Bill Murray Is Hero After Saving Child’s Life From Oncoming Traffic

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Bill Murray is a hero after he saves the life of a child in London, England today from certain death. (AP Photo/David Hatala)

London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? According to Fox News and NBC, that is the question being asked by London residents and police today as Murray saved the life of a 9-year-old girl from certain death after he pushed her out of the way at the last second of a semi-truck that was barreling down on the young girl at full speed.

36-year-old Paul Horner, who is in London on business, witnessed the near fatal accident, and told the BBC News about what he saw.

“Yeah, it was horrifying. I saw this little girl standing in the middle of road on her phone and this truck was just going full speed, right towards this poor girl. Then out of nowhere this man pushed her out of the way at the last second saving her life,” Horner said. “So I ran over to them to see if they were alright and to my amazement I see that the girl was perfectly fine and the guy who saved her was none other than Bill Murray! It was Bill frickin’ Murray who saved this kids life!” Horner continued, “That guy is always doing something awesome whether it’s making movies, playing golf with the pros, crashing random parties, bartending with RZA and GZA from the Wu Tang Claneating french fries off the tables of random people or saving lives! He’s everywhere!”

9-year-old Courtney Groves from Bristol, England told reporters about her near death experience.

“I was just playing Zombie Playground, it’s like my favorite game, and wasn’t paying attention to the cars around me. Thank you Mr. Murray for saving my life today,” Groves said. “He even sat down with me and helped me finish the level I was playing. We got a perfect score! He told me that he was in a movie years ago about a zombie, just like my game! I didn’t know what he was talking about but Bill Murray liked my game and he saved my life so I thought that was really neat!”

Murray spoke briefly to reporters about the incident.

“I’m no hero, I was just in the right place at the right time. I think anyone else in my position would have done the same,” Murray said. “Courtney is a great kid. We talked for a while. She even let me play her game on her phone. I told her the next time you wanna play video games, don’t do it in the middle of traffic.”

Tweet from Boris Johnson the Mayor of London about Bill Murray

25-year-old Brian Barth who is a game developer on the Zombie Playground™ team told CNN that he is thrilled the child was not injured.

“It’s an amazing thing that Bill Murray was there to save her life.” Barth said. “It feels really good when someone plays a game you helped create, had a hand in developing; it’s just not a game meant to be played in the middle of traffic, that’s for sure, well unless Bill Murray is there,” Barth laughs.

Boris Johnson who is the Mayor of London told reporters how proud he is to have Murray currently in his city.

“This is a day for everyone in London to celebrate Bill Murray,” Johnson said. “Most blokes would have just stood there like an arse and let that poor girl get run over, but not Mr. Murray. So it is decided, for his bravery we are throwing him a parade and awarding him a key to the city. Today is Bill Murray day in London!”

Murray was in London visiting friends and sightseeing when this near-tragic event took place. Murray says he plans to stay in London for another week and then is off to Japan to finish up work on a new project. Police say alcohol was a factor in this near-fatal tragedy.





NBC Explains Tape Delay And Censorship Of The Olympics

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT

NBC tape delay and censorship of the Olympic games in LondonLondon, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain what really happens during these tape delays and censorship of the games.

“NBC has been in business for over 86 years,” Horner said. “NBC knows what the American people like to watch and what they are mentally unable to handle. We make sure to edit all of our footage so it’s friendly and pleasant for everyone. It’s our way of coming into your living room every night and saying, hello and how are you this evening?”

Brandon Adams from Dequincy, Louisiana says he doesn’t mind the tape delay or censorship by NBC of the games. “I didn’t even know the Olympics were going on till the other night. Me and my old lady had just got in a fight so I was at home drinking a few beers and channel surfing. Suddenly I turn to NBC and I see this half naked girly jumping around in a bikini. So I called up my good friend Charles Ray in Jackson County to tell him about this girl on TV. He then told me that was the Olympics and I was like whaaaat!?!”

Horner went on to explain the different options to watch the games and the costs associated with each one. “There’s a ‘live feed’, and then there’s a ‘live-live feed’. The live feed is free. The live-live feed costs $100 because it’s a more expensive technology involving quantum physics and some forms of time travel.” Horner continued, “If someone were to spend $100 so that they can watch the games ‘live-live’ and unedited they can, and no one is stopping them from doing that. But how much more fun is it to have a multinational corporation like NBC make your decisions for you about what you like and what you don’t like and when you are allowed to watch what you want to watch? Our censoring and tape delays have nothing to do with trying to get you to pay the $100 fee, it’s only about love. At NBC, we love you.”

Critics are quick to point out how the tape delay is unfair and completely unnecessary. “The Summer Olympics are one of the most important sporting events known to man,” says Jay B Fail a reporter with The New York Times. “These actions by NBC are just pure greed, plain and simple.”

Horner finished the press conference by explaining one of the main reasons for the tape delay. “Here at NBC we take the airing of the Olympics extremely serious. After our cameras record that days events in London, the tape is then hand delivered to another NBC executive 10 miles away in Watford. From there the tape is passed on to the town of Luton. In Luton the tape is given to a runner in Northhampton where they will then make the final 50 mile trek to an NBC broadcasting station in Leicester. There the tape is carefully viewed for authenticity by specialists, edited for happiness and then aired live to Americans for their viewing entertainment. This also gives most Americans enough time to fly home and watch what they saw at the Olympics in London live on television in the comfort of their own home.”