Governor Jan Brewer Pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin For Masturbating In Public

Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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Joe Arpaio Implements New Inmate Pharmacy Work Program Filling Prescription Drugs For AZ Residents

Joe Arpaio explaining the new inmate Pharmacy work program that begins September 1st.

Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio seen here explaining the new inmate pharmacy work program to reporters.

Phoenix, AZ — Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference today to announce a new controversial inmate work program that will take effect September 1st. The program allows inmates to fill prescription drugs for Arizona residents and in return will receive lesser prison sentences.

Arpaio told CNN about the benefits of the new program. “This is a genuine, progressive advance in corrections and rehabilitation. Our inmates, properly supervised, will be put to work outside these walls performing all manner of public service. These men and women can learn the value of an honest day’s labor while providing a valuable service to the community — and at a bare minimum of expense to Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Taxpayer!”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer applauded Arpaio’s new program. “Inmates working in supervised jail pharmacies and filling these prescriptions is a great idea,” Brewer said. “This pharmacy work program will save the residents of Arizona millions of dollars a year. More importantly it will provide the inmates a feeling of self-worth along with providing them a great set of job skills when they are released.”

The inmate pharmacies will be located about a mile north of Arpaio’s current Tent City Jail at 2939 W. Durango Street in Phoenix. The prescriptions that the inmates will be filling for Arizona residents include everything from drugs such as Xanax to Oxycontin. Arpaio told reporters that for every ten hours a prisoner works in the pharmacy program they will receive one less day on their prison sentence. He also explained that no violent offenders or criminals with current drug charges will have the ability to work in these new inmate pharmacies. For more information you can contact the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office directly at (602) 876-1801.‎

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Governor Jan Brewer Threatens Lawsuit Against Hoax Author Who Claimed She Supports Mandatory Gay Conversion Classes For Children

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is threatening a lawsuit against the culprit behind the hoax yesterday which had the internet up in arms.

Phoenix, AZ — Governor Jan Brewer’s spokesman Andrew Wilder held a press conference this morning with reporters announcing news of a possible lawsuit against Phoenix, Arizona resident 34-year-old Paul Horner. Horner was the culprit behind yesterday’s hoax which had the internet up in arms. The satirical article stated that Brewer signed off on a bill implementing a mandatory school program designed for all Arizona children grades K-12 requiring all homosexual males and females to become straight.

Brewer’s office did not see the humor in such a stunt, and denounced the suggestion that the governor would target young people with such a discriminatory program: “It’s a completely phony and vile report, and its authors should be ashamed,” Wilder told the Arizona Republic yesterday.

“This lawsuit is real and is nothing to be taken lightly,” Wilder told CNN. “If the author of the article in question wants to avoid legal action, we are asking him to immediately remove the story from National Report and cease and desist any further foolishness of this nature against the governor.” Wilder continued, “Governor Brewer also expects a full and sincere apology, no less than 1,000 words long. This is to help compensate the harm and mayhem his ridiculous article caused the great state of Arizona and to the Governor’s Office. Mr. Horner can either post a public apology on his Super Official News website, National Report, his Facebook page located at facebook.com/paulissuperawesome or contact the governor directly at janjanbrewbrew1944@aol.com.”

These are tweets recently posted by the three parties involved in response to the fake article posted by Mr. Horner yesterday

Governor Jan Brewer tweet about Paul Horner and hoax article

People Can Change tweet about hoax article and Paul Horner

Joe Arpaio tweet about Paul Horner and hoax article about Jan Brewer

Related: Video denouncing fake story about gay student conversion program in Arizona which aired last night on Fox News, watch here.

To read Horner’s satirical article that is making such waves in the Governor’s Office and around the web, you can view it here.

Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Used In All Arizona Public School Curriculums Beginning November 1st

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Governor Jan Brewer from Arizona held a press conference today to speak about her new gay-to-straight conversion program which will be implemented in all Arizona public schools beginning November 1st.

Phoenix, AZ — Beginning November 1st of this year, the state of Arizona is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and women become straight. The controversial conversion therapy will be used in all of Arizona’s 2,325 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Arizona. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change’ has been helping thousands of children resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ program told CNN she is excited about the program. “I think this will be an amazing opportunity for gay children to finally learn who they truly are for once in their lives,” Brewer said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? What we have done here today is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”


Sheriff Joe Arpaio who runs some of the toughest jails and prisons in the country applauds Brewer’s decision. “Less gays in our jails makes for a smoother running prison system. There will be no more prancing around, along with all the other gay activities that homosexuals like to do,” Arpaio said. “More importantly, we as parents can now sleep a little better at night just knowing there will be less gays out there wandering the streets trying to molest our children. I’m excited about this and I know all Arizonans are too.”

Though not everyone from Arizona feels the same way as Brewer and Arpaio. 32-year-old Katherine Morris from Phoenix whose son Daniel is a 12-year-old homosexual said she does not agree with the program. “My son Daniel is one of the nicest boys in the world. He is the most wonderful and loving child you could ever meet in your life. There’s not a problem with him, there is a problem with this conversion therapy,” Morris said. “I urge all Arizonians to fight back before this curriculum takes effect in November. Call your congressman. Call your senator. We still have time to fix this wrong. Tell them we do not want ‘People Can Change’ in our schools! It’s not only a waste of tax payer money but it is fixing something that is not broken.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia and has hundreds of gay-to-straight camps and therapy conversion facilities all around the country. They have been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 434-985-8551 or by email at lynn@peoplecanchange.com.

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