Bill Murray Is Hero After Saving Child’s Life From Oncoming Traffic

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Bill Murray is a hero after he saves the life of a child in London, England today from certain death. (AP Photo/David Hatala)

London, England — What is Bill Murray not capable of doing? According to Fox News and NBC, that is the question being asked by London residents and police today as Murray saved the life of a 9-year-old girl from certain death after he pushed her out of the way at the last second of a semi-truck that was barreling down on the young girl at full speed.

36-year-old Paul Horner, who is in London on business, witnessed the near fatal accident, and told the BBC News about what he saw.

“Yeah, it was horrifying. I saw this little girl standing in the middle of road on her phone and this truck was just going full speed, right towards this poor girl. Then out of nowhere this man pushed her out of the way at the last second saving her life,” Horner said. “So I ran over to them to see if they were alright and to my amazement I see that the girl was perfectly fine and the guy who saved her was none other than Bill Murray! It was Bill frickin’ Murray who saved this kids life!” Horner continued, “That guy is always doing something awesome whether it’s making movies, playing golf with the pros, crashing random parties, bartending with RZA and GZA from the Wu Tang Claneating french fries off the tables of random people or saving lives! He’s everywhere!”

9-year-old Courtney Groves from Bristol, England told reporters about her near death experience.

“I was just playing Zombie Playground, it’s like my favorite game, and wasn’t paying attention to the cars around me. Thank you Mr. Murray for saving my life today,” Groves said. “He even sat down with me and helped me finish the level I was playing. We got a perfect score! He told me that he was in a movie years ago about a zombie, just like my game! I didn’t know what he was talking about but Bill Murray liked my game and he saved my life so I thought that was really neat!”

Murray spoke briefly to reporters about the incident.

“I’m no hero, I was just in the right place at the right time. I think anyone else in my position would have done the same,” Murray said. “Courtney is a great kid. We talked for a while. She even let me play her game on her phone. I told her the next time you wanna play video games, don’t do it in the middle of traffic.”

Tweet from Boris Johnson the Mayor of London about Bill Murray

25-year-old Brian Barth who is a game developer on the Zombie Playground™ team told CNN that he is thrilled the child was not injured.

“It’s an amazing thing that Bill Murray was there to save her life.” Barth said. “It feels really good when someone plays a game you helped create, had a hand in developing; it’s just not a game meant to be played in the middle of traffic, that’s for sure, well unless Bill Murray is there,” Barth laughs.

Boris Johnson who is the Mayor of London told reporters how proud he is to have Murray currently in his city.

“This is a day for everyone in London to celebrate Bill Murray,” Johnson said. “Most blokes would have just stood there like an arse and let that poor girl get run over, but not Mr. Murray. So it is decided, for his bravery we are throwing him a parade and awarding him a key to the city. Today is Bill Murray day in London!”

Murray was in London visiting friends and sightseeing when this near-tragic event took place. Murray says he plans to stay in London for another week and then is off to Japan to finish up work on a new project. Police say alcohol was a factor in this near-fatal tragedy.





President Obama Raising The Minimum Drinking Age To 24 In October

Obama raising the minimum drinking age to 24

Obama announced his decision to raise the minimum drinking age to 24 in a press conference at the White House today. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Washington, DC — In a press conference at the White House today, President Barack Obama announced his controversial decision to raise the minimum drinking age from 21 to 24 years of age.

“We need to work harder to protect the young people in this country,” Obama told reporters. “Our young folks are dying from alcohol related deaths at all-time record numbers. It is our job as parents to safeguard our children from these kinds of dangers.” Obama continued, “That is why beginning October 1st , all alcohol related purchases will be required to be made by individuals 24-years-old or older. This will benefit everyone and make America a safer place.”

Small business owners around the country were up in arms after Obama made the announcement. “This is absolutely ridiculous,” said 35-year-old Paul Horner, owner of a popular drinking establishment in Phoenix, Arizona called The Lost Leaf. “We rely heavily on the business that the 21-23 crowd provide. This new law enforcing a minimum drinking age of 24 will destroy our business and others just like it. Obama needs to reconsider his actions before real harm is done.”

There has been controversy for years whether 21 is too young to buy alcohol and make decisions.


53-year-old Martha Carlson of MADD said the group is thrilled with the news. “This is a great thing that President Obama has done. Research has shown time and time again that a higher drinking age would save thousands of lives every year. This is due to fewer alcohol-related traffic fatalities among underage drivers and all the health related incidents that would be avoided. This is his legacy, by far his greatest achievement ever. Praise Obama!”

Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky told CNN he does not agree with Obama and his announcement to raise the minimum drinking age. “By not putting this for a vote in front of Congress, Obama has clearly defied everything the Constitution stands for,” Paul said. “We can not let this man stomp all over the legal process in this country.”

The minimum age debate began in 1971 when Congress dropped the voting age from 21 to 18. After that many states followed suit and lowered the drinking age to 18 as well.

By 1980, more than half the states in the U.S. had lowered their minimum drinking age, usually from 21 to 18. But when research showed an increase in traffic fatalities in these states, things began to revert back.

On July 17, 1984, President Ronald Reagan signed the National Minimum Drinking Age Act which set the minimum drinking age to 21. Reports found that teens get drunk twice as fast as adults and have more trouble knowing when to stop. The research proved that teens overdo it with alcohol and binge drink more often than adults. The law was created to reduce traffic crashes, protect young people’s health, and keep people safer overall.

Myron Danus, spokesman for the International Center for Alcohol Policies or ICAP told Fox News he believes things are going backwards with today’s decision by the Administration. “If kids can die protecting their country, they should be able to drink a beer. What Obama has done is just plain wrong but I guess only time will tell.”

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City In Louisiana Makes ‘Twerking’ Illegal – 30 Days In Jail For First Offense

Twerking illegal in Louisiana

Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke twerking at the MTV VMAs last month.

DeQuincy, LA — The dance craze twerking has become such a problem in the small town of DeQuincy, Louisiana that city officials have made it illegal.

Maynard Wilkens who is the Mayor of DeQuincy spoke to CNN about the ban on twerking that takes effect at midnight. “Twerking is a defiant act against Jesus and his teachings. The rest of the country can keep their heads in the sand about this sexual act before marriage, but not the great city of DeQuincy,” Wilkens said. “We will still allow dancing in DeQuincy, just no jigglin’, shakin’ and ‘dry humping’ anywhere in our city limits.”

Bobby Joe Williams who is the sheriff in the town told reporters about the penalties for those caught twerking. “First time offenders will receive a mandatory 30 days in the county jail. After that it will be a much harsher punishment,” Williams said. “We are not taking this matter lightly. There ain’t gonna be no twerkin’ in my city, not no more.”

24-year-old DeQuincy resident Brandon Adams told reporters he does not agree with the new law. “There is nothing to do in this town, seriously. Twerking is all us kids had left and now they’re taking it away from us,” Adams said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. At least we weren’t out causing trouble, sniffing glue and breaking stuff. I guess we’ll now have to go back to doing that.”

Twerking is a type of dancing in which the dancer, usually a woman, shakes her hips up-and-down in a bouncing motion, causing the dancer’s buttocks to shake, ‘wobble’ and ‘jiggle’ in a sexually provocative manner. The origins of twerking are unknown but were recently made popular by Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke‘s performance at the MTV VMAs last month.

The town of DeQuincy has a population of 3,398 as of the 2000 census. DeQuincy is part of the Lake Charles Metropolitan Statistical Area. So far state officials in Louisiana have yet to make a formal statement concerning the ban on twerking.

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Documentary By Michael Moore Called “Fappy” Scheduled For Release In December

Michael Moore talking to reporters about his upcoming documentary “Fappy”.

Hollywood, CA — Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore held a press conference to announce his new upcoming documentary that is being released in December simply titled “Fappy”.

Moore talked with reporters and explained briefly what the documentary is about. “The story follows a religious anti-masturbation organization who travels around the country preaching to school children about the harmful effects of masturbation,” Moore said. “They have a mascot who dresses in a dolphin costume that goes by the name of Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Fappy® along with his assistants visit various elementary schools nationwide talking to children about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. Along the way many interesting situations arise; everything from the group being banned in the state of California to Fappy® getting arrested for public masturbation.” Moore continued, “Besides all of the problems that occur, the characters are real and loving. You begin to root for this organization that you want so badly to fail.”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now told CNN he is excited about Moore’s documentary. “We’re just thrilled to have Michael Moore making a movie about what we do day in and day out. Hopefully it will bring more attention to our cause,” Childs said. “Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. What our organization does is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home.” Childs continued, “God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.”

64-year old Paul Horner who is a teacher at Pansy Kidd Middle School in Poteau, Oklahoma told reporters about their experience with Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin when they visited the school back in March. “The kids just love him,” Horner said. “Fappy® makes the kids laugh and educates them at the same time. He also is quite the tickle monster and the children just love wrestling with him. We can’t wait for Fappy® to come back and visit us again!”

“Fappy” will open December 5th in a limited number of theaters and is scheduled for a nationwide release on December 19th. For more information visit fappythemovie.com.

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Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Arrested For Public Masturbation

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here speaking to children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin seen here on March 15th at Evergreen Elementary School in Los Angeles, California.

Portland, OR — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour focusing on educating both children and parents about the dangerous consequences of masturbation was arrested yesterday in Portland, Oregon for masturbating in public.

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke to reporters about the future of the tour after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped thousands of adults and children live a masturbation-free lifestyle. Fappy® also collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he did great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media is portraying Fappy® right now. All the good that he’s done, all the lives he’s saved, all ruined by some ‘alleged’ public masturbation charge. I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy® in your prayers until this nonsense is resolved.” Childs continued, “Until he is bonded out, Rubit® The Anti-Masturbation Rabbit will temporarily be taking his place on the school tour until we can get this mess sorted out. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.”

Fappy®, whose real identity is 34-year-old Arizona resident Paul Horner, told CNN by phone that he plans to make the most of his imprisonment. “I want to apologize to all my amazing fans out there, I love you all,” Horner said. “I will make the most of this bad situation. Jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. I plan to do everything in my power to stop the masturbation currently happening in this jail.” Horner continued, “Satan’s wicked ways came over me in a moment of weakness and I’m now paying dearly for it. At this jail though, it seems everyone here is having moments of weakness at least four or five times a day. God willing I’ll be able to put an end to all of that debauchery once and for all.”

“Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape,” Childs told reporters. “It leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease. This nationwide tour is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. If your arms are long enough to touch your private areas, you are a possible suspect in raping yourself.” Childs continued, “With the help of god and people like Horner, one day masturbation will finally be illegal.”

Fappy® The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For a complete list of dates and locations of this nationwide tour, click here. For more information or if you would like your school to participate, please call the 24-hour Anti-Masturbation Tour Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

Horner is being held at the Multnomah County Jail awaiting his bond hearing. He is currently charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and sexual exploitation of a child.

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