Pyongyang, North Korea — Fifty-four North Korean dogs were hospitalized in critical condition today after becoming violently ill. The hounds were found with unknown toxins in their blood that doctors say are a direct result from eating Dennis Rodman.
At a press conference this afternoon, White House spokesman Paul Horner told reporters he does not agree with the actions taken by Kim Jong Un. “There are so many other ways the North Korean government could have nourished those starving canines. Who knows what kind of horrible things were inside Dennis Rodman. No animal deserves that kind of abuse.”
Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man, told CNN he is saddened by the news. “Just thinking about all the horrific diseases Dennis Rodman could have given those dogs makes me sick to my stomach. Those poor innocent hounds; their only crime was being hungry, frowny face.”
Horner finished the press conference by addressing the health issues the dogs will now face. “The possible STDs these dogs have is unimaginable. We can only begin to understand the complexity of these mutated organisms that evolved inside Dennis Rodman.”
Fans of Kim Jong Un may remember an incident last month where the dictator got blackout drunk and fed his uncle to over one hundred ravenous dogs.
Feeding people to dogs gained popularity in 1854 when Allen Montgomery of West Texas fed his neighbor to his three dogs after the neighbor called Montgomery a clay-brained beetle-headed dewberry.