City In Louisiana Makes ‘Twerking’ Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

Twerking illegal in Louisiana

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke twerking at the MTV VMAs last month.

DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this sexual act before marriage, but not the great city of DeQuincy,” Wilkens said. “We will still allow dancing in DeQuincy, just no jigglin’, shakin’ and ‘dry humping’ anywhere in our city limits.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town told reporters about the penalties for those caught twerking. “First time offenders will receive a mandatory 30 days in the county jail. After that it will be a much harsher punishment,” Williams said. “We are not taking this matter lightly. There ain’t gonna be no twerkin’ in my city, not no more.”

24-year-old DeQuincy resident Brandon Adams told reporters he does not agree with the new law. “There is nothing to do in this town, seriously. Twerking is all us kids had left and now they’re taking it away from us,” Adams said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. At least we weren’t out causing trouble, sniffing glue and breaking stuff. I guess we’ll now have to go back to doing that.”

Twerking is a type of dancing in which the dancer, usually a woman, shakes her hips up-and-down in a bouncing motion, causing the dancer’s buttocks to shake, ‘wobble’ and ‘jiggle’ in a sexually provocative manner. The origins of twerking are unknown but were recently made popular by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke‘s performance at the MTV VMAs last month.

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on twerking.

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City in Louisiana Offering K-12 Education In Only 6 Months

14-year-old Jamal Williams in front of the Super School with his diploma he received in 6 months.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking a new approach to education that has created quite the controversy and already has other cities considering doing the same.

In the past year the town of DeQuincy, Louisiana has torn down it’s elementary school, it’s middle school and turned their entire high school into what they are calling a Super School.

Paul Horner who is the superintendent of DeQuincy spoke to reporters and explained how their revolutionary new education system works. “It’s actually quite amazing. We have taken all the basics that are taught throughout a 12-year education and have compacted them down to a 6 month program,” Horner said. “In the real world, who actually uses Algebra or needs to know the political views of ancient Egypt?” Horner continued, “If the child does want to learn that kind of information, they can look it up on the internet which will all be covered in our 3 week computer science class.”

Maynard Jenkins who is the mayor of DeQuincy agrees with the new Super School. “I didn’t get any learnings when I was in school. I got all my learning from the streets and now look where I am today, I’m a gosh darn mayor,” Jenkins said. “With this Super School there will be no more 5th grade bullies or the social awkwardness of puberty, it will be just straight learning the basics.” Jenkins continued, “This whole 12 years of unnecessary education will give kids more time to be kids, get jobs and learn the tough reality of life.”

Prinicipal Shilda Vafaei talked to reporters about the new DeQuincy Super School. “When a child turns the ripe age of 14-years-old he or she will be taken, by force if necessary, to the brand new Super School. While there, they will eat, sleep, and learn,” Vafaei said. “The children will learn the absolute basics from such subjects as Math, Science, Social Studies, English and History.” Vafaei continued, “We know the child is ready to graduate when they can give correct change from a cash register, play Candy Crush Saga on Facebook and understand the concept of green means go and red means stop.”

According Joyce Barth who is a teacher at the Super School told reporters they also offer a one week sex education class that is mandatory. “Our goal is to teach children about living a masturbation-free lifestyle and not having sex until marriage,” Barth said. “Also,  marriage with anyone you are related to is a big no-no. We have a problem with that here in DeQuincy.”

To learn more about the new Super School in DeQuincy or if you are interested in having your child enroll you can contact them online or call (785) 273-0325.

Small Town In Louisiana Bans Koreans

Town bans Koreans

Mayor Maynard Wilkens and Sheriff Bobby Joe Williams explained the new law that bans Koreans from the town of DeQuincy.

DeQuincy, LA — With all the current tensions overseas right now a small town in Louisiana has taken matters into their own hands. They have begun removing all Koreans currently living in the town and have prevented any new Koreans from entering.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to reporters today and explained the ban that takes effect at midnight tonight. “I don’t care if they’re South Korean or North Korean, I know they are somehow working together. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand if they want, but DeQuincy is doing something about it.” Mayor Wilkens continued, “Those Gangnam Style, slanted-eye freaks, can take their nukes somewhere else because they don’t belong here in DeQuincy, that’s for damn sure.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town said he will not tolerate any Koreans in the city any longer. “Even if they just look Korean, they are banned from entering our town. If they try and resist they will either be locked up or shot on sight. I don’t know the difference between a China man from some Japanese guy, and I don’t care to know. All I know is they all gotta go, and when they’re gone, they stay gone, or they be gone.”


34-year-old Paul Horner who has been a resident of DeQuincy for the past 20 years spoke to reporters briefly about his Korean mail-order bride that he purchased 5-years ago. “My wife Hyori is the prettiest little thing you’d ever lay your eyes on and I love her to death, but right now, I don’t trust her. With everything that is going on, how do I know she isn’t some secret agent that was sent over here to blow up our town?” Horner continued, “And she’s real sneaky too. She’s always sneaking around, trying to get out of the basement even when I have the door locked. She probably even knows those terrorists who did the Boston marathon bombings. But don’t you worry about that, I’ve been waterboarding her day and night. I will get information from her. Our country’s freedom depends on it.”

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban. Any questions or comments about the ban can be referred to a 24-hour hotline the city has set up at (785) 273-0325.

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Disney Announces Plans For 26,000 Star Wars Movies In The Next 5 Years

Darth Vader and Disney have teamed up

Seen here is a promotional photo for Disney’s ‘Darth Vader Heads West’, scheduled for release next week.

Hollywood, CA — Fanboys around the world are celebrating as Disney has just announced plans for an additional 26,000 Star Wars movies to be released in the next 5 years. This news comes just months after Disney acquired George LucasLucasfilm Ltd. which  includes the rights to the entire Star Wars franchise.

Paul Horner who is Chairman & CEO of Disney said these are exciting times for the company. “No matter if you’re 9 or 90 years old, we have a Star Wars movie coming out just for you. Even if you don’t like Star Wars, we have a movie for that too!”

“There’s probably 100 or so of these new Star Wars movies I would like to see, but definitely not the other 25,900,” says Lucasfilm’s head animator Kyle Brock. “The problem happened when some executive over at Disney that goes by just the name ‘Paul‘, like Seal or some bullsh*t like that, heard a rumor that he wasn’t supposed to tell anybody about, but he did anyway. Now he’s trying to make up for his mistake by releasing all these thousands of crap Star Wars movies,” Brock said. “He still deserves a beat-down in my opinion because the damage has already been done. I mean, Hakuna Matata now means, may the Force be with you. What the f*ck is that all about?”

Before ending the press conference, Horner left a list of the next 6 Star Wars films coming to theaters or DVD this week:

  • Yoda & Shrek’s Great Adventure
    Yoda is Shrek’s great grandfather and attempts to show Skrek the ways of the Force while at the same time getting into wacky adventures.
  • Pinocchio: Lightsaber Of Death
    Pinocchio’s nose becomes a lightsaber and has to fight off members of the dark side.
  • Lady and the Tramp in Space
    Han Solo and Princess Leia share a meatball and get romantically involved as they fight off evil villains in different parts of the galaxy.
  • Mickey Mouse & Luke Skywalker’s Day Off
    Mickey Mouse and Luke Skywalker sit around a kitchen table, drinking tea, talking about current events and different women that they have been with throughout their lives.
  • C-3PO and Wall-E Forever
    C-3PO and Wall-E are gay lovers who live together in a one bedroom apartment in the redneck town of DeQuincy, Louisiana. It is a touching story about two gay robots and their struggles with society to accept them for who they are.
  • Jedi Computer Skills
    A 3 hour long documentary about turning off your computer, leaving your parents basement and talking to the opposite sex, just like a real Jedi would do.

Brock told reporters he does not approve of Disney’s buyout of Lucasfilm. “Disney is the definition of corporate greed, who are making as many Star Wars movies as possible, just because they can and they know they will make money, regardless if it tarnishes the Star Wars brand forever,” Brock said. “And what happens after five years when the first 26,000 movies are released, are they just going to make another 26,000 movies? It’s just not cool George Lucas, it’s not cool at all.”

In order to make all 26,000 movies in 5 years Disney will be releasing a little over 14 films per day on average. The stock and cash transaction of Disney’s purchase of Lucasfilm totaled an estimated $4.05 billion. The deal was approved in October of last year by the Disney Board of Directors and Lucas, the sole Lucasfilm shareholder.

Small Town In Louisiana Arming Its Students & Staff With Hand Guns

School arming it's kids with guns

Meagan Greenfield, a 5th grade student at DeQuincy Elementary School, is seen here checking her assigned Glock pistol to make sure it is fully loaded and working properly.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking matters into their own hands when it comes to the controversial topic of gun control. They are arming all of their students, K-12, and staff members with hand guns. The three different schools in the town will also have armed guards with semi-automatic rifles stationed at every entrance.

Paul Horner who is the Superintendent for the school district in DeQuincy spoke with reporters this afternoon to explain the new gun policies. “We won’t let a tragedy like Sandy Hook happen in DeQuincy,” said Horner. “We understand it’s a big step putting guns in the hands of school children but drastic times call for drastic measures.”

Chief spokesman for the NRA in Louisiana Bill Hanson believes it is great what the town of DeQuincy is doing. “This is a great step in the right direction. The town of DeQuincy is the first city in the country to join our new ‘Kids With Guns’ program,” Hanson said. “No one in their right mind would think of shooting up a school filled with 500 kids and teachers armed to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons. Hopefully more schools will follow DeQuincy’s lead on this.” Hanson continued, “If you had guns in the hands of every child and teacher in the United States, school shootings would be a thing of the past, something you would just read about in the history books.”

3rd grade student Brandon Adams said he loves his new gun. “It’s so awesome, I look like James Bond now” Adams said. “I dare any of the bullies in the school to pick on me now. They try and disrespect again and it’s game over son.”

Every student and staff member in DeQuincy will be required to carry on their persons at all time a fully loaded Glock pistol. The children and staff members are also obligated to take a 40 hour class on how to fire a handgun safely and correctly. Staff members told reporters the children will not be allowed to take the weapons home with them and the guns will be locked up every night so no accidents can occur. For more information or how to get your school district enrolled in the ‘Kids With Guns’ program, please call (785) 273-0325.

New Craze In Louisiana Called ‘Whipping’ Has Arrests At An All-Time High

New Craze In Louisiana Called Whipping Has Arrests At An All-Time High

Seen here is an anonymous individual ‘whipping’ on a mailbox. ‘Whipping’ is a new trend in Louisiana which involves males rubbing their penis on various objects.

DeQuincy, LA — A new craze is sweeping parts of Louisiana as teenagers are participating in a unique fad known as ‘whipping’. ‘Whipping’ involves a male rubbing their penis on various objects and then taking a picture of his actions to show friends or posting the photo(s) online for others to see.

23-year-old Brandon Adams from DeQuincy told reporters the different types of ‘whipping’ that is being done in his town. “The better the ‘whipping’ the more points you score with friends,” Adams said. “Pulling down your pants and ‘whipping’ on a bar stool or something is pretty funny, but ‘whipping’ on a police car is epic. The more danger involved, makes for a better picture.”

Local resident 27-year-old Sarah Winters witnessed ‘whipping’ just days ago and told reporters that she is still traumatized from the event. “So I’m at this bar by my house with my friend Amber, drinking a few beers, just having a good time. Suddenly this group of 5 or 6 guys come in with their pants down and start running around the bar rubbing their dicks on everything. Before the owner had a chance to do anything, the group had left, but not before penis residue was all over everything,” Winters said. “They had to close the bar for two days and bring in a Hazmat Crew to clean up everything. I don’t think what they’re doing is funny at all, it’s just disgusting.”

Sergeant Paul Horner of the DeQuincy Police Department said ‘whipping’ has become a big problem in the town. “The kids get drunk, they pull down their pants and start rubbing their dicks all over everything,” Horner said. “It’s not cool or hilarious like these guys think it is, it’s illegal. A first time offense for ‘whipping’ will usually get the individual a warning. Second and third offenses carry a minimum of a week to 30 days in jail. We’re done messing around with these types of shenanigans.”

Horner ended the press conference explaining what his plans are for the future of ‘whipping’ in DeQuincy. “Pranks like these have been around for years. It used to be innocent things like planking and things of that nature, but ‘whipping’ is just going too far. We are making it priority number one in our city to put an end to it once and for all.”

If you witness ‘whipping’ of any kind please call the Whipping Hotline at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

Obama Declares December National Gay Guy Appreciation Month

Obama announcing December as 'National  Gay Guy Appreciation' MonthWashington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce that he is declaring the month of December ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’. “I probably would have never met my beautiful wife of 19 years if there were gay guys in the playing field. They stay away from females and make our job as men easier,” Obama told reporters. “Thank you to all the gay men in this world from the bottom of my heart.”

Eric Burns a Scientist at Bell Labs said if all gay men suddenly turned straight our society would cease to exist. “Gay men keep other gay men away from the female gender. If suddenly these gay men were to turn straight, there would not be enough females to go around, it would be complete chaos,” Burns said. “No males would go to work. They would end up wandering the streets for eternity searching for a female partner, which they never would find. Cities would crumble, Nations would collapse, Empires would fall.”

29-year old Paul Horner from Apple Valley, Minnesota said he is pleased with the president’s decision to hold a month just to celebrate gay guys. “At least 90% of gay dudes are better looking than me,” said Horner. “If suddenly they all turned straight, no way would I ever get laid. I barely get laid as it is.” Horner continued, “Without gay guys, my monthly expenses for hookers and hand lotion would go through the roof. Thank you gay guys.”

Billy Jo Williams from Dequincy, Louisiana told reporters he’s happy with president Obama’s decision. “Hell yes I’m grateful for all those queers,” Williams said. “With all those dudes off the market, I get my d*ck wet so much, you can’t even imagine. Thank you gay guys.”

Obama finished the press conference by telling reporters how happy he was with America and how far it has come since it’s inception. “Folks, there is no way we could have had a ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ 20 years ago. That really says a lot about the growth and progress of this great country.”

‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ begins December 1st and will end at midnight on December 31st. For any questions or comments please contact the 24-hour National Gay Guy Appreciation Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

New Law Allows Pregnant Women To Use Carpool Lane In Louisiana

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant woman.Dequincy, LA — The Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant women that take effect beginning December 1st, 2012. Pregnant women, driving alone, now legally count as two people and will have full access to all carpool and HOV lanes.

Jindal explained the groundbreaking new law to reporters. “Women that are pregnant will now legally be able to drive in any carpool or HOV lane in Louisiana,” Jindal said. “That fetus in the woman is a human being so it counts as two people in the car. We encourage other states to follow our example.”

Louisiana has the strictest rules in the country against abortion, according to NARAL. Ninety-two percent of Louisiana counties currently don’t have an abortion provider. State health officials are allowed to suspend the license of outpatient abortion facilities for as little as one violation. Louisiana law subjects women seeking abortion services to biased-counseling requirements and mandatory delays.

Long time resident Brandon Adams from Dequincy told reporters that he doesn’t agree with the new law. “I always drive in the carpool lane if I’m alone or with a buddy,” Adams said. “It’s a lot tougher to drive in the normal lanes when you’ve been drinking and now I’m going to have to deal with all these preggos that shouldn’t even be driving in the first place.” Adams continued, “Why do they let women drive anyway? They can’t make sandwiches very easily while driving.”

Paul Horner who is pro-life and a political adviser for Jindal says he fully agrees with the new law. “Pregnant women caught driving outside of the HOV or carpool lane will be subjected to a $500 fine. Women that go against our loving god’s wishes and decide to abort their human passenger living inside of them will face much more severe consequences.” Horner continued, “At the state level, they will have their driver’s license suspended for one full year. At the ‘defying-god-soulless level’, they will bathe in a pit of hell fire for eternity.”

  • For more information please contact the 24 Hour Louisiana HOV Pregnant Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, classic insurance, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325