City in Louisiana Offering K-12 Education In Only 6 Months

14-year-old Jamal Williams in front of the Super School with his diploma he received in 6 months.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking a new approach to education that has created quite the controversy and already has other cities considering doing the same.

In the past year the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana has torn down it’s elementary school, it’s middle school and turned their entire high school into what they are calling a Super School.

Paul Horner who is the superintendent of DeQuincy spoke to reporters and explained how their revolutionary new education system works. “It’s actually quite amazing. We have taken all the basics that are taught throughout a 12-year education and have compacted them down to a 6 month program,” Horner said. “In the real world, who actually uses Algebra or needs to know the political views of ancient Egypt?” Horner continued, “If the child does want to learn that kind of information, they can look it up on the internet which will all be covered in our 3 week computer science class.”

Maynard Jenkins who is the mayor of DeQuincy agrees with the new Super School. “I didn’t get any learnings when I was in school. I got all my learning from the streets and now look where I am today, I’m a gosh darn mayor,” Jenkins said. “With this Super School there will be no more 5th grade bullies or the social awkwardness of puberty, it will be just straight learning the basics.” Jenkins continued, “This whole 12 years of unnecessary education will give kids more time to be kids, get jobs and learn the tough reality of life.”

Prinicipal Shilda Vafaei talked to reporters about the new DeQuincy Super School. “When a child turns the ripe age of 14-years-old he or she will be taken, by force if necessary, to the brand new Super School. While there, they will eat, sleep, and learn,” Vafaei said. “The children will learn the absolute basics from such subjects as Math, Science, Social Studies, English and History.” Vafaei continued, “We know the child is ready to graduate when they can give correct change from a cash register, play Candy Crush Saga on Facebook and understand the concept of green means go and red means stop.”

According Joyce Barth who is a teacher at the Super School told reporters they also offer a one week sex education class that is mandatory. “Our goal is to teach children about living a masturbation-free lifestyle and not having sex until marriage,” Barth said. “Also,  marriage with anyone you are related to is a big no-no. We have a problem with that here in DeQuincy.”

To learn more about the new Super School in DeQuincy or if you are interested in having your child enroll you can contact them online or call (785) 273-0325.

Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

Deep Thoughts by Paul Horner

This is a tribute to the comic genius Jack Handey, whose real name was actually Jack Handey.

  • I opened up a fortune cookie recently that said to treat others how you would want to be treated. So now I walk around giving hand jobs to everyone I meet.
  • Hostage negotiators really get on my nerves. They’re always asking me what I want, trying to calm me down, asking annoying questions about my hostages, but in the back off my mind I know they’re not really my friend. They are just using me for my hostages.
  • Sometimes I wish I was BFFs with Suge Knight. We would go to the movies together, ride on the roller coasters and share our deepest secrets. But even with all that fun happening, I would always be worried about him killing me at any moment.
  • What if Jesus didn’t really die for our sins? What if he died because he was nailed to a cross?
  • Sometimes I’m frustrated when crimes go unsolved. What if it was the dogs who let themselves out?
  • Some people like to make it rain at the strip club. I’m on a budget though so I can’t do that. Instead I throw nickles on the stage. I call it making it hail.
  • Drinking five 5-hour energy drinks will give you 25 hours of energy, and since there is only 24 hours in a day, you will die.
  • I know that things are changing and I’m getting older. I notice some of my friends are starting to have kids on purpose.
  • My friend Dave came over the other day and I made us a pizza. He asked me if this was delivery and I asked him if he was fucking stupid.
  • I wish I had a friend that did a lot of acid every day and always liked to explain how hard he was tripping balls. It would be even better if for a profession he was a fireman. He might not save any lives or even put out one fire, but it would be really funny.
  • For April Fool’s Day I told my parents that I was gay. They then told me how happy they were and that they had always suspected it. Then I said, “Ha, ha, ha, just joking, April Fools!” It was the worst April Fool’s Day ever.
  • What if the boys were already on their way to the yard and the milkshakes had nothing to do with it?
  • I like giving girls orgasms. I don’t like it when they spit it out though.

[Updated 04-23-13] I did standup comedy with this material. I think it went alright. I hope you enjoy it!

Hilarious Ideas For Pranking People On April Fool’s Day

Ideas for pranks on April Fool's Day

Fun ideas for pranking people on April Fool’s Day.

It is getting close to April Fool’s Day, the best day of the year. Here is some fun ideas to make your ‘prank day’ the best day it can possibly be!

1. If you are a guy, put a banana in your pants and see if anyone notices. If you are a girl, put balloons in your bra. People will definitely do a double take!

2. Dump an entire tube of glitter into the shampoo of the person you are living with. Watch the surprised look on their face when their body is covered head to toe with glitter.


3. If you work in an office, cover the sensor on everyone’s optical mouse with tape. Then change everyone’s background to rotate through images with one of them being porn. Then on everyone’s computer change the Windows startup sound to a 5 hour long mix that you have created. Include groaning, whispers, crying, cricket noises, anything you can think of. Get creative! Just make sure in between the sounds leave 10-20 minutes of silence to really freak them out. Then set fire to the building leaving no evidence behind. Make sure to frame your as*hole co-worker Paul Horner, or whatever his or her name may be. Nothing is funnier than someone serving 10-15 years in prison for a crime they did not commit!

4. Build a meth lab. Use your crystal meth that you make to sell to children at elementary schools and various parks. Get women in your neighborhood addicted to the drug and then whore them out for money. It will be a prank that will ensure fun and excitement year round!

5. If you are a female and give birth to a child of a different skin color, tell your husband that it was immaculate conception. Your husband will be so proud that you are bringing into this world the second coming of Jesus Christ. Also as a side note, it’s important to point out that this event was the first recorded ‘cheating wife excuse story’ in history, that just got way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaay out of hand.

Anyway, good luck, stay safe and have fun!

Fun fact: I actually did standup comedy of what you just read. Enjoy!

… or don’t, whatever. I’m the one with the sweet website and you’re just sitting behind your desk masturbating.

Woman Kills Five People For Not Accepting Her Friend Requests On Facebook

Woman kills five for not accepting her friend requests on Facebook

Lashawndra Harris killed five people when they did not accept her friend request on Facebook.

DeQuincy, LA — Lashawndra Harris from DeQuincy, Louisiana was arrested and charged today in connection with five murders. Harris had been dubbed by police as the ‘Facebook Friend Request Killer’ because at the scene of every murder a card was left on the victim’s body that showed the Facebook logo along with the section of the site where you can accept or deny an individual’s friend request.

Detective Paul Horner with the DeQuincy Police Department explained how Harris was finally apprehended. “She is probably the worst serial killer in the history of serial killers. At every murder scene she would leave a ‘calling card’ on the bodies with scribbled words written on each one such as, ‘Maybe next time you’ll be my friend on Facebook motherf*cker’, or ‘Who’s got more friends on Facebook now b*tch!’,” Horner said. “All of the people that were murdered lived in the same apartment building or were people that knew Harris personally. We then found a Facebook account belonging to Ms. Harris. In her ‘about’ section she specifically wrote the words, ‘If you don’t accept my friend request I will kill you’,” Horner continued, “She also said in her profile, ‘If we’re friends on Facebook, we cool. If you don’t want to be friends with me on Facebook, we have a problem’. So yeah, we knew we had the right person.”


Leron Jenkins who was a neighbor of Harris said he was approached by her just days before the arrest. “I didn’t like her, she was scary. She told me that if I didn’t accept her friend request on Facebook she would literally cut my balls off. So, long story short, I accepted her friend request.”

“When we raided her house today we found Ms. Harris at her computer on Facebook sending out more friend requests,” Horner said. “It’s a good thing we caught her before more people could deny her friend request.”

If anyone has any information about Lashawndra Harris police are urging you to call (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

###

Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen

Not Lashawndra Harris but actually a mugshot of Michelle Allen.

[Updated at 03-17-13 | 8:05 PM PDT] The Super Official Action News Team has just received word that the woman in the above mugshot is not Lashawndra Harris but actually a Michelle Allen.

At Super Official News we pride ourselves on the integrity and quality of our journalistic reporting. We sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused. As of this moment we are still trying to locate the actual mugshot of Lashawndra Harris.

As for Michelle Allen, Ohio Police say she had threatened police and urinated on a neighbor’s front porch.

Police say Allen was arrested for causing traffic problems, chasing kids in her neighborhood and not complying with police when they told her to return home. The police report stated officials could smell alcohol on her breath and her words were slurred.

Allen pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to a month in jail.

Major Mark Hoffman, with Middletown, Ohio Police says while Allen was in court, she challenged people to “suck her udders.” No information has been released as to why she was wearing the cow costume.

Allen has been arrested over 50 times on charges ranging from theft to prostitution.

SOURCE

Local Man Stops Robbery By Quoting Pulp Fiction

Paul HornerJonestown, AZ — A local man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. “He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left.” Local hero, Paul Horner, who thwarted the would-be robbers said, “It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. The robbers came around demanding everybody’s wallet and I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

Longtime diner Susan Litchfield said it was a pretty tense moment. “The robbers asked Mr. Horner what was in his hand. He told them it was his wallet that said ‘bad motherf*cker’ on it. I’ve never seen the movie so I didn’t know what he was talking about. I just thought he was some crazy white guy with a death wish.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them: Normally, both your asses would be dead as f*cking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this sh*t while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.”


Barkins said he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had temporarily snapped. I asked him if he was ok and he shouted, ‘Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain’t none of your go*damn business’. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherf*ckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

“In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in Jonestown,” Officer Miller from the Jonestown Police Department said. “It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

The robbers are described as a white male and female aged 35-45. Any information please contact the Jonestown Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.

###


“Now I want you to go in that bag and find my wallet.”
“Which one is it?”
“It’s the one that says bad mother f*cker.”

Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 DeadDeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.

This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.

Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”

When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”

The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.

“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”

Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60’s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”

The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”

Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.

Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.

[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.

[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”

[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 Dead

[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”

[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.

[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”

[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”

Image of the bomb that destroyed DeQuincy Louisiana from the zombie attack from bath salts

[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.

Image of the new zombie proof cars for DeQuincy

[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.

[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.

Zombie bath salts

[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.

Zombie bath salts

Zombie McDonalds

[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.

[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:

Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136

Billionaire’s New Presidential Campaign: Check None Of The Above

The Ass Press
Posted: 05/1/2012 6:05:52 PM PDT

Check none of the aboveAustin, TX. — A Texas billionaire is making news by starting his own presidential campaign of sorts. For the past few months Texas native Paul Horner has been hard at work on a campaign that he calls, Check None Of The Above. “What I’m doing is showing my disgruntlement for the options the American people have when it comes to choosing their next president,” Horner said at a press conference in Austin this afternoon. “I don’t like Obama and I don’t like Romney. I say check none of the above.”

45 year old Mitch Reynolds said, “We just love what Paul Horner is doing. He’s been placing ads in newspapers and he’s even putting up billboards. It’s exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions from the 80’s with Richard Pryor and John Candy.”

“I’m doing this for all the Americans out there who are left with two bad choices for president in this upcoming election.” Horner continues, “I’m also getting really tired of people saying that what I’m doing is like what they did in Brewster’s Millions. I came up with this idea all by myself, it has nothing to do with that movie.”

“Everything he’s doing is exactly like that movie Brewster’s Millions,” Sarah Bellignton a long time resident of Austin said. “Paul Horner received all this money as an inheritance from his great-uncle and he needs to spend it all in 30 days to get his actual inheritance or he gets nothing. But there’s a catch to all of this, Paul can’t buy anything tangible. So he’s been spending his money on things like a rare stamp that he actually mailed to someone. He also paid the New York Yankees a huge amount of money to play against his baseball team in an exhibition game and now he’s starting this presidential campaign. I think it’s a great move on Horner’s part to spend the money on something like this. A campaign like this will cost millions and every dollar spent will bring him that much closer to his actual inheritance.”

Horner told reporters, “I don’t play for a baseball team that is playing exhibition games with the Yankees. This is not money I received from a great uncle and I have not been mailing letters to people with rare stamps on them. People are making this out to be much more than it actually is. I just don’t want Obama or Romney in the White House come next year, it’s as simple as that.”

Kevin Harding from San Antonio said, “I wonder if Paul Horner will be able to spend all of his money before the 30 days is up and claim his true inheritance or will he walk away with nothing? I can’t wait to find out what happens!”

Horner said, “The money I’m using for this campaign is not money that I received from an inheritance. I don’t have 30 days to spend a certain amount of money or I lose a bigger inheritance. Let me again reiterate what this is about. I don’t want Barack Obama or Mitt Romney in the White House after this upcoming election, so when voting, I say check none of the above.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Horner physically assaulted a reporter from Fox News after he was asked if he knew anything about a possible sequel to Brewster’s Millions happening in the near future.

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife Over Too Many Facebook Game Requests

THE ASS PRESS
POSTED: 04/25/2012 6:00:57 PM PDT

Man Not Guilty in Killing Wife For Sending Him Game Requests on FacebookKabul, Afghanistan — An Afghan man was found not guilty Wednesday by a Tribunal of his elders for the gruesome murder of his wife of 42 years. The man, 54 year old Aasif Zawaydeh, apparently had choked his wife to death, cut her body up and fed it to the family dog. His defense was that she sent him too many game requests on Facebook and because of this she needed to die. The man says his wife knew he didn’t like the Avengers movie and kept sending him game requests for it on Facebook even after repeatedly telling her to stop.

Zawaydeh explained to the Tribunal, “I told her numerous times to stop sending me these stupid Facebook game requests for Avengers Alliance but she never listened.” Zawaydeh continued, “I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these damn game requests for Avengers Alliance. I don’t like using Facebook except to stay in contact with old friends from my militia and she knew this. I don’t like the Avengers movie and I especially don’t want to play the stupid game on Facebook.”

The Tribunal voted 12-0 unanimously in favor of the man saying that he was justified in the killing of his wife.

48 year old Steven Edwards from England who’s in Afghanistan because of work was at the trial when the verdict came in. “What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this country right now.”

At a press conference in New York this morning Paul Horner, the president of PGF or People against Games on Facebook said, “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that maybe you want to stop doing what you’re doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots. So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You see it’s something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you wanna kill them. Eventually what happened in Afghanistan is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

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Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana Users

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/20/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Obama Signs NTACT Into Law: Allows Waterboarding Marijuana UsersWashington DC — In a controversial move this morning President Obama made NTACT official and signed it into law. NTACT stands for the National Trees Act and was passed by Congress last week. The bill allows government officials, such as the military and DEA, to waterboard marijuana users in order to gain any potential information they may or may not have. The act states that by waterboarding the marijuana user for information, such as where they bought their drugs from, it will allow law enforcement officials to use that information to then arrest the dealers, distributors and the actual growers.

After signing NTACT into law, President Obama stated, “This is a great first step in putting an end to this nightmare that has plagued our country for so long now. Marijuana is a destructor of families and communities. By getting to the source of the problem, the actual marijuana user, I think we can finally win the war on drugs. God willing, no one will ever use marijuana again.”

U.S. Representative Lamar S. Smith, who introduced the bill into Congress said, “Marijuana users think they can sit around all day, smoke their reefer, eat fattening foods and watch their stupid television shows… well, not on my watch. Now with the threat of torture, I seriously doubt marijuana addicts will have the guts to smoke their drugs again.”

Obama went on to restate his position by saying, “I want to be clear. If a state legalizes marijuana, this law will still affect those residents. I’m sure you’re already well aware, that I won’t hesitate to send DEA agents into states that have already legalized the drug. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state or not, or who you are, if you make the choice to use marijuana, we will find you and we will waterboard you.” Obama went on to say, “With a marijuana arrest before, you might have just lost all your possessions, family and gone to prison. Thanks to this new bill I signed into law today, you’re now also going to get waterboarded. I’ve already passed The National Defense Act (NDAA), which allows us to send American citizens to jail for an infinite amount of time with no lawyer, judge or jury, so I think you should know by now that I’m not one to mess with.”

Paul Horner, one of Obama’s presidential advisers on the matter told the press today, “There’s just too many special interests out there that are making too much money because of marijuana’s illegal status. Do you have any idea how much money those lobbyists and special interest groups would stand to lose if we suddenly legalized marijuana? They would lose a lot. Sure our economy would probably improve if we taxed and regulated it, but the super-elite, the %1, are the ones who get hurt here. They are the ones we listen to.” Horner continued, “You can’t just make things like hemp legal. Pretty soon you wouldn’t have to cut down trees, then what are all the loggers out there going to do? You have to think about things like that. We see the big picture here at the White House. That’s why I’m up on stage holding a press conference and you’re down there writing everything that I’m saying.”

Danny Simmons from the DEA told CNN he approves of NTACT. “I don’t think there’s anyone I work with that isn’t excited about this law being passed. I think it’s going to be hilarious waterboarding a pot head; they are already so paranoid to begin with. The looks on their faces are gonna be priceless. They’ll be like, ah don’t kill me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Simmons laughs, “How awesome are things going to be now.”

RELATED NEWS >>> Obama Auctioning Off All Pot Seized In Drug Raids Since 2008

New ‘Work to Fly’ Program Sponsored by Mitt Romney

The Ass Press
Posted: 04/18/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT
Horner Airlines teams up and Mitt Romney for Work to FlyBoston, MA. — Horner Airlines is proud to announce that it has teamed up with presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in a first of its kind ‘Work to Fly’ program. Paul Horner, president of Horner Airlines, said the program will essentially allow people to fly for free as long as they put in a few days of manual labor for Mitt Romney.

Ben Thomas, a spokesman for Horner Airlines said, “In this tough economic climate, people want to travel but just can’t afford to. Now thanks to Mitt Romney and our ‘Work to Fly’ program they can. Mitt Romney is making dreams come true.”

Martha Jones from Mississippi was one of the first people to take part in the program. She went with her husband on an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii. She said, “We always wanted to visit Hawaii but just couldn’t afford it. Thanks to this program we were finally able to go.” She then goes on to explain what kind of work they did to get the free trip. “My husband and I spent one day digging ditches around a sewage treatment plant of Romney’s and then another day working as correctional officers for a privately owned prison of his in Texas. Those working credits added up to two round trip tickets to Waikiki and free hotel accommodations right on the beach. It was so beautiful and our marriage needed that. It was falling apart before all of this but thanks to this romantic getaway, we’ve never been happier. I truly believe Mitt Romney saved our marriage.”

At a press conference this afternoon to announce the deal Mitt Romney said, “Throughout all my years I’ve fired so many people and paid so little in taxes. Now I can have people work for me for free too. I’m just thrilled.”

The president of Horner Airlines finished the press conference by saying, “We currently have jobs available in all 50 states for this ‘Work to Fly’ program. There are different plans for different free flights and hotel stays. The more work you do for Mitt Romney translates into more free flights and accommodations. Contact a representative today.”

Phone # (785) 273-0325
Use coupon code: FLY FOR FREE