City In Louisiana Makes ‘Twerking’ Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

Twerking illegal in Louisiana

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke twerking at the MTV VMAs last month.

DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this sexual act before marriage, but not the great city of DeQuincy,” Wilkens said. “We will still allow dancing in DeQuincy, just no jigglin’, shakin’ and ‘dry humping’ anywhere in our city limits.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town told reporters about the penalties for those caught twerking. “First time offenders will receive a mandatory 30 days in the county jail. After that it will be a much harsher punishment,” Williams said. “We are not taking this matter lightly. There ain’t gonna be no twerkin’ in my city, not no more.”

24-year-old DeQuincy resident Brandon Adams told reporters he does not agree with the new law. “There is nothing to do in this town, seriously. Twerking is all us kids had left and now they’re taking it away from us,” Adams said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. At least we weren’t out causing trouble, sniffing glue and breaking stuff. I guess we’ll now have to go back to doing that.”

Twerking is a type of dancing in which the dancer, usually a woman, shakes her hips up-and-down in a bouncing motion, causing the dancer’s buttocks to shake, ‘wobble’ and ‘jiggle’ in a sexually provocative manner. The origins of twerking are unknown but were recently made popular by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke‘s performance at the MTV VMAs last month.

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on twerking.

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Small Town In Louisiana Arming Its Students & Staff With Hand Guns

School arming it's kids with guns

Meagan Greenfield, a 5th grade student at DeQuincy Elementary School, is seen here checking her assigned Glock pistol to make sure it is fully loaded and working properly.

DeQuincy, LA — A small town in Louisiana is taking matters into their own hands when it comes to the controversial topic of gun control. They are arming all of their students, K-12, and staff members with hand guns. The three different schools in the town will also have armed guards with semi-automatic rifles stationed at every entrance.

Paul Horner who is the Superintendent for the school district in DeQuincy spoke with reporters this afternoon to explain the new gun policies. “We won’t let a tragedy like Sandy Hook happen in DeQuincy,” said Horner. “We understand it’s a big step putting guns in the hands of school children but drastic times call for drastic measures.”

Chief spokesman for the NRA in Louisiana Bill Hanson believes it is great what the town of DeQuincy is doing. “This is a great step in the right direction. The town of DeQuincy is the first city in the country to join our new ‘Kids With Guns’ program,” Hanson said. “No one in their right mind would think of shooting up a school filled with 500 kids and teachers armed to the teeth with semi-automatic weapons. Hopefully more schools will follow DeQuincy’s lead on this.” Hanson continued, “If you had guns in the hands of every child and teacher in the United States, school shootings would be a thing of the past, something you would just read about in the history books.”

3rd grade student Brandon Adams said he loves his new gun. “It’s so awesome, I look like James Bond now” Adams said. “I dare any of the bullies in the school to pick on me now. They try and disrespect again and it’s game over son.”

Every student and staff member in DeQuincy will be required to carry on their persons at all time a fully loaded Glock pistol. The children and staff members are also obligated to take a 40 hour class on how to fire a handgun safely and correctly. Staff members told reporters the children will not be allowed to take the weapons home with them and the guns will be locked up every night so no accidents can occur. For more information or how to get your school district enrolled in the ‘Kids With Guns’ program, please call (785) 273-0325.

New Craze In Louisiana Called ‘Whipping’ Has Arrests At An All-Time High

New Craze In Louisiana Called Whipping Has Arrests At An All-Time High

Seen here is an anonymous individual ‘whipping’ on a mailbox. ‘Whipping’ is a new trend in Louisiana which involves males rubbing their penis on various objects.

DeQuincy, LA — A new craze is sweeping parts of Louisiana as teenagers are participating in a unique fad known as ‘whipping’. ‘Whipping’ involves a male rubbing their penis on various objects and then taking a picture of his actions to show friends or posting the photo(s) online for others to see.

23-year-old Brandon Adams from DeQuincy told reporters the different types of ‘whipping’ that is being done in his town. “The better the ‘whipping’ the more points you score with friends,” Adams said. “Pulling down your pants and ‘whipping’ on a bar stool or something is pretty funny, but ‘whipping’ on a police car is epic. The more danger involved, makes for a better picture.”

Local resident 27-year-old Sarah Winters witnessed ‘whipping’ just days ago and told reporters that she is still traumatized from the event. “So I’m at this bar by my house with my friend Amber, drinking a few beers, just having a good time. Suddenly this group of 5 or 6 guys come in with their pants down and start running around the bar rubbing their dicks on everything. Before the owner had a chance to do anything, the group had left, but not before penis residue was all over everything,” Winters said. “They had to close the bar for two days and bring in a Hazmat Crew to clean up everything. I don’t think what they’re doing is funny at all, it’s just disgusting.”

Sergeant Paul Horner of the DeQuincy Police Department said ‘whipping’ has become a big problem in the town. “The kids get drunk, they pull down their pants and start rubbing their dicks all over everything,” Horner said. “It’s not cool or hilarious like these guys think it is, it’s illegal. A first time offense for ‘whipping’ will usually get the individual a warning. Second and third offenses carry a minimum of a week to 30 days in jail. We’re done messing around with these types of shenanigans.”

Horner ended the press conference explaining what his plans are for the future of ‘whipping’ in DeQuincy. “Pranks like these have been around for years. It used to be innocent things like planking and things of that nature, but ‘whipping’ is just going too far. We are making it priority number one in our city to put an end to it once and for all.”

If you witness ‘whipping’ of any kind please call the Whipping Hotline at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

New Law Allows Pregnant Women To Use Carpool Lane In Louisiana

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant woman.Dequincy, LA — The Governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal held a press conference today to announce new carpool laws for pregnant women that take effect beginning December 1st, 2012. Pregnant women, driving alone, now legally count as two people and will have full access to all carpool and HOV lanes.

Jindal explained the groundbreaking new law to reporters. “Women that are pregnant will now legally be able to drive in any carpool or HOV lane in Louisiana,” Jindal said. “That fetus in the woman is a human being so it counts as two people in the car. We encourage other states to follow our example.”

Louisiana has the strictest rules in the country against abortion, according to NARAL. Ninety-two percent of Louisiana counties currently don’t have an abortion provider. State health officials are allowed to suspend the license of outpatient abortion facilities for as little as one violation. Louisiana law subjects women seeking abortion services to biased-counseling requirements and mandatory delays.

Long time resident Brandon Adams from Dequincy told reporters that he doesn’t agree with the new law. “I always drive in the carpool lane if I’m alone or with a buddy,” Adams said. “It’s a lot tougher to drive in the normal lanes when you’ve been drinking and now I’m going to have to deal with all these preggos that shouldn’t even be driving in the first place.” Adams continued, “Why do they let women drive anyway? They can’t make sandwiches very easily while driving.”

Paul Horner who is pro-life and a political adviser for Jindal says he fully agrees with the new law. “Pregnant women caught driving outside of the HOV or carpool lane will be subjected to a $500 fine. Women that go against our loving god’s wishes and decide to abort their human passenger living inside of them will face much more severe consequences.” Horner continued, “At the state level, they will have their driver’s license suspended for one full year. At the ‘defying-god-soulless level’, they will bathe in a pit of hell fire for eternity.”

  • For more information please contact the 24 Hour Louisiana HOV Pregnant Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney’s Economic Plan Unveiled Today In Washington

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/29/2012 6:00:14 PM PDT

Mitt Romney laid out his groundbreaking economic plan to fix the economy at a press conference today in Washington.Washington, DC — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce his full-proof plan to fix the economy once in office. “We can completely eliminate poverty and most of the lower class just by simply lowering the requirements to be in the middle class,” Romney told reporters. “Being part of the middle class usually means your household as a whole makes an annual income of $50-$100k a year. By decreasing this number to only $4-$5k a year, that means there would no longer be a lower class. Problem solved.”

Paul Horner who is a senior political analyst for FOX News said that he is glad Romney finally unveiled his economic plans for recovery and approves of his message. “Up to this point is has been unclear of Romney’s exact plans to fix the economy,” said Horner. “But after these genius ideas of his today, I can see our current recession ending immediately and the United States returning to the super power it once was.” Horner continued, “Can you imagine a United States with almost 95% less of a lower class and the economy rebounding virtually overnight? We would once again return to the great country that we used to be when George Bush was in office.”

Romney spoke about the current state of the nation’s poor and his plans to fix the economy. “Obama wants to give the lower class free everything for the rest of their lives. He wants to keep them at that poverty level, where they feel they are entitled to housing, food, health care, classic insurance, you name it. But not me, I want to help them,” Romney said. “I say empower these individuals with that feeling of accomplishment. They will join the ranks of the working middle class and will have no problem paying for all the stuff they were receiving for free when they were at those old poverty levels.”

Walter White who is the campaign manager for Romney agrees with the new plans laid out by the presidential nominee. “It’s absolutely brilliant! Overnight Romney will eliminate trillions of dollars that is currently being wasted on programs meant for just the lower class. Imagine how much more useful that money would be in spending it on things like wars?” White continued, “Wars aren’t cheap and with all the extra funds collected from Romney’s economic plan it would ensure that we could bomb any country we wanted to without a moments notice. How cool would that be?”

36-year old Becky Lynn Daniels from Dequincy, Louisiana has been on disability since 2003 after a car accident paralyzed her from the waist down. She told reporters that she is excited about possibly joining the ranks of the middle class. “Before with all the handouts I was receiving, I was just barely getting by. I was definitely part of the lower class. I was in a wheel chair and I couldn’t work,” Daniels said. “But if I could join the middle class, I think I would finally have a chance to succeed in life. I could see myself getting a job as a ticket-taker at a movie theater or something. It might be hard to pay for rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, doctor bills and medications, but I know Mr. Romney would be there rooting for me.” Daniels paused and visibly shed a tear,”Mitt Romney is truly a great and compassionate man.”

  • Mitt Romney’s New Economic Plan 24-Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Mitt Romney Inspires 47% Of Americans Not To Be Losers Anymore

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/18/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

Mitt Romney is inspiring 47% of America not to be losers anymoreWashington, D.C. — A video surfaced the other day from a private fund-raising event that was held for Mitt Romney in May of this year. The tape shows Romney describing almost half of Americans as “dependent upon government”. He said the 47% of voters who didn’t pay taxes last year will support President Obama because they believe they are “entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”. In one segment, Romney described how his campaign is writing off “47% of the people” who will vote for Mr. Obama “no matter what.” He says they “are people who pay no income tax” and also explains “so our message of low taxes doesn’t connect”. Most people would believe these words said by Romney would infuriate the 47% of freeloaders that Romney is referring to, but in fact it has done the complete opposite. Romney has inspired people in America not to be losers anymore.

Brian Morris is a US Soldier that returned home from Iraq in February of last year after losing both of his legs. He says he can’t work now but believes Romney’s statements are life changing for him. “I haven’t been able to get a job and I’ve had to rely on my un-taxed VA benefits to survive. I’m part of the 47% of the losers in this country,” Morris said. “So I’ve been saving up my money the best I can and I’m going to buy those same type of legs that Captain Dan had in Forest Gump. They will be my magic legs in returning to work so I can prove to Mitt Romney that I’m not a loser anymore.”

Dale Jenkins from Dequincy, Louisiana said he had a revelation after he heard what Romney said. “I was just sitting there drinking a forty of King Cobra, thinking about whether to beat my wife now or go down to the bar first and then beat my wife later. At this exact moment my friend Lenny Gene Harris from down the road called me up and told me that Mitt Romney thinks we’re losers. Well, that truly inspired me. I decided right then and there that I was going to go back to school, get my GED and then I’m gonna become an astronaut.”

Dean Huls is one of ‘Romney’s losers’ but said he is trying his best to change his ways. Huls said he also supports Romney’s plan to make porn illegal. “I used to love porn. I would watch porn all day long. I didn’t have a job, I collected welfare and I paid no taxes. I was a loser.” Huls continued, “But things are different now thanks to Mr. Romney. Instead of rubbing one out, I rub the carpet in the living room for stains. Now instead of beating my meat, I got a job at a deli and beat the meat there. I get so many more activities done now since I don’t look at porn all day long. Though I’m a little edgier and don’t sleep more than 30 minutes a night, but it gives me plenty of time to work on not being a loser. One day soon, I just know it, Mr. Romney will come to my house and knock on my door. He’ll say, ‘Congratulations Dean, you’re not a loser anymore. Welcome to the club, big guy. Now you’re baller status’. That will be the happiest day of my life.”

Romney campaign promoter Mike Sanders said they’re coming out with a whole new line of t-shirts and other merchandise so you can support Romney’s cause. “We have some really great shirts now with a lot of extremely inspirational sayings. My favorite ones so far are, Every time you masturbate, Mitt Romney sheds a tear and Get a job and stop jerking off, you f*cking loser.” Sanders continued, “I think it was Mitt Romney who said it best, Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, dollar, dollar bill y’all.”

Multimillionaire Paul Horner said he’s confused if he’s a loser or not. “I’m part of Mitt Romney’s 47% of losers. I paid zero taxes last year, but I wasn’t alone. Over 7,000 other millionaires in America paid zero taxes in 2011. About 55,000 millionaires paid a lower tax rate than millions of middle-income Americans last year and I’m pretty sure that includes Mitt Romney himself. Is Mitt Romney calling himself a loser?” Horner continued, “Maybe Mitt Romney could be a little more specific and clarify who the real losers in America exactly are. The last thing I want is Mitt Romney thinking that I’m a loser.”

Mitt Romney’s 47% Video

RELATED NEWS >> Mitt Romney Does Blackface On BET

Mitt Romney doing blackface on BET

Read full story >> HERE

Update 1/4/13
Popular vote 2012: Mitt Romney ironically gets … 47% of the vote, read more.

Accused Rapist Found Not Guilty Using ‘Todd Akin Defense’

The Ass Press
Posted: 08/24/2012 3:41:14 PM PDT

Todd AkinDequincy, LA — In a move that is shocking the nation today, the Honorable Judge Paul Horner of Dequincy Louisiana, reversed the guilty verdict of accused rapist Daryl James Thompson based on what the judge is calling the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. Horner said that since it was legitimate rape and that the victim actually got pregnant from Thompson, it proves the man could not have raped her. This announcement comes just days after Republican Todd Akin’s controversial comments aired on a St. Louis TV station. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” Akin said on Sunday.

Thompson was in court today for sentencing. This is when Horner announced he was reversing the jury’s unanamous guilty verdict from two weeks prior. Horner then dismissed all charges, apologized to Thompson for his time and then released him from custody. The decision by the judge is making headlines not just because the victim was able to positively identify her rapist but because the baby she gave birth to also matched Thompson’s DNA exactly. This is now the first accused rapist to be found not guilty using this new ‘Todd Akin Defense’.

Brandon Adams who was the State’s Prosecutor on the case said he was stunned by the judges decision and is now worried about future cases involving rape. “What Judge Horner did here today will set a precedent that can now be used in any future and past rape cases. Any rapist who impregnated a woman can now use the ‘Todd Akin Defense’. The scary part is this also applies to anyone in prison who is currently serving time for their crime,” Adams said. “We could realistically see thousands of violent rapists back on the streets in the next 30-90 days.”

Outside the Courthouse, Reverend Matt Johnson from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in Dequincy talked to reporters and said he supports the judges decision. “Judge Horner is doing god’s work,” Johnson said. “Republican Todd Akin is an amazing man and his beautiful words spoken the other day have inspired a remarkable person like Paul Horner to let an innocent man remain free. We have to obey what our elected officials like Akin say, and that is exactly what Judge Horner did. Our god is truly shining his everlasting love down on the town of Dequincy today.”

Family members of the rape victim said they don’t agree with the judge’s decision today whatsoever. The victim’s father spoke briefly to reporters before leaving with the other members of the family who were there for sentencing. “Judge Horner is completely insane and not living in this century. He’s out of touch with society and someone needs to legitimately rape him.”

The family of Daryl James Thompson has setup a hotline so people can send in their donations to help others wrongly found guilty of rape. They say the funds collected will be used for attorney fees to help those currently in prison be released as soon as possible.

  • The Daryl James Thompson Rape Release Hotline: (785) 273-0325

 

NBC Explains Tape Delay And Censorship Of The Olympics

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/31/2012 6:00:11 AM PDT

NBC tape delay and censorship of the Olympic games in LondonLondon, UK — NBC has been getting heavily criticized recently for their tape delay and censorship of the 2012 Summer Olympic games being held in London, England. Paul Horner who is a television executive at NBC covering the Olympics spoke with reporters in London today to explain what really happens during these tape delays and censorship of the games.

“NBC has been in business for over 86 years,” Horner said. “NBC knows what the American people like to watch and what they are mentally unable to handle. We make sure to edit all of our footage so it’s friendly and pleasant for everyone. It’s our way of coming into your living room every night and saying, hello and how are you this evening?”

Brandon Adams from Dequincy, Louisiana says he doesn’t mind the tape delay or censorship by NBC of the games. “I didn’t even know the Olympics were going on till the other night. Me and my old lady had just got in a fight so I was at home drinking a few beers and channel surfing. Suddenly I turn to NBC and I see this half naked girly jumping around in a bikini. So I called up my good friend Charles Ray in Jackson County to tell him about this girl on TV. He then told me that was the Olympics and I was like whaaaat!?!”

Horner went on to explain the different options to watch the games and the costs associated with each one. “There’s a ‘live feed’, and then there’s a ‘live-live feed’. The live feed is free. The live-live feed costs $100 because it’s a more expensive technology involving quantum physics and some forms of time travel.” Horner continued, “If someone were to spend $100 so that they can watch the games ‘live-live’ and unedited they can, and no one is stopping them from doing that. But how much more fun is it to have a multinational corporation like NBC make your decisions for you about what you like and what you don’t like and when you are allowed to watch what you want to watch? Our censoring and tape delays have nothing to do with trying to get you to pay the $100 fee, it’s only about love. At NBC, we love you.”

Critics are quick to point out how the tape delay is unfair and completely unnecessary. “The Summer Olympics are one of the most important sporting events known to man,” says Jay B Fail a reporter with The New York Times. “These actions by NBC are just pure greed, plain and simple.”

Horner finished the press conference by explaining one of the main reasons for the tape delay. “Here at NBC we take the airing of the Olympics extremely serious. After our cameras record that days events in London, the tape is then hand delivered to another NBC executive 10 miles away in Watford. From there the tape is passed on to the town of Luton. In Luton the tape is given to a runner in Northhampton where they will then make the final 50 mile trek to an NBC broadcasting station in Leicester. There the tape is carefully viewed for authenticity by specialists, edited for happiness and then aired live to Americans for their viewing entertainment. This also gives most Americans enough time to fly home and watch what they saw at the Olympics in London live on television in the comfort of their own home.”