Drugs In Colorado: New Deadly Strain Of Marijuana Turning Users Gay

gay marijuana

Federal agents display a recent seizure made at a Denver dispensary.

Denver, CO — Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users turning gay.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Dr. Paul Horner of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug users in Colorado are injecting a strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain. The drug effects the receptors that controls your like or dislike of the opposite sex.”

James L. Capra, the chief of operations at the DEA, told CNN that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since the legalization of the drug. “I have to say this…going down the path to legalization in this country is reckless and irresponsible,” he said. “I’m talking about the long term impact of legalization in the United States. It scares us. And now that kids are turning gay from the drug, how much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going?”


John Winger from Denver told reporters about his experience using the drug. “Right after I injected the pot I knew something was wrong,” Winger said. “My male friend, who I don’t even really like, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, seriously. I wish I would have never done drugs.”

This weekend federal agents raided Rite Greens Pot Shop in Denver and found 13 pounds of the drug.

“We don’t have a name yet for this new strain of gay marijuana,” Capra said. “I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for addicts, the sharing of pot needles and gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”

The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

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Inspired By Jason Collins, Entire WNBA Comes Out Of The Closet

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie speaking to reporters about how rad lesbians are.

The Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) held a press conference today to announce that the entire WNBA has come out of the closet.  This comes on the heals of the courage shown by Jason Collins, who on Monday became the first openly gay male athlete in a major American team sport.

WNBA president Laurel J. Richie told reporters it took a lot of fortitude for Collins to tell the world he was gay and the WNBA is not afraid to stand there with him. “I know what most people are thinking, ‘Oh but how can a woman that plays basketball for a living be a lesbian?’ Well, it’s the truth,” Richie said. “In fact, I’ve been wanting to say this for a while now and thanks to Jason Collins I finally can; I’m officially coming out of the closet. I’m a proud lesbian!”

Sylvia Fowles of the Chicago Sky said she is excited about the future of the WNBA. “We’ve been lesbians for a long time now, but were always too scared to come out,” Fowles said. “We didn’t want to blow this masquerade of beautiful women who love men. We thought it would lower ticket sales if all the men knew that every member of the WNBA only loves rug.” Fowles continued, “But thanks to Jason Collins I think those worries are now a thing of the past.”

Candace Parker of the Los Angeles Sparks is the only player that did not come out of the closet but said she is considering it. “I love men, but I have to support the team, so maybe I’ll be bisexual. That actually sounds pretty hot.”

Long-time WNBA fan Paul Horner said he is amazed to hear of the news. “I’m still in shock,” said Horner. “These are woman who play basketball for a living. I had no idea that they were lesbians too.” Horner continued, “Well as long as they don’t fornicate on the court too much I’ll still continue going to games.”

Manti Teʻo Inspires Thousands Of Gay Mormons To Come Forward & Admit That They Too Do Not Have A Real Girlfriend

Manti Teʻo and his fake girlfriend Lennay Kekua because he is gay

Manti Teʻo seen here after a win against USC in November of last year.

South Bend, IN — Inspired by College football star Manti Teʻo and his imaginary girlfriend named Lennay Kekua, thousands of other gay Mormons have come out of the closet saying that they do not have a real girlfriend either.

“In the Mormon religion, if you want to stay in good standings with the church, you can’t be gay,” says long-time Mormon Paul Horner. “So just like Manti Teʻo, I had to make up a girlfriend also. Mine was a beautiful girl that lived in Malaysia who owned a petting zoo and worked with blind kids.” Horner continued, “Oh, I would visit Malaysia at least four times a year, but it was always to see my boyfriend Dave. What Manti Teʻo did is an inspiration to all of us gay Mormons who have to stay in the closet for religious reasons. Thank you Manti Teʻo.”

34-year-old Paul Covington who is a Mormon that just came out of the closet this morning said he is proud of Teʻo and his family. “Te’o claims he would spend all night on the phone with Kekua while she was in the hospital. His family said they met and communicated with the girl too. That is love right there,” Convington said. “My family and I have always had an ongoing story that we have told the church how my girlfriend works overseas for Greenpeace. I couldn’t have stayed in the church without the loving support and understanding of my family so I understand exactly what Manti Teʻo is going through.”

One of Teʻo’s close friends Kyle Brock told reporters they need to leave him alone. “What male hasn’t had a fake girlfriend in their life,” says Brock. “When I was in 4th grade I had a made-up girlfriend name Stephanie Lancaster. I would tell all my friends about her. How big her breasts were, how much she loved me, how much we boned, ya know, all that kind of good stuff. I said she lived up north and no one could visit her, because her parents were real strict. I even had a picture of her that I cutout from a Victoria Secret magazine to show friends. It got me points with the guys and it made the girls jealous that I was bangin’ a hotty up north.” Brock continued, “Also why isn’t anyone focusing on the positive here? At least this means Manti Teʻo’s girlfriend didn’t die.”

Eric Burns who heads up the Mormon chapter in South Bend said he is uncertain if Teʻo will still be allowed to belong to the church. “We will be meeting this weekend to decide if Manti Teʻo can still remain a part of the church,” said Burns. “Gay guys, and their sexual activities, that’s just gross. What kind of example do we want to set for our children? One that allows big, strong, sweaty, gorgeous, strapping young men to penetrate each other over and over and over and over again? Not on my watch.”

Notre Dame says that Te’o never met Kekua, that their relationship was strictly online and by phone. Time will only tell if Teʻo is allowed to come out of the closet and still be accepted by Notre Dame and the Mormon Church.

Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet

North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT

Bev Perdue talking about making gay illegal in North CarolinaJacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay a felony. Voters approved the new law by a 61%-39% margin with all counties reporting, according to returns from the State Board of Elections.

“We can’t change the results of this vote, but we can determine what comes next,” said Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, director of Campaign for Southern Equality. “When kids across the state wake up, I want them to know that this story isn’t over. We will repeal this new law.”

At a press conference this morning Paul Horner, founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’, said the state has already begun shipping some offenders of the new law out by train. “If police catch you being gay, you will be rounded up, put on a train and sent to a camp where authorities will then deal with you accordingly.” Horner explains, “I have nothing against gay people. Trust me, this is what our loving god would want.”

Reporters asked Horner if these gay camps were similar to the camps once used by the Nazis. “No of course not, why would you say that? We’re just moving them all out to their own place so they can romp and play and do whatever it is that gay people do,” Horner said. “I don’t have a problem with gay people. You can be gay, just not in North Carolina, gross.”

Police are going door to door this morning looking for any signs of gay activity. “Whether it be a cocked wrist, a lisp or even a Cold Play album, we will find you,” said Jacksonville Police Chief Mike Davis. “If we see you being fruity in anyway you will be arrested. We’re just trying to keep our children safe.”

“You can marry your cousin in North Carolina. You can legally have sex with animals in North Carolina. Seriously, bestiality is a-OK. A cop could catch you humping a horse and instead of arresting you, he would probably want to join in. But two people in love are not allowed to be together because of the hate and ignorance of idiots, which according to the voting on this new law, make up 61% of North Carolina,” said Tom Watkins, 41, of Greensboro. “I’m moving to a different state.”

Penalties in North Carolina are strict says opponents of the new law. A first time offense for being gay carries a mandatory 30 days in jail. Repeat offenders, such as those getting caught being gay a second or third time will see a much stricter sentence.

To report any gay activity in your area, please contact the North Carolina Gay-Be-Gone tip line. There are various cash rewards depending on the information provided and as always, you can remain anonymous.

Phone: (785) 273-0325

Obama Says More Gay Comments, This Time About Nickelback

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/14/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Obama gay marriage commentsWashington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment about gay marriage was literally a gay comment, these new comments about Nickelback are just gay.

“I think Nickelback is pretty good,” Obama told reporters at Sunday’s press conference. “I think they have a lot of talent and I believe most folks don’t care for them just because it’s the popular thing to do.”

Reporters were quick to argue with the president and his gay comment. Paul Horner from The New York Times said, “Mr. President, I beg of you not to share these gay opinions of yours with the American people. Nickelback perpetuates the sadness of honoring mediocre and un-original, non-creative music. They have blast beats, growled vocals and every one of their songs sound exactly the same. The longer Nickelback is allowed to play venues, the longer our country will continue to suffer.”

The gay comments by Obama didn’t end there. “My favorite song by Nickelback is probably Rockstar,” Obama said. “It’s got a catchy beat and an excellent music video that accompanies it. Plus I think it brings out the true rockstar in us all. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it.”

The scene at the press conference turned from bad to worse when riots broke out after the president revealed that he was wearing a Nickelback shirt underneath his suit. Leading the group of rioters is Stephen Andrews, journalist for The Washington Herald. “Our demands are simple,” said Andrews. “It’s imperative that Obama withdrawal his gay comments about Nickelback and burn that t-shirt immediately. Our country already has enough problems right now, we don’t need a president who likes Nickelback too.”

Before ending the press conference Obama did one last gay thing and announced the touring dates and locations for upcoming Nickelback concerts. Obama then instructed his staff to put out the fires in the room that were set by reporters. Five people were arrested and the death toll now stands at eleven.

Televangelist Pat Robertson Tells His Congregation That He’s Gay

THE ASS PRESS
POSTED: 04/24/2012 6:00:47 PM PDT

Funny news: Pat Robertson coming out of the closetVirginia Beach, VA. — In a shocking move, 82 year old televangelist Pat Robertson announced to his followers that he is in fact gay. “I hesitated coming out for a while. I thought god would strike me down if I did. Then when I finally announced the news, nothing happened. God must still love me. I encourage all of the other confused souls out there to come out with me and be your true selves. God will still love you, I promise.”

52-year-old Paul Horner who is a member of the choir group for Robertson’s congregation said, “We always knew he was gay. He would take these long vacations and cruises with his ‘friend’ Manual. Also at work instead of the normal ‘casual Friday’, he would call it ‘fabulous Friday’. Plus no one can spew that much hate towards gay people without actually being gay themselves.”

Robertson told reporters, “I know I’ve said a lot of hurtful, mean and evil things to the gay community in the past and for that I’m truly sorry. My hatred of gays was just me being mad at myself.” Robertson continued, “I didn’t know if I was actually gay for a long time. I was afraid to be who I really was. Then I started having feelings for the young Brazilian boy that I had been sleeping with and that’s when I knew.”

“Growing up I always knew he was gay,” Robertson’s youngest daughter Laura Robertson said. “He always had his ‘friend’ Glenn over and they were always hanging out in the guest house. They would stay out there for days, we would never see them. My dad would tell me they were just writing new sermons or something, but I knew. We all knew.”

“I always knew he was gay,” Pat Robertson’s wife of 48 years Sheila Robertson said. “During sex he would sometimes have me dress up as a construction worker and talk in a deep voice. It was really weird, but hey, the congregation made Pat and I a lot of money. It bought us a lot of nice things, so I just kind of went with it and didn’t ask any questions.”

“My wife and I always knew he was gay,” Ben Jenkins who was a neighbor of Pat Robertson for twenty years said. “We would always see young men coming and going from his house at weird hours of the night. Also one time he asked me if I was into men and when I said no he grabbed my hand and tried putting it on his private area. He then pulled down his pants and showed me a tattoo on his left butt cheek with my name right below an image of Jesus. Plus I get a dozen roses from him every Valentine’s Day, so yeah.”

During Robertson’s coming out sermon this weekend he laid out an action plan of new changes for his congregation:

  • Gay toy drives
  • More ‘fabulous’ decorations for the church
  • Food drives for the gay homeless
  • ‘Gay Marriage Wednesday’, as Pat calls it. He says he’ll be overseeing weddings for gay men and woman in the area free of charge
  • Instead of the red wine that is typically used at his sermons, Pat says now they’ll be using Chardonnay
  • Changing the word ‘congregation’ to ‘congregaytion’

 

Robertson was asked what he’s going to do now after coming out of the closet, “I’m excited for the future,” he said. “First of all I’m shutting down my gay-to-straight conversion summer camps. I’m closing them and re-opening them as places that encourage one’s true sexuality. I’m renaming one of my biggest camps from ‘Camp Old Testament’ and changing it to ‘Camp Come-Out’.” Robertson finished his sermon by saying, “I can’t wait to get with more dudes, Amen.”