First Gay Marriage To Be Held At The White House

Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood


President Obama, seen here with his brother, Malik Obama from Kenya, is just one member of the Muslim Brotherhood who plans to attend the gay wedding between Michael Sam and Vito Cammisano to be held at the White House. (AP Photo/Michael Kortas)

Washington, DC — In what is being dubbed as the “Wedding Of The Century”, openly-gay football star of the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam and his long-time boyfriend, Vito Cammisano, are to be married at the White House, with President Barack Obama overseeing the Muslim themed event.

At a press conference on Saturday, Obama spoke with reporters about the gay wedding to be held at the White House.

“These are amazing times my friends. I am proud to be part of an era where two grown men can fall in love, and have it accepted by the majority of the American citizens. What better place to join these two men in holy matrimony than the White House,” Obama said. “I am thrilled to be a part of this historic event.”

President Obama has long been a staunch supporter of gay rights, even signing the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act in 2009.


Muhammad El-Sayed, who is a member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Freedom and Justice Party told CNN that he is pleased with Obama and his actions. “I spoke with President Obama by telephone yesterday after his announcement and personally thanked him for what he is doing. Not just for the Muslim community, but for all non-Christians living in this country”, El-Sayed said. “We need to make this Muslim-themed wedding absolutely amazing, even if it is between two men. Praise Allah.”

Others were not so supportive of the gay wedding to be held at the White House. Michele Bachmann told Fox News, “This is everything that is wrong with America. Our country was founded as a Christian nation, and that’s a fact! The Holy Bible tells us that marriage is between a man and a woman. These people are making a mockery of this sacred, heterosexual union. What’s next, a toaster and a man getting married? A dog and a woman getting married? Giving homosexuals the right to marry is a slippery slope, and Obama should be ashamed of himself. What kind of message does this send to the young people of today?”

Tax payers are also a bit miffed at the wedding expenses, which are expected to be in the millions. All the guests will be put up at local Washington DC five star hotel, The Jefferson and flown in by private jet.


Members of the guest list include, Ellen Degeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, George Clooney, Malik Obama, Paul Horner and leaders from both the Muslim Brotherhood, and LGBTQ groups. Entertainment will be a healthy mix of pop, and traditional Muslim tunes from such acts as Kanye West, Yusuf Islam, Seven 8 Six and Beyonce Knowles.

Obama will serve as the “Maulavi“, which is the Islamic version of an ordained minister. The Commander And Chief will also perform the entire ceremony, called a “Nikaah“, in his native Islamic tongue, and he and his wife, Michelle Obama, will be robed in traditional Muslim clothing.

Sam’s fiance, Vito Cammisano, 23-year-old grandson of late Mafia boss William (Willie the Rat) Cammisano — who reportedly got his name for the way he disposed of bodies — and the son of Gerlarmo Cammisano, 60, who followed in the family’s business and ended up doing prison time for running a Kansas City-based gambling ring, according to records. Vito converted to Islam two years ago, and has since gone onto disassociate himself from his family and their alleged mob-ties.

Sam, who came out during interviews with ESPN and The New York Times in February was selected by the Rams as the 249th overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.



I Don’t Know About You, But Times Are Changing, And I Don’t Like It One Bit, Not One Darn Bit I Tell Ya!

So the queers now have the same rights as us straight people when it comes to marriage?

What’s next, women will be allowed to vote? The Negros will have the same rights as us good, decent, hardworking white folks? I don’t know about you, but times are changing, and this reporter doesn’t like it one bit, not one darn bit I tell ya! I don’t even care if it says anything in the Bible about gay people not being allowed to get married, it’s just icky. It’s immoral and wrong!

We are a Christian nation and can make up the rules as we go along! It’s our religious freedom and we demand it! The Government needs to stop making laws based on fact and votes and other such hogwash and needs to start making their laws based on a 2,000 year old book that everyone should be forced to believe in. That is the root of the problem right there; everyone is not forced to believe what we believe. This country is going straight to Hell in a handbasket!

This is truly a sad day for all the real Americans out there and I’m mad as heck!

Mars Rover Comes Out Of The Closet

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/06/2012 12:00:14 PM PDT

The Mars rover is gay - comes out of the closetPasadena, CA — NASA scientists have confirmed that the Mars rover Curiosity has come out of the closet after safely landing on the Red Planet this morning. Engineers are saying that it hasn’t been roving around like it’s supposed to, but instead has been skipping from destination to destination. NASA is also informing reporters that the rover changed it’s own name from ‘Curiosity’ to ‘Bi-Curiosity’ and is currently sending back the photos it’s collecting to Earth using Instagram.

Paul Horner who is NASA’s lead scientist on the project said that everyone at NASA knew the rover was gay. “Going into this project, we all knew the rover was attracted to robots of it’s own gender. The rover was doing things a straight rover just wouldn’t do. We also caught it numerous times sexting with WALL-E.” Horner continued, “I think Mars is a good place for a rover to safely come out of the closet. It’s a far enough distance from Republicans, Christians and any Chick-fil-A restaurants.”

Dale Simmons is a television executive at FOX News who says the station is refusing to broadcast information about the Mars landing until NASA replaces the gay rover with a straight rover. “This is one of the most important pieces of news this year, besides Obama’s missing birth certificate of course, and some fruity little rover is up there in charge of everything. I don’t know about you, but as an American, I don’t like it one darn bit.”

Horner says the Mars rover Bi-Curiosity will continue with it’s current mission of collecting data about the region, but has added ‘looking for signs of gay life’ to it’s list of things to do. “We believe any previous gay life on Mars could have listened to music the equivalent of a band like Cold Play or Nickelback. So the rover is currently looking for album cover remains and things of that nature.”

NASA’s chief engineer, Victor Shueman, said he is extremely pleased with the photos that the rover is transmitting back to Earth. “The first pictures that the rover sent back were just your basic black and white photos. But since the rover came out of the closet this morning, these recent ones are actually quite amazing. They are in full color. Some have images of smiley faces and unicorns on them too. The rover has also been sending us photos of it’s ‘fabulous’ tan that it has acquired since landing on the Red Planet.”

The Bi-Curiosity rover is informing NASA it will stay on the planet collecting data and taking pictures as long as the mission takes and also until Mars allows gay marriage.

>>> Mars rover finds first signs of life on the Red Planet

Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

North Carolina: First State Making It Illegal To Be Gay

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/28/2012 6:00:52 AM PDT

Bev Perdue talking about making gay illegal in North CarolinaJacksonville NC. — More controversial news is coming out of North Carolina, this time it’s a law making it an actual crime to be gay. The previous weeks saw the state approve an amendment banning gay marriage and now with this new law it makes being gay a felony. Voters approved the new law by a 61%-39% margin with all counties reporting, according to returns from the State Board of Elections.

“We can’t change the results of this vote, but we can determine what comes next,” said Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, director of Campaign for Southern Equality. “When kids across the state wake up, I want them to know that this story isn’t over. We will repeal this new law.”

At a press conference this morning Paul Horner, founder of the Christian group ‘God Protects Marriage’, said the state has already begun shipping some offenders of the new law out by train. “If police catch you being gay, you will be rounded up, put on a train and sent to a camp where authorities will then deal with you accordingly.” Horner explains, “I have nothing against gay people. Trust me, this is what our loving god would want.”

Reporters asked Horner if these gay camps were similar to the camps once used by the Nazis. “No of course not, why would you say that? We’re just moving them all out to their own place so they can romp and play and do whatever it is that gay people do,” Horner said. “I don’t have a problem with gay people. You can be gay, just not in North Carolina, gross.”

Police are going door to door this morning looking for any signs of gay activity. “Whether it be a cocked wrist, a lisp or even a Cold Play album, we will find you,” said Jacksonville Police Chief Mike Davis. “If we see you being fruity in anyway you will be arrested. We’re just trying to keep our children safe.”

“You can marry your cousin in North Carolina. You can legally have sex with animals in North Carolina. Seriously, bestiality is a-OK. A cop could catch you humping a horse and instead of arresting you, he would probably want to join in. But two people in love are not allowed to be together because of the hate and ignorance of idiots, which according to the voting on this new law, make up 61% of North Carolina,” said Tom Watkins, 41, of Greensboro. “I’m moving to a different state.”

Penalties in North Carolina are strict says opponents of the new law. A first time offense for being gay carries a mandatory 30 days in jail. Repeat offenders, such as those getting caught being gay a second or third time will see a much stricter sentence.

To report any gay activity in your area, please contact the North Carolina Gay-Be-Gone tip line. There are various cash rewards depending on the information provided and as always, you can remain anonymous.

Phone: (785) 273-0325

Obama Says More Gay Comments, This Time About Nickelback

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/14/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Obama gay marriage commentsWashington, D.C. — President Obama made headlines again when he shocked reporters by stating that he enjoys listening to the band Nickelback. These gay comments of his come just days after he announced in an interview with ABC News that he supports gay marriage. While his comment about gay marriage was literally a gay comment, these new comments about Nickelback are just gay.

“I think Nickelback is pretty good,” Obama told reporters at Sunday’s press conference. “I think they have a lot of talent and I believe most folks don’t care for them just because it’s the popular thing to do.”

Reporters were quick to argue with the president and his gay comment. Paul Horner from The New York Times said, “Mr. President, I beg of you not to share these gay opinions of yours with the American people. Nickelback perpetuates the sadness of honoring mediocre and un-original, non-creative music. They have blast beats, growled vocals and every one of their songs sound exactly the same. The longer Nickelback is allowed to play venues, the longer our country will continue to suffer.”

The gay comments by Obama didn’t end there. “My favorite song by Nickelback is probably Rockstar,” Obama said. “It’s got a catchy beat and an excellent music video that accompanies it. Plus I think it brings out the true rockstar in us all. If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it.”

The scene at the press conference turned from bad to worse when riots broke out after the president revealed that he was wearing a Nickelback shirt underneath his suit. Leading the group of rioters is Stephen Andrews, journalist for The Washington Herald. “Our demands are simple,” said Andrews. “It’s imperative that Obama withdrawal his gay comments about Nickelback and burn that t-shirt immediately. Our country already has enough problems right now, we don’t need a president who likes Nickelback too.”

Before ending the press conference Obama did one last gay thing and announced the touring dates and locations for upcoming Nickelback concerts. Obama then instructed his staff to put out the fires in the room that were set by reporters. Five people were arrested and the death toll now stands at eleven.