Argentinian Man Masturbates 83 Times In 24 Hour Period – New World Record

World record for masturbating

Crowds gather and celebrate in the city of La Falda as a new record for masturbation has been achieved.

La Falda, Argentina — Residents of a small town in Argentina are celebrating today as one of their own citizens has become the new record holder in the field of masturbation. From 8pm Thursday evening until 8pm Friday night, 22-year-old Hugo Lopez from the city of La Falda masturbated a total of 83 times. This new feat breaks the previous record set by a Thailand man last year.

Lopez spoke to CNN about achieving the new record. “Growing up I practiced all the time and took it very seriously. I knew one day my hard work would pay off.”

“Growing up he would never leave his room,” Lopez’s mom Evita told reporters. “He would just stay in his room and masturbate. We knew one day all that practice would pay off for him. Hugo has made all his friends and family so proud.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now does not agree that masturbation should be celebrated. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease,” Childs said. “Kids these days want to break records. They want to see how many Rubik’s cubes can be solved or how many times they can masturbate. It makes me so sick. What they need is a good visit from Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, that would clear things up.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are nonprofit organizations paid for by the Monsanto Company. Their main focus is educating children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. The previous masturbation record of 61 times in a 24-hour period was achieved by Santi Amranand of Pattaya, Thailand June 16th – June 17th of last year.

Documentary By Michael Moore Called “Fappy” Scheduled For Release In December

Michael Moore talking to reporters about his upcoming documentary “Fappy”.

Hollywood, CA — Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore held a press conference to announce his new upcoming documentary that is being released in December simply titled “Fappy”.

Moore talked with reporters and explained briefly what the documentary is about. “The story follows a religious anti-masturbation organization who travels around the country preaching to school children about the harmful effects of masturbation,” Moore said. “They have a mascot who dresses in a dolphin costume that goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Fappy® along with his assistants visit various elementary schools nationwide talking to children about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. Along the way many interesting situations arise; everything from the group being banned in the state of California to Fappy® getting arrested for public masturbation.” Moore continued, “Besides all of the problems that occur, the characters are real and loving. You begin to root for this organization that you want so badly to fail.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now told CNN he is excited about Moore’s documentary. “We’re just thrilled to have Michael Moore making a movie about what we do day in and day out. Hopefully it will bring more attention to our cause,” Childs said. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. What our organization does is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

64-year old Paul Horner who is a teacher at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma told reporters about their experience with Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin when they visited the school back in March. “The kids just love him,” Horner said. “Fappy® makes the kids laugh and educates them at the same time. He also is quite the tickle monster and the children just love wrestling with him. We can’t wait for Fappy® to come back and visit us again!”

“Fappy” will open December 5th in a limited number of theaters and is scheduled for a nationwide release on December 19th. For more information visit fappythemovie.com.

###

STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Brother Lonnie's University of Faith Facts - BLUFFBrother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts – BLUFF

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own OFFICIAL Fappy® merchandise here!

Monsanto Funds Anti-Masturbation Organization

The Monsanto Company has begun funding anti-masturbation organizations such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin (seen here) and STOP Masturbation NOW

The Monsanto Company has begun funding an anti-masturbation organization which includes programs such as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW.

Creve Coeur, MO — The Monsanto Company held a press conference today to announce their funding of an anti-masturbation organization who recently lost federally funding and was shut down by the FBI. This controversial move comes just days after the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) was taken over by Monsanto.

Dave Myers who is administrator and spokesman for Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin said he is thrilled to have the Monsanto Company supporting their cause. “Things got a little crazy there for a few days when the F.B.I., the U.S. government and Facebook shut us down. Fortunately Monsanto saw the importance of what we were doing and saved the day,” Myers said. “Now we are back online and stronger than ever.”

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for Monsanto explained the reason behind their controversial decision. “We are proud to be the new sponsors of an organization that supports living a masturbation-free lifestyle. The kids love Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and we figure this will be a great way to improve our reputation and inform the public of all the good that we are doing.” Horner continued, “Now that we are in charge of the USDA we can pretty much do whatever we want. And we want to provide healthy food to every person in world and also put an end to masturbation once and for all.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about joining forces with Monsanto. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal and everyone will be eating things created by Monsanto.”

Tommy Kelly from Waterbury, CT says he loves the food produced by Monsanto. “The lobster potatoes and halibut tomatoes are probably my favorite,” Kelly said. “Also, masturbation in this country is at an all-time high and needs to stop. I hope one day Monsanto can genetically modify arms to make them shorter. This will stop masturbation for good.”

Monsanto has also suggested we bring Frankie the Fruit Bat® with us along on our new and improved nationwide tour starting on May 21st.

Monsanto has suggested Frankie the Fruit Bat® as an additional mascot to join Fappy® on the anti-masturbation tour that begins May 21st.

NBC News spoke with Daniel Ballado who has worked with Monsato for 9 months. “I work in their department for testing new chemicals. I smell each one and then Monsanto staff members in hazmat suits check to see what, if any, side effects occur.” Ballado said. “Working for a multi-billion dollar company and no high school education I can’t just start working in their GMO department for animals. I have to start off at the bottom and work my way up.” Ballado continued, “I figure after this chemical testing, I’ll probably be washing lettuce. Soon after that I’ll be on fries, then the grill. In a year or two, I’ll be assistant manager… and that’s when the big bucks start rollin’ in.”

Though not everyone is a fan of Monsanto. Shilda Vafaei who heads up the Twin Cities March Against Monsanto says Monsanto feeds the world’s less educated. “Monsanto is responsible for some really super things, namely super weeds, super bugs, autism, Parkinson’s, and Alzheimer. Either mankind will stop Monsanto or Monsanto will stop mankind. You control the food supply, and you control the people,” Vafaei told reporters. “Monsanto is not even required to put labels on their food stating that it has been genetically altered. Instead they can legally call it ‘organic’ and they do that all the time. They destroy food and now they have a dolphin going around the country talking to elementary school children about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods. It is completely insane.” Vafaei continued, “If you’re cool with a company that produces food that will kill you and also heads up the USDA, then you are either a Washington lobbyist or you work for the Obama Administration.”

Critics are urging individuals to demand an investigation into Monsanto’s takeover of the USDA and join the Nation of Change and organizations around the world in a March Against Monsanto on May 25.

Monsanto tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization

Monsanto’s Tweet about funding an anti-masturbation organization.

According to CNN, Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW have announced a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation and the benefits of genetically modified foods.

The Monsanto Company is a publicly traded agricultural biotechnology corporation headquartered in Creve Coeur, Missouri. It is a leading producer of genetically engineered food and of the herbicide which it markets under the name ‘Roundup’.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Monsanto Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

  • Fappy® Nationwide Monsanto School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Brother Lonnie's University of Faith Facts - BLUFFBrother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts – BLUFF

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation and educating children about the benefits of genetically modified foods! Get your very own OFFICIAL Fappy® merchandise here!

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin & SMN Banned In California

Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin speaking to students at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles.

This morning California lawmakers voted in favor of permanently banning the organization known as STOP Masturbating NOW (SMN). This means that the organization, their current employees and even their mascot who goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can no longer ‘legally’ enter the state or promote their message there again.

Nancy Pelosi who represents California’s 12th congressional district told reporters the ban was an obvious decision that needed to happen immediately. “Their organization’s mascot, Fappy®, was going around different elementary schools in the state spreading complete and utter lies. While he was here in San Francisco this month he collected thousands of signatures from children as young as 5-years-old promising to never masturbate,” Pelosi said. “Dave Myers who is a spokesman for their organization was going on different radio shows presenting ridiculous lies as fact. He claimed that while Fappy® was in San Francisco he single-handily lowered the amount of “masturbators” and “the gays” by over 80%. The judgement that was passed down today was a no-brainer.”

Officer Erich Sean with the The San Francisco Police Department said he was amazed with the amount of problems the organization caused in such a short period of time. “Just a week ago their mascot, Paul Horner, was arrested in Portland for public masturbation. While in San Francisco he was walking around the city, harassing citizens and scaring the children,” Sean said. “This group is hypocritical and just a huge scam masquerading as some sort of public service. They are just pure evil and I’m glad we won’t ever be seeing them again.”

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation in affiliation with SMN told reporters they plan to repeal the ban. “This ruling won’t hold up and we’ll be back in California again soon, I can promise you that,” Myers said. “We are a Federally Funded Organization. The state might ban us, but federal laws always trump state law, so there’s your answer right there. Those California senators that voted in favor of this ban can go f*ck themselves.”

Mitch Hedberg with the San Francisco Examiner explained in his article this morning that he approves of the ban. “I used to masturbate. I still do, but I used to, too.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

###

STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Kicks Off Nationwide School Tour

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation.

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

New York, NY — Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and STOP Masturbation NOW are proud to announce a 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now said he is excited about the tour. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin kicked off his nationwide school tour at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma with a bang. While there, Fappy® answered questions and spoke to students about the dangers of masturbation.”

“The kids just love him,” said 64-year old Paul Horner who is a teacher at Pansy Kidd Middle School. “Fappy® makes the kids laugh and educates them at the same time. He also is quite the tickle monster and the children just love wrestling with him. We can’t wait for Fappy® to come back next year!”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this tour, click here. For more information or if you would like Fappy® to visit your child’s school please call the 24-hour Fappy® Nationwide School Tour Hotline.

  • Fappy® Nationwide School Tour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

STOP masturbation NOW on FacebookSTOP Masturbation NOW

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin on FacebookFappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin

Fappy® the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin needs your help and support in ending masturbation! Get your very own Fappy® merchandise here!