 26,000 movies in 5 years Disney will be releasing a little over 14 films per day on average. The stock and cash transaction of Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm totaled an estimated $4.05 billion. The deal was approved in October of last year by the Disney Board of Directors and Lucas, the sole Lucasfilm shareholder.

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Small Town In Louisiana Arming Its Students & Staff With Hand Guns

January 17, 2013 By 22 Comments
School arming it's kids with guns

Meagan Greenfield, a 5th grade student at DeQuincy Elementary School, is seen here checking her assigned Glock pistol to make sure it is fully loaded and working properly.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking matters into their own hands when it comes to the controversial topic of gun control. They are arming all of their students, K-12, and staff members with hand guns. The three different schools in the town will also have armed guards with semi-automatic rifles stationed at every entrance.

Paul Horner who is the Superintendent for the school district in DeQuincy spoke with reporters this afternoon to explain the new gun policies. “We won’t let a tragedy like Sandy Hook happen in DeQuincy,” said Horner. “We understand it’s a big step putting guns in the hands of school children but drastic times call for drastic measures.”

Chief spokesman for the NRA in Louisiana Bill Hanson believes it is great what the town of DeQuincy is doing. “This is a great step in the right direction. The town of DeQuincy is the first city in the country to join our new ‘Kids With Guns’ program,” Hanson said. “No one in their right mind would think of shooting up a school filled with 500 kids and teachers armed to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons. Hopefully more schools will follow DeQuincy’s lead on this.” Hanson continued, “If you had guns in the hands of every child and teacher in the United States, school shootings would be a thing of the past, something you would just read about in the history books.”

3rd grade student Brandon Adams said he loves his new gun. “It’s so awesome, I look like James Bond now” Adams said. “I dare any of the bullies in the school to pick on me now. They try and disrespect again and it’s game over son.”

Every student and staff member in DeQuincy will be required to carry on their persons at all time a fully loaded Glock pistol. The children and staff members are also obligated to take a 40 hour class on how to fire a handgun safely and correctly. Staff members told reporters the children will not be allowed to take the weapons home with them and the guns will be locked up every night so no accidents can occur. For more information or how to get your school district enrolled in the ‘Kids With Guns’ program, please call (785) 273-0325.

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New Craze In Louisiana Called ‘Whipping’ Has Arrests At An All-Time High

January 13, 2013 By 11 Comments
New Craze In Louisiana Called Whipping Has Arrests At An All-Time High

Seen here is an anonymous individual ‘whipping’ on a mailbox. ‘Whipping’ is a new trend in Louisiana which involves males rubbing their penis on various objects.

DeQuincy, LA — A new craze is sweeping parts of Louisiana as teenagers are participating in a unique fad known as ‘whipping’. ‘Whipping’ involves a male rubbing their penis on various objects and then taking a picture of his actions to show friends or posting the photo(s) online for others to see.

23-year-old Brandon Adams from DeQuincy told reporters the different types of ‘whipping’ that is being done in his town. “The better the ‘whipping’ the more points you score with friends,” Adams said. “Pulling down your pants and ‘whipping’ on a bar stool or something is pretty funny, but ‘whipping’ on a police car is epic. The more danger involved, makes for a better picture.”

Local resident 27-year-old Sarah Winters witnessed ‘whipping’ just days ago and told reporters that she is still traumatized from the event. “So I’m at this bar by my house with my friend Amber, drinking a few beers, just having a good time. Suddenly this group of 5 or 6 guys come in with their pants down and start running around the bar rubbing their dicks on everything. Before the owner had a chance to do anything, the group had left, but not before penis residue was all over everything,” Winters said. “They had to close the bar for two days and bring in a Hazmat Crew to clean up everything. I don’t think what they’re doing is funny at all, it’s just disgusting.”

Sergeant Paul Horner of the DeQuincy Police Department said ‘whipping’ has become a big problem in the town. “The kids get drunk, they pull down their pants and start rubbing their dicks all over everything,” Horner said. “It’s not cool or hilarious like these guys think it is, it’s illegal. A first time offense for ‘whipping’ will usually get the individual a warning. Second and third offenses carry a minimum of a week to 30 days in jail. We’re done messing around with these types of shenanigans.”

Horner ended the press conference explaining what his plans are for the future of ‘whipping’ in DeQuincy. “Pranks like these have been around for years. It used to be innocent things like planking and things of that nature, but ‘whipping’ is just going too far. We are making it priority number one in our city to put an end to it once and for all.”

If you witness ‘whipping’ of any kind please call the Whipping Hotline at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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Teacher Fired After Telling 1st Graders That Santa, Easter Bunny And Tooth Fairy Do Not Exist

December 24, 2012 By 22 Comments
Paul Horner teacher in DeQuincy Louisiana who told his class Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy don't exist.

Paul Horner seen here, has been missing since December 12th after he told his 1st grade class that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy do not exist.

DeQuincy, Louisiana — Parents have brought a class action lawsuit against the DeQuincy Elementary School in Louisiana over comments made by a first grade teacher back on December 12th. According to first graders, 45-year-old Paul Horner told his class that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy do not exist.

Principal Courtney Groves explained to reporters what happened that fateful day. “Besides Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy not existing, Horner also told the class that their parents lie to them because they don’t love them. Horner told the students that their whole life is a lie and they should go f*ck themselves,” Groves said. “Horner then jumped on his desk and climbed out through one of the panels in the ceiling. We have not been able to locate Mr. Horner since this incident.”

Eric Burns who is a parent of one of the first graders in Horner’s class said he’s disappointed in the school. “We trust the school and teachers to give them a good education. This is exactly what happens when you take god out of school. Teachers should be teaching about actual events that happened like Jesus walking on water and how the gays will burn in hell, and not all this evolution mumbo jumbo.”

Parent Susan Miller who is organizing the lawsuit against the school said her son will have emotional scars for life. “My little Billy can’t sleep at night,” Miller sobs. “He keeps thinking that he’s not getting any presents for Christmas. He also keeps telling both my husband and I that we should go f*ck ourselves and that the government uses fear to suppress and control society.”

This is not the first incident with Horner who has been employed at the DeQuincy Elementary School for only six months. In October of this year he was given a warning for being highly intoxicated while at work after he was caught by staff members urinating in the coffee maker. His random drug test in November came back positive for PCP, ecstasy, cocaine, embalming fluid and an unknown horse tranquilizer. He was put on administrative leave without pay but unfortunately the school could not find a replacement and Horner was given his job back.

For any information on Horner’s whereabouts please contact the DeQuincy Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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Obama Declares December National Gay Guy Appreciation Month

November 17, 2012 By 7 Comments

Obama announcing December as 'National Gay Guy Appreciation' MonthWashington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce that he is declaring the month of December ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’. “I probably would have never met my beautiful wife of 19 years if there were gay guys in the playing field. They stay away from females and make our job as men easier,” Obama told reporters. “Thank you to all the gay men in this world from the bottom of my heart.”

Eric Burns a Scientist at Bell Labs said if all gay men suddenly turned straight our society would cease to exist. “Gay men keep other gay men away from the female gender. If suddenly these gay men were to turn straight, there would not be enough females to go around, it would be complete chaos,” Burns said. “No males would go to work. They would end up wandering the streets for eternity searching for a female partner, which they never would find. Cities would crumble, Nations would collapse, Empires would fall.”

29-year old Paul Horner from Apple Valley, Minnesota said he is pleased with the president’s decision to hold a month just to celebrate gay guys. “At least 90% of gay dudes are better looking than me,” said Horner. “If suddenly they all turned straight, no way would I ever get laid. I barely get laid as it is.” Horner continued, “Without gay guys, my monthly expenses for hookers and hand lotion would go through the roof. Thank you gay guys.”

Billy Jo Williams from Dequincy, Louisiana told reporters he’s happy with president Obama’s decision. “Hell yes I’m grateful for all those queers,” Williams said. “With all those dudes off the market, I get my d*ck wet so much, you can’t even imagine. Thank you gay guys.”

Obama finished the press conference by telling reporters how happy he was with America and how far it has come since it’s inception. “Folks, there is no way we could have had a ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ 20 years ago. That really says a lot about the growth and progress of this great country.”

‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ begins December 1st and will end at midnight on December 31st. For any questions or comments please contact the 24-hour National Gay Guy Appreciation Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

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New Law Allows Pregnant Women To Use Carpool Lane In Louisiana

November 11, 2012 By 9 Comments

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant woman.Dequincy, LA — The Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant women that take effect beginning December 1st, 2012. Pregnant women, driving alone, now legally count as two people and will have full access to all carpool and HOV lanes.

Jindal explained the groundbreaking new law to reporters. “Women that are pregnant will now legally be able to drive in any carpool or HOV lane in Louisiana,” Jindal said. “That fetus in the woman is a human being so it counts as two people in the car. We encourage other states to follow our example.”

Louisiana has the strictest rules in the country against abortion, according to NARAL. Ninety-two percent of Louisiana counties currently don’t have an abortion provider. State health officials are allowed to suspend the license of outpatient abortion facilities for as little as one violation. Louisiana law subjects women seeking abortion services to biased-counseling requirements and mandatory delays.

Long time resident Brandon Adams from Dequincy told reporters that he doesn’t agree with the new law. “I always drive in the carpool lane if I’m alone or with a buddy,” Adams said. “It’s a lot tougher to drive in the normal lanes when you’ve been drinking and now I’m going to have to deal with all these preggos that shouldn’t even be driving in the first place.” Adams continued, “Why do they let women drive anyway? They can’t make sandwiches very easily while driving.”

Paul Horner who is pro-life and a political adviser for Jindal says he fully agrees with the new law. “Pregnant women caught driving outside of the HOV or carpool lane will be subjected to a $500 fine. Women that go against our loving god’s wishes and decide to abort their human passenger living inside of them will face much more severe consequences.” Horner continued, “At the state level, they will have their driver’s license suspended for one full year. At the ‘defying-god-soulless level’, they will bathe in a pit of hell fire for eternity.”

  • For more information please contact the 24 Hour Louisiana HOV Pregnant Hotline: (785) 273-0325
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Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

September 29, 2012 By 13 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, classic insurance, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325
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Mitt Romney Inspires 47% Of Americans Not To Be Losers Anymore

September 18, 2012 By 9 Comments
The Ass Press
Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

Mitt Romney is inspiring 47% of America not to be losers anymoreWashington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of freeloaders that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.

Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”

Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was going to go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”

Dean Huls is one of ‘Romney’s losers’ but said he is trying his best to change his ways. Huls said he also supports Romney’s plan to make porn illegal. “I used to love porn. I would watch porn all day long. I didn’t have a job, I collected welfare and I paid no taxes. I was a loser.” Huls continued, “But things are different now thanks to Mr. Romney. Instead of rubbing one out, I rub the carpet in the living room for stains. Now instead of beating my meat, I got a job at a deli and beat the meat there. I get so many more activities done now since I don’t look at porn all day long. Though I’m a little edgier and don’t sleep more than 30 minutes a night, but it gives me plenty of time to work on not being a loser. One day soon, I just know it, Mr. Romney will come to my house and knock on my door. He’ll say, ‘Congratulations Dean, you’re not a loser anymore. Welcome to the club, big guy. Now you’re baller status’. That will be the happiest day of my life.”

Romney campaign promoter Mike Sanders said they’re coming out with a whole new line of t-shirts and other merchandise so you can support Romney’s cause. “We have some really great shirts now with a lot of extremely inspirational sayings. My favorite ones so far are, Every time you masturbate, Mitt Romney sheds a tear and Get a job and stop jerking off, you f*cking loser.” Sanders continued, “I think it was Mitt Romney who said it best, Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dollar, dollar bill y’all.”

Multimillionaire Paul Horner said he’s confused if he’s a loser or not. “I’m part of Mitt Romney’s 47% of losers. I paid zero taxes last year, but I wasn’t alone. Over 7,000 other millionaires in America paid zero taxes in 2011. About 55,000 millionaires paid a lower tax rate than millions of middle-income Americans last year and I’m pretty sure that includes Mitt Romney himself. Is Mitt Romney calling himself a loser?” Horner continued, “Maybe Mitt Romney could be a little more specific and clarify who the real losers in America exactly are. The last thing I want is Mitt Romney thinking that I’m a loser.”

Mitt Romney’s 47% Video

RELATED NEWS >> Mitt Romney Does Blackface On BET

Mitt Romney doing blackface on BET

Read full story >> HERE

Update 1/4/13
Popular vote 2012: Mitt Romney ironically gets … 47% of the vote, read more.

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