Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

Paul HornerJonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.” Local hero, Paul Horner, who thwarted the would-be robbers said, “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

Longtime diner Susan Litchfield said it was a pretty tense moment. “The robbers asked Mr. Horner what was in his hand. He told them it was his wallet that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just thought he was some crazy white guy with a death wish.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them: Normally, both your asses would be dead as f*cking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.”

Barkins said he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had temporarily snapped. I asked him if he was ok and he shouted, ‘Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain’t none of your go*damn business’. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherf*ckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

“In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in Jonestown,” Officer Miller from the Jonestown Police Department said. “It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

The robbers are described as a white male and female aged 35-45. Any information please contact the Jonestown Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.


“Now I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet.”
“Which one is it?”
“It’s the one that says bad mother f*cker.”

69 Dead In Apparent Mass Joke Suicide

paul horner jonestown joke suicideJonestown, AZ — Reports are just coming in of an apparent mass joke suicide in Jonestown, Arizona. The cult’s members, Room for Improv-ment – whose name comes from an episode of Family Guy, appear to have died early this morning from a deadly joke overdose.

The FBI negotiated with cult leader Paul Horner for days pleading with him not to tell the joke, but by the time they finally raided the compound in Jonestown it was too late. The joke had already been told and all 69 members of the cult, including Horner, were dead.

The FBI is not releasing details of the joke at this time, fearing for the public’s safety, but have confirmed it’s some sort of knock knock joke. A spokesman for the FBI said everyone at the compound apparently died of laughter.

One person is still missing that was not effected by the joke. The FBI believes this person did not find the joke to be that funny. At this time it’s feared the person knows complete details of the joke and since laughter is contagious, they could spread it at any time.

James Kidwell of the FBI says he wants to learn details of the joke for a possible career change as a stand-up comedian. “Being an FBI agent is fun,” says Kidwell. “But how cool would it be to be a standup comic with a joke so powerful it kills your entire audience? Maybe I’m just thinking out loud. On second thought I’ll probably just stick to being an FBI agent for now.”

[Breaking News at 09-17-12 | 5:58 PM PDT] Some sort of ‘Death-Ray’ has been taking the lives of animals all around the world. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the pet’s family members and their owners. More information will be posted as it becomes available.

New Drug Craze Leaves 3 Teenagers Hospitalized

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/10/2012 5:35:14 AM PDT

5 Hour Energy drug called 5HEAustin, TX — A new drug called 5HE is putting American teens in the hospital at alarming rates. The recent incident happened Friday to  three students at the Jonestown High School in Austin, Texas.

All three students were rushed to Jonestown Memorial Hospital. Doctors say all three of them will recover but it was an extremely close call. Emergency room staff there say they have seen an increase in cases linked to 5HE or what is sometimes referred to by police as “the new LSD”.

Authorities told reporters the drug is taken orally and produces extreme euphoria and hallucinations. “The teenagers are buying large amounts of the energy drink commonly known as 5-Hour Energy,” said Police Captain Eric Roberts. “They drink five or more of these bottles at a time and because there’s only 24 hours in a day, it becomes too much energy for their bodies to handle.” Roberts continued, “Three students from Friday’s incident each had about 40 hours of energy in them, 16 hours more energy than what is actually possible in a 24 hour day.”

AJ Smith, a 12th grader at the school, said he’s tried using 5HE and told reporters about his experience. “One day after school I was hanging out at a friend’s house. They had a whole case of 5HE. So I opened five of them and drank them all at once. Soon I blasted off somewhere else. My soul was tasting and hearing colors. I was swimming in love. There were these beings of light telling me that everything was going to be alright and that I shouldn’t fall into amazement. They told me that there is nothing to ever be afraid of and that life is all just a ride. There was no time or space. I could have been there for a billion years or one minute. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

Not so awesome for Meagan Graff though, who was one of the three students who overdosed from 5HE on Friday. Friends say she drank eight 5-Hour Energy drinks. “That equals 40 hours of energy. There is just not enough hours in the day,” sobs Becky Winters, a long time friend of the girl.

The Chief of Police in Austin, Paul Horner, believes the entire incident could easily have been prevented. “It’s just too much energy for the body to handle in a 24 hour period,” says Horner. “Some of these kids are now actually smoking 5-Hour Energy to get even more energy. The lengths that these junkies will go to never ceases to amaze me.”

Most stores in Austin have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy or limited purchases to two drinks or less. Dale Evans a store clerk at Fiesta Mart told reporters that with all the recent bans on 5HE he says kids have been getting pretty desperate these days to get their fix. “Sometimes we’ll see homeless people in here trying to buy 5-Hour Energy for the kids. We know what they’re up to.”

Paul Horner ended the press conference by stating to reporters, “I have a message out there for anyone selling 5-Hour Energy. If people are dying because of your LSD that you’re selling, you will be charged with murder whether you like it or not. There’s not going to be anymore funny business around here, not on my watch.”

Even though most states have now banned the sale of 5-Hour Energy, Texas is not one of them. With this recent tragedy though, Texas lawmakers say a bill is currently being drafted and should be in front of members of congress for a vote as soon as Thursday.

Dave Martin, Principle at Jonestown High School in Austin, said the school will be closed Monday and grief counselors will be available to students and families.

NOTE FROM SUPER OFFICIAL NEWS: The purpose of this story was to make light of that cannibalistic episode in Miami where idiot cops called bath salts the “new LSD”. Their purpose was to cause fear in the country… and guess what? They did. And guess what else? The guy who ate that homeless man’s face off wasn’t on bath salts, they only found marijuana in his system. Also, I had just performed stand-up comedy with a joke about 5-Hour Energy a few days before this. Plus the 5HE drug trip I describe in the story is actually about DMT (check that out). So that’s where this story derives from. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the 13 kids that have lost their lives to this energy drink.