The Monsanto Company has begun funding an anti-masturbation organization which includes programs such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW.

Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto.

Dave Myers who is administrator and spokesman for Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin said he is thrilled to have the Monsanto Company supporting their cause. “Things got a little crazy there for a few days when the F.B.I., the U.S. government and Facebook shut us down. Fortunately Monsanto saw the importance of what we were doing and saved the day,” Myers said. “Now we are back online and stronger than ever.”

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Monsanto explained the reason behind their controversial decision. “We are proud to be the new sponsors of an organization that supports living a masturbation-free lifestyle. The kids love Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and we figure this will be a great way to improve our reputation and inform the public of all the good that we are doing.” Horner continued, “Now that we are in charge of the USDA we can pretty much do whatever we want. And we want to provide healthy food to every person in world and also put an end to masturbation once and for all.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about joining forces with Monsanto. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal and everyone will be eating things created by Monsanto.”

Tommy Kelly from Waterbury, CT says he loves the food produced by Monsanto. “The lobster potatoes and halibut tomatoes are probably my favorite,” Kelly said. “Also, masturbation in this country is at an all-time high and needs to stop. I hope one day Monsanto can genetically modify arms to make them shorter. This will stop masturbation for good.”

Monsanto has suggested Frankie the Fruit Bat® as an additional mascot to join Fappy® on the anti-masturbation tour that begins May 21st.

NBC News spoke with Daniel Ballado who has worked with Monsato for 9 months. “I work in their department for testing new chemicals. I smell each one and then Monsanto staff members in hazmat suits check to see what, if any, side effects occur.” Ballado said. “Working for a multi-billion dollar company and no high school education I can’t just start working in their GMO department for animals. I have to start off at the bottom and work my way up.” Ballado continued, “I figure after this chemical testing, I’ll probably be washing lettuce. Soon after that I’ll be on fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll be assistant manager… and that’s when the big bucks start rollin’ in.”

Though not everyone is a fan of Monsanto. Shilda Vafaei who heads up the Twin Cities March Against Monsanto says Monsanto feeds the world’s less educated. “Monsanto is responsible for some really super things, namely super weeds, super bugs, autism, Parkinson’s, and Alzheimer. Either mankind will stop Monsanto or Monsanto will stop mankind. You control the food supply, and you control the people,” Vafaei told reporters. “Monsanto is not even required to put labels on their food stating that it has been genetically altered. Instead they can legally call it ‘organic’ and they do that all the time. They destroy food and now they have a dolphin going around the country talking to elementary school children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. It is completely insane.” Vafaei continued, “If you’re cool with a company that produces food that will kill you and also heads up the USDA, then you are either a Washington lobbyist or you work for the Obama Administration.”

Critics are urging individuals to demand an investigation into Monsanto’s takeover of the USDA and join the Nation of Change and organizations around the world in a March Against Monsanto on May 25.

Monsanto’s Tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization.

According to CNN, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW have announced a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods.

The Monsanto Company is a publicly traded agricultural biotechnology corporation headquartered in Creve Coeur, Missouri. It is a leading producer of genetically engineered food and of the herbicide which it markets under the name ‘Roundup’.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Monsanto Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

• Fappy® Nationwide Monsanto School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

STOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

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