The Prophet Muhammad Returns: Addresses All The Bullsh*t That’s Been Happening

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/15/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

The Prophet Muhammad returns a black womanEditors note: This article is a paid advertisement by Barack Obama and The United States Government. Super Official News is not responsible for the content on this page.

Tel Aviv, Israel — Muslims around the world are rejoicing as the Prophet Muhammad has finally returned after all these hundreds of years. The news comes as both exciting and shocking as Muslims are learning the true identity of the mysterious prophet, a large African American woman. Muhammad was originally believed to be a man that was taller than average, had a muscular build, a large forehead, a sloping nose and a thick beard, but it turns out all of that was wrong. Muhammad held a press conference this afternoon to address the bullsh*t that’s been happening in the Muslim community lately.

“This bullsh*t needs to stop right now,” said Muhammad. “Muslims killing motherf*ckas over some silly movie or a cheesy cartoon, shit ain’t right. They best needs to chill before I roll up on em’. They think they gansta? Sh*t, I’ll show em’ who’s gansta.”

When told about all the suicide bombings and the recent killings at the US Embassy in Libya, Muhammad said she did not approve. “Oh heeelll no,” Muhammad said. “What is wrong with these people? I’ll tell you what it is. They aren’t allowed to have sex till they’re married, they can’t masturbate, plus they live on piles of hot sand in the middle of a war zone. You try to make me live on a pile of sand, where it’s hot as sh*t, not allowing me to get my f*ck on or even rub on myself while bombs and explosions and sh*t are going off all the time, and then you wanna make fun of my religion too? Well, I’d probably bust a cap in a n*gga also. But still, these player haters better recognize and stop all this bullsh*t right now. Don’t make me come back here again.”

Ahmed Saed Bin Hussein Al-Nasser, a 52-year-old devout Muslim, spoke briefly to reporters answering their questions about the Muslim religion. “The Muslim faith is a religion of peace, love, acceptance and understanding,” Al-Nasser said. Though his tone quickly changed once finding out that Muhammad is actually an obese African American woman from the inner city. “I will rape and murder all of you and everyone that you know,” Al-Nasser shouted at reporters.

David Miscavige who is founder of the human rights organization ‘Religious Freedom Watch’ said people need to stop mocking the Muslim religion. “These movies and images of Muhammad are an insult to the Muslim faith,” Miscavige said. “People need to respect their beliefs, especially now that we have found out Muhammad is an overweight, African American woman from the ghetto.”

Paul Horner, a free speech advocate, said he’s happy the violence will end now that people finally know Muhammad’s true identity. “This has always been an issue about free speech. No one cares what Muslims or any other religions actually believe. People only give Muslims are hard time because they are attempting to stop free speech. Muslims need to deal with the criticism of Muhammad in a peaceful manner otherwise they will never grow and mature as a religion,” Horner said. “If they didn’t fight everything and just accepted that not everyone is going to love your religion, then no one would be making these images and movies mocking Muhammad in the first place. It’s only done because Muslims get so ridiculously sensitive about the whole thing. They think the United States Government is behind these stupid images and lame movies, when it’s actually just some random guy. If they would stop getting so emotional about everything, no one would even care in the first place, and then these images and movies would never exist.”

Muhammad ended the press conference early saying that she needed to “meet up with her baby’s daddy” and “get her drink on”. For additional information on the return of the Prophet Muhammad, please contact the 24-hour ‘Muhammad Returns With A Vengeance Hotline’ at (785) 273-0325.

‘Innocence of Muslims’, The Movie Radical Muslims Are Killing People Over

[Updated at 09-20-12 | 11:35 PM PDT] Judge refuses to order YouTube to remove anti-Islam film.

Details Of The 5-Year Marriage Contract Between Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/30/2012 6:05:14 PM PDT

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes 5 year marriage contractHollywood, CA — Just hours after People magazine revealed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are calling it quits after five years of marriage, a source from the law firm that drew up the five year marriage contract has come forward with it’s details.

The source at the law firm, who wished to remain anonymous, says the marriage between Holmes and Cruise was just for show. The sole purpose of the heterosexual marriage was done for Scientology and preventing more gay rumors from circulating about Tom Cruise. “Homosexuality is a big no-no in Scientology. There was a lot of pressure coming down on Tom to appear straight. Scientology leader David Miscavige told him he was going to have to make a decision soon. It was either the ‘church’ or his gay lifestyle, he couldn’t have both. This was a way Tom Cruise could appear straight and keep in good standings with the ‘church’. It was also a great way to get Katie Holmes more attention and a quick payday. It was a win-win for both of them.”

According to the source at the law firm, here are just a few of the conditions of the contract:

#4 – Ms. Holmes will receive $3 million per year of marriage, with a $50 million bonus at the end of the fifth year. Ms. Holmes is required to pay $10 million to Mr. Cruise if she terminates the marriage before the five years.

#7 – After 11 years if Ms. Holmes is still with Mr. Cruise, the prenup and contract will become null and void. She is then entitled to half of Cruise’s entire fortune.

#12 – Must submit to random drug testing.

#17 – $10 million bonus per offspring produced.

#43 – Attend all required Scientology courses, classes and events.

#71 – Not allowed to speak of Scientology’s teachings and happenings to the press or any friends and family.

#95 – Must be accompanied by a Scientology chaperone(s) at all times.

#132 – Smile and agree with everything that Mr. Cruise says.

#141 – Give the appearance of happiness at all times.

#157 – No gay jokes of any kind. This includes calling the movie Top Gun, gay. Referring to the union as ‘Marriage: Impossible’. Or saying that Mr. Cruise has been in ‘A Few Good Men’.

#350 – Cannot speak ill of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard or make short jokes about David Miscavige. It is preferred that the joke telling be left in the hands of Mr. Cruise.

#690 – Cannot speak to anyone about the “special” male friends of Mr. Cruise.

#750 – Must live by the rituals, practices and laws of The Galactic Federation of Planets.

#857 – Xenu outfits are to be worn at all religious ceremonies and during mating sessions for offspring.

#915 – In the rare occurrence that Xenu returns to earth or Teegeeack, Ms. Holmes must accompany Mr. Cruise on the mothership or a vessel of his choosing, or forfeit any money earned.

#1256 – $10 million bonus for a surgically attached penis.

Paul Horner who is a spokesman for the ‘Church’ of Scientology denied these claims. “I don’t know what this guy from this law firm is talking about. He’s obviously sick. He’s probably gay himself or takes a lot of pills.” Horner then went on to say, “I can tell you for a fact that this will be investigated and he will be sued. I’m sure if he wasn’t so afraid of Scientology he wouldn’t be making up all of these ridiculous claims. We would be more than happy to help him with all of his mental problems, for a small fee.”

“We’re just so glad she’s finally free,” long time Katie Holmes fan Sarah Barkins said. “I’m just so happy Scientology and Tom Cruise can’t ruin her life anymore. Plus from the way this contract sounds, it looks like she’ll be walking away with some serious loot. I just hope she didn’t get the penis attachment.”

A representative for Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes could not be reached for comment at the time of this release.