Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President

Mitt Romney drops out of presidential raceWashington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away.

Mitt Romney spoke to reporters and explained his actions. “After careful consideration I realize I have absolutely no chance of winning the presidency on Tuesday. By endorsing Obama now, I can walk away from this without completely embarrassing everyone further than I already have. That includes my family, the Mormon Religion, my supporters, the Republican Party and of course myself.” Romney continued, “Just remember, I’m the best the Republican party could come up with this election year.”

Campaign manager Paul Horner does not agree with Romney’s decision and would like to see an alternative to his actions. “I think it’s ridiculous he’s dropping out of the race just days before the election,” Horner said. “I still don’t even know what his stance on anything is, and I’m his campaign manager. I guess this will just be something to put on the ol’ resume after this is all over.” Horner continued, “I think everyone that was going to vote for him would have been on the wrong side of history, but that’s what makes history so fun and exciting!”

“America, it’s not you, it’s me,” Romney said. “I would also like to formally apologize to Big Bird and anyone else I offended during my campaign of gaffes, lies and confusion. My magic underwear can only do so many miracles.”

Republicans that promised to move to Canada if Obama won are already starting to make the journey. “Well, our family is moving to Canada tomorrow.” Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “I don’t care if it’s a socialist country and the gays run things up there. At least the president there isn’t a Muslim negro from Kenya without a birth certificate.”

Hurricane Sandy made a statement to reporters explaining how sorry it was to have come during such an important time as the presidential elections. “My timing was just really bad and I truly apologize to the American people. I made Obama look like a hero and Romney like a zero,” Sandy said. “I think Romney is being the bigger man here and dropping out before losing the last tiny little shred of dignity he had left.” Hurricane Sandy continued, “I’m part of the 1% and Romney’s tax plan would have really helped me out a lot. Sorry guys.”

Romney said his plans for the future are to bankrupt more companies, put more people out of work, build a time machine to travel back in time to live in the 1950’s and become a god of his own universe when he dies.

Millions Feared Dead By Hurricane Sandy: Pussy Name For A Hurricane To Blame

Hurricane Sandy has such a pussy name for a hurricaneNew York, NY — Officials are now saying the death toll of Hurricane Sandy could be in the millions, this all due to the hurricane being given such a pussy name. “People didn’t think this hurricane was going to be that big of a deal,” Danielle Patch from the Red Cross said. “People were out there dancing in the rain with horse masks on playing grab ass, and now they’re all dead.”

New York City Police Chief Paul Horner said he’s extremely disappointed in the hurricane’s name and told reporters what he would have named it if it was up to him. “They needed to name it something more menacing like Hurricane Shaniqua or Hurricane Satan Hell Fire,” Horner said. “I wouldn’t mess with those bitches. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice to evacuate after hearing those names.”

32-year-old Mike Simmons who gave the Hurricane it’s name said he’s truly sorry. “I thought it was a good name at first,” Simmons told reporters. “I figured it would get quite ‘sandy’ during this hurricane, so it was kind of a play on words. Boy was I wrong.” Simmons continued, “I think I’m gay too. Yeah, mom and dad if you’re reading this, I’m coming out of the closet. I’m gay. I hope you can accept my sexuality and I hope the rest of the world can forgive me for naming the hurricane such a pussy name.”

It’s not clear if the hurricane’s name will be changed mid-hurricane but critics are doing all they can. “This pussy hurricane’s name needs to change now,” says Michael Anthony Claypool, a meteorologist for WPIX TV in New York. “The people that don’t have to deal with this hurricane are all laughing at us right now, and I don’t think it’s funny one bit. Plus with all the couples being forced to stay in doors because of this storm, in nine months do you know how many kids in New York with the lame name Sandy there are going to be? Lots. Not cool guy who named this hurricane, not cool at all.”

For more information about Hurricane Sandy or to vote on changing the name of the hurricane to something more frightening please contact the Hurricane Sandy Name Change Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325.