Vegas Betting On How Many Altar Boys New Pope Has Molested

Picture of the new Pope

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected as the new Pope today as Vegas oddsmakers are already trying to capitalize on this.

VATICAN CITY — It seems in this day and age, Las Vegas will take bets on just about anything; including how many altar boys the new Pope has molested in the past.

Just hours after the white smoke cleared from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel and the new Pope Jorge Mario Bergoglio (pronounced Ber-GOAL-io) was announced, Catholics were already up in arms as Vegas oddsmakers officially set the over/under number of molested altar boys at five. An over/under bet is a wager in which a sportsbook will predict a number for a statistic and bettors wager that the actual number will either be higher or lower than that number. The statistic being wagered on in this case is the number of altar boys oddsmakers believe will be reported by the media in the next 365 days as having previously been molested by the new Pope. Vegas oddsmakers say all wagers have to be placed within two weeks from today to lock in your bet. They say there will be no more bets taken after that.

Vegas oddsmaker Paul Horner explained why the number was set at five. “Five is a good roundabout number. It’s not too many molestations, but not too few,” Horner said. “Comparing the history of other priests and past popes this number sounds just about right.” Horner continued, “I’m predicting the Catholic religion will be dead anyway within 100 years. The only people that care about it now are old people and brainwashed children. It’s only a matter of time before the old people die, and the brainwashed kids actually read the bible. But until that happens, Vegas can reap the benefits of all this nonsense.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin who was in Las Vegas visiting various schools in the area educating children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation was asked by reporters what he thought about the over/under wager. “I’m not so much concerned about the number of children the new Pope has molested in the past, but rather if he himself has ever masturbated before or not.” Fappy® continued, “It’s one thing to molest an altar boy and ask for forgiveness. But by raping yourself, there is no available forgiveness and you are guaranteed an eternity of hell in the afterlife.”

Michael Ian Black told reporters his whole family had gotten together at his home today and was celebrating the selection of the new Pope. “With all this excitement about electing the new Pope, I almost totally forgot there is no god.”

You can place your molested altar boy over/under wagers with any online sportsbook or at a casino accepting bets of this kind.

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New Law Allows Pregnant Women To Use Carpool Lane In Louisiana

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant woman.Dequincy, LA — The Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant women that take effect beginning December 1st, 2012. Pregnant women, driving alone, now legally count as two people and will have full access to all carpool and HOV lanes.

Jindal explained the groundbreaking new law to reporters. “Women that are pregnant will now legally be able to drive in any carpool or HOV lane in Louisiana,” Jindal said. “That fetus in the woman is a human being so it counts as two people in the car. We encourage other states to follow our example.”

Louisiana has the strictest rules in the country against abortion, according to NARAL. Ninety-two percent of Louisiana counties currently don’t have an abortion provider. State health officials are allowed to suspend the license of outpatient abortion facilities for as little as one violation. Louisiana law subjects women seeking abortion services to biased-counseling requirements and mandatory delays.

Long time resident Brandon Adams from Dequincy told reporters that he doesn’t agree with the new law. “I always drive in the carpool lane if I’m alone or with a buddy,” Adams said. “It’s a lot tougher to drive in the normal lanes when you’ve been drinking and now I’m going to have to deal with all these preggos that shouldn’t even be driving in the first place.” Adams continued, “Why do they let women drive anyway? They can’t make sandwiches very easily while driving.”

Paul Horner who is pro-life and a political adviser for Jindal says he fully agrees with the new law. “Pregnant women caught driving outside of the HOV or carpool lane will be subjected to a $500 fine. Women that go against our loving god’s wishes and decide to abort their human passenger living inside of them will face much more severe consequences.” Horner continued, “At the state level, they will have their driver’s license suspended for one full year. At the ‘defying-god-soulless level’, they will bathe in a pit of hell fire for eternity.”

  • For more information please contact the 24 Hour Louisiana HOV Pregnant Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The Afterlife

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/3/2012 6:30:57 PM PDT

Mitt Romney Mad About His Universe Selection As God In The AfterlifeProvo, UT — Today the lottery drawing of all lottery drawings was held in Provo, Utah. The Mormon council of elders handed down Mitt Romney’s fate for eternity, and he was not pleased.

Romney’s anger centered around a little-known fact about the Mormon religion that is unbeknownst to most people. The Mormons believe that when a man dies he becomes a god of his own universe. The man is then accompanied by a dozen or more woman who remain eternally pregnant. Romney, a lifetime Mormon and one of the religion’s biggest financial contributors, says he is extremely displeased with the results of today’s lottery. “This is ridiculous,” Romney said at a press conference this afternoon. “They gave me some crap universe with no life in it whatsoever. It’s made up of mostly gaseous planets, I mean there’s nothing there. It’s going to be billions of boring years before anything actually good happens. Yeah and don’t even get me started about the eternally pregnant wives I’ll be bringing with me. If any one of those girls gets down below three hundred pounds by the time this actually happens I’ll be extremely surprised.”

58 year old Susan Litchey, who is a big Mitt Romney supporter, said she’s happy for him getting his own universe in the afterlife. “As a longtime Christian, Mitt’s religion and my own are actually very similar. So what if he’s going to be god of his own universe when he dies, I think that’s really neat,” Litchey said. “These people that don’t agree with him are just jealous because they probably want to be god of their own universe too. Personally I hope I get selected as one of his eternally pregnant wives.”

“This is what the Mormons actually believe,” says Paul Horner who is an ex-member of the Mormon religion. “I was a Mormon for 30 years. It’s a religion created by a guy named Joseph Smith who was a liar and a cheat. He started the religion for money and woman, that’s all,” Horner explains. “They roped me in with the idea that it’s just like Christianity. They don’t tell you all these weird secrets until years later. My whole life became about them so when I finally decided to leave, I had no one left to fall back on. It was really tough.” Horner continues, “I can’t believe Romney’s religion hasn’t become more of an issue in these elections. Christians that are voting for this guy because they think his beliefs are on par with their own are extremely mistaken. Or they just don’t want to vote for a black guy as president, which if I had to guess, is 90% of what’s actually behind all of Romney’s popularity.”

“The women they selected as my eternally pregnant wives are big girls and definitely not very appealing to the eyes. I’m seriously doubting my faith today,” Romney said. “I’ve actually been thinking about joining the Muslim religion, but the idea of 72 virgins when I die…jeez, that just sounds like a lot of work to me. Maybe I’ll just take one of my lift trucks and run the forklift forks through $150,000 worth of vodka.” Romney continued, “I guess I’ll just join Scientology. Xenu the Galactic Overlord and Tom Cruise can’t be any worse than my doomed fate.”