VATICAN CITY — It seems in this day and age, Las Vegas will take bets on just about anything; including how many altar boys the new Pope has molested in the past.
Just hours after the white smoke cleared from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope Jorge Mario Bergoglio (pronounced Ber-GOAL-io) was announced, Catholics were already up in arms as Vegas oddsmakers officially set the over/under number of molested altar boys at five. An over/under bet is a wager in which a sportsbook will predict a number for a statistic and bettors wager that the actual number will either be higher or lower than that number. The statistic being wagered on in this case is the number of altar boys oddsmakers believe will be reported by the media in the next 365 days as having previously been molested by the new Pope. Vegas oddsmakers say all wagers have to be placed within two weeks from today to lock in your bet. They say there will be no more bets taken after that.
Vegas oddsmaker Paul Horner explained why the number was set at five. “Five is a good roundabout number. It’s not too many molestations, but not too few,” Horner said. “Comparing the history of other priests and past popes this number sounds just about right.” Horner continued, “I’m predicting the Catholic religion will be dead anyway within 100 years. The only people that care about it now are old people and brainwashed children. It’s only a matter of time before the old people die, and the brainwashed kids actually read the bible. But until that happens, Vegas can reap the benefits of all this nonsense.”
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin who was in Las Vegas visiting various schools in the area educating children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation was asked by reporters what he thought about the over/under wager. “I’m not so much concerned about the number of children the new Pope has molested in the past, but rather if he himself has ever masturbated before or not.” Fappy® continued, “It’s one thing to molest an altar boy and ask for forgiveness. But by raping yourself, there is no available forgiveness and you are guaranteed an eternity of hell in the afterlife.”
Michael Ian Black told reporters his whole family had gotten together at his home today and was celebrating the selection of the new Pope. “With all this excitement about electing the new Pope, I almost totally forgot there is no god.”
You can place your molested altar boy over/under wagers with any online sportsbook or at a casino accepting bets of this kind.