U.S. Company Hiring Mercenaries To Kill ISIS; Starting Pay $500K/yr

Horner G6S Mercenary Inc., seen here, taking out a base in March of this year known to house members of ISIS.

G6S Mercenary Inc. taking out a base in March of this year known to house members of ISIS. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Phoenix, AZ — An up-and-coming militant organization, Horner G6S Mercenary Incorporated, or simply known as G6S, which has known ties to the U.S. military, says it is now aggressively hiring the general public for the specific purpose of killing those affiliated with the Islamic State. The company is offering a mind-blowing starting pay of $500,000 dollars per year regardless of your history or previous background. Their only requirement, is you kill members of ISIS. Lots and lots of them.

G6S, owned and operated by 35-year-old Paul Horner of Phoenix, Arizona, spoke with MSNBC today and complained of President Barack Obama’s handling of the situation with ISIS.

“That Muslim president of ours is not doing enough to put an end to ISIS, and for obvious reasons, he’s Muslim. Well, that will all change with what we are accomplishing over there in the Islamic State. We’ll be glad to pick up the slack of Obama to protect this country like any real president should.”

Gwen Hawkins, who recently signed up with G6S back in May, told CNN that she is ready to die for her country.


“I’d honestly settle for being a human hostage bomb. Pop a bomb inside my stomach, point me in the proper direction toward getting captured, and then detonate once inside. It’d solve my problem of having a depressing and mundane life and would probably lead to an acceleration of earnings that I could only obtain via a life insurance policy, which I’m not eligible for given my medical history. That money would help my friends and family more than I ever could. Actually, I’ll have to talk to G65’s human resource department to see if they would be willing to pay me extra for something like this or at least ensure that my income would be distributed appropriately.”

Jason McKay, who signed up for G6S last month, and received his complimentary iPhone 6, told Fox News he will be injecting himself with the Ebola virus, purposely captured by the Islamic State and inflict as many casualties as possible.

“I will be injecting myself with Ebola and then apprehended by Isis so I can laugh as they get splattered in my toxic blood as the cut off my head. Also, I am a pilot who will attempt to spread the Ebola virus by air and also cover their skies with poisonous chemtrails.”

G6S operative Michael D. Adams told reporters he force feeds bacon to captured members of ISIS since the teachings of the Quran do not allow it.

“Threatening those scum with pork and bacon is a great way to gain important intelligence about their operations before we slaughter them.”

At a press conference in Phoenix on Monday, Horner was more than happy to explain purpose of his organization.


“What we are doing is good versus evil, plain and simple,” Horner told reporters. “We will be cruel to ISIS, and through our cruelty they will know who we are… And the the Islamic State will fear us. Horner continued, “ISIS ain’t got no humanity. They’re the foot soldiers of an Islamic-extremist-hating mass murdering maniac. And they need to be destroyed. And that’s why each and every son of a b*tch associated with this Islamic State, they’re going to die. We will be cruel to ISIS, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, disfigured bodies of their brothers that we leave behind us. ISIS won’t be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And they will be sickened by us. And they will talk about us. And they will fear us. When members of ISIS close their eyes at night and are tortured by their subconscious with the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with.”

Every day more and more individuals have been signing up for this almost certain death sentence. On a lighter note, early this month a Christian organization‘s mascot, Fappy The Anti-Mastubation Dolphin, made the journey with G6S to the Middle East. Fappy told reporters that when he is not fighting ISIS, he is traveling around the country speaking to elementary school children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

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Facebook Drug Task Force Will Begin Monitoring All Messages October 1st

Facebook Drug Task Force or the FDTF

Mark Zuckerberg speaking to reporters about the new Facebook Drug Task Force or FDTF which will begin monitoring all messages in October. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Menlo Park, CA — The Facebook Drug Task Force or FDTF, will begin monitoring all Facebook postings and messages of its users for drug activity beginning October 1st.

Chairman and chief executive of Facebook, Inc., Mark Zuckerberg, spoke with CNN about the FDTF. “The task force was created to keep users of Facebook safe,” Zucckerberg said. “The FDTF will be working directly with the Drug Enforcement Agency and local law enforcement agencies. We’re gonna put away the bad guys.” Zuckerberg continued, “Online crime has risen to all-time highs. As the world’s number one social networking site I feel it is our job to protect our users from such deadly things as drugs.”


Paul Horner, spokesman for the DEA, told reporters he is excited to see Facebook going forward with their decision to implement a drug task force. “I’m thrilled,” Horner said. “We’re going to get all the drug pushers and dope addicts off Facebook once and for all. The marijuana junkies think they can socialize on the line with their fellow druggies, well, not on my watch. We’re gonna read their messages, we’re gonna build cases against them, and we’re gonna put em’ all in prison. It’s going to be beautiful.”

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Arizona’s $588 Million Powerball Winner Comes Forward

Paul Horner from Arizona is the world record Powerball $588 million winner.Phoenix, AZ— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the two winners in last night’s Powerball drawing has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Fountain Hills, Arizona. He is one of the two winners in Wednesday’s record $588 million Powerball jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers and then also the Powerball.

Mr. Horner was ecstatic when he arrived at the Phoenix Lottery Office this morning says lottery official Debbie Arnette. “He had a smile from ear to ear. He was screaming at the top of his lungs that he had won, it was quite a sight to see,” Arnette says. “Then after we verified the winning ticket and finalized everything, we learned that Mr. Horner was homeless. He said the night before he had been sleeping on a park bench and was begging for change.” Arnette continued, “He told us that his wife had left him and took the kids to Wyoming after he lost his job at a meat packing factory in Phoenix last January. It made me tear up, what can I say, I’m a softy. This will truly be a rags to riches story.”

Horner talked to reporters telling them of his plans for his new found wealth and how he had picked the winning numbers. “First of all, I hope my wife will take me back and I can be with my kids again. That’s really all I want,” Horner said. “I’ve seen first hand how it is out there on the streets. I plan to give a lot of that money back to help others in need.” Horner continued, “As for how I picked the numbers, it was really easy. My youngest son Tim is five years old, my daughter Stephanie is 16, I married my wife when I was 22 and she was 23, and the 29th is the date when I planned to win all these millions,” Horner laughs for a moment, but that laughter quickly turns to tears. “And the number 6 is how many kids my wife and I had planned to have before she left me.”

“He came in smelling of malt liquor and a strong odor of what I believe to be marijuana,” says 41-year-old Monica Lanter who was at the Phoenix Lottery Office when Horner arrived with the winning ticket. “I heard one of the employees ask Mr. Horner if he was going to have a $500 million crack party, just like that one episode from the Chappelle Show. I didn’t think that was very nice or funny whatsoever.”

The winning numbers in last night’s drawing were 5-16-22-23-29 with a Powerball of 6. A total of two winning tickets were sold in the November 28th Powerball drawing. The other winning ticket, besides the one Mr. Horner purchased in Arizona, is from the state of Missouri. The winners from Missouri came forward earlier today. The odds of winning last night’s Powerball drawing were 1 in 175,223,510.00. The Phoenix Lottery Office is located at 4740 E. University Dr., Phoenix, AZ 85034 and is open Monday – Friday, except holidays, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.