Indian Woman Stoned To Death For Sending Husband Too Many Facebook Game Requests

The Punjab Haryana High Court in India where a woman was stoned to death for disobeying her husband

The Punjab Haryana High Court in India where a woman was stoned to death today for disobeying her husband.

Punjab, INDIA — 32-year-old Indira Mahajan was stoned to death today after being found guilty by the Haryana High court of Punjab, India. Her husband, 51-year-old Bijan Kumar Mahajan said he is thrilled with the ruling and says the court’s decision brings much happiness to his friends and family.

Justice Paramjeet Singh Dhaliwal heard Mr. Mahajan’s thirty minute long testimony and immediately found the woman guilty. “I heard Mr. Mahajan’s story and it was obvious that this woman needed to pay for her crimes. She shamed her husband, her family and her entire village. Justice was definitely served today.”

During the trial Mr. Mahajan explained to Justice Dhaliwal the reason that he wanted his wife of 21-years dead. “She kept sending me Facebook game requests for a stupid game called Candy Crush Saga. I told her numerous times to stop sending me these game requests but she never listened,” Mahajan said. “She knows I don’t like candy. One time I played Candy Crush Saga and I hated it. It has candy jewels that mock you if you make a mistake. Those jewels showed much disrespect for my family. I wanted to candy crush their souls.” Mr. Mahajan continued, “I did everything I could do to have her stop sending me requests to play the game. I yelled at her, I beat her, I raped her, I let my brother rape her, I let the neighbors rape her, I let the village rape her and still she kept sending me these game requests.”


34-year-old year old Erich Sean from England who is in Punjab on business was at the trial when the guilty verdict came in. “That poor, poor girl. What is wrong with these people? I have to get the fu*k out of this backwards country tonight!”

At a press conference in New York, Paul Horner who is the the president of ‘People against Games on Facebook’ (PGF) explained to reporters about the dangers of sending Facebook game requests to friends and family members. “This is just one of the many problems that can arise when people send game requests on Facebook. Your annoying friend on Facebook gets the brilliant idea that you might want to stop what you are doing and help them build a cartoon barn or plant a field of carrots,” Horner told CNN. “So they send you a game request and then you have to log in to Facebook to see what your friend sent. You then see it is something you could absolutely care less about, you get mad and then you want to kill them. Eventually the tragic event that took place in Punjab today is going to happen somewhere else. It’s only a matter of time.”

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UPDATE 11/7/13: Woman of India, it’s your fault.

UPDATE 10/8/13:
View India’a Response Here

UPDATE 10/9/13:
India Ends Diplomatic Relations With The U.S. Over Satirical Article

UPDATE 11/13/13:
Top India police official says, “If you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”

Candy Crush Saga Killer Strikes Again

Candy Crush Saga Killer strikes again

The ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck again. This time 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei was the unfortunate victim.

Phoenix, AZ — What was supposed to be a fun game on Facebook has instilled terror and fear among the citizens of Phoenix, Arizona as the infamous ‘Candy Crush Saga Killer’ has struck once again.

The latest victim is 34-year-old Shilda Vafaei who was known to play Candy Crush Saga for days on end and send out hundreds of game requests to her friends on Facebook. “Shilda Vafaei makes victim number seven in the last three months,” Michael Spielman of the Phoenix Police Department said. “I urge the people of Phoenix to stop sending Candy Crush Saga game requests immediately until the killer has been apprehended.” Spielman continued, “Even when this individual has been apprehended, please continue not sending game requests. It will just make your friends hate you and someone will end up getting killed again.”

Greg Tidrow from Phoenix, Arizona who lived next to the victim explained what Candy Crush Saga is to reporters. “Candy Crush Saga is like Bejeweled, but with candy!”

Local Phoenix resident Paul Horner told reporters that he receives Candy Crush Saga game requests all the time. “My male friend, who I thought was straight, Ivan Schleinkofer, sent me a request to play this game with him. Is he gay for me I thought, or is this a normal game males play together? When I was growing up, my male friends and I played Contra and blew sh*t up. It was all about Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right B, A, Start,” Horner said. “This killer probably was sent too many Candy Crush Saga game requests and just snapped and I don’t blame him. One more request and I just might start candy crushing some skulls.”

So far the police have no leads. If you have any information about this case, Phoenix Police are urging you to contact Silent Witness at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.