Boston Marathon Bombers Were Pressure Cooker Salesmen Gone Bad

A police officer mans a check point  in Watertown, Massachusetts as a search for the second of two suspects wanted in the Boston Marathon bombings takes place.

A police officer mans a check point in Watertown, Massachusetts as a search for the second of two suspects wanted in the Boston Marathon bombings takes place.

Watertown, MA — Authorities are now learning the names and motives behind the suspects responsible for the deadly Boston Marathon bombings that rocked the nation on Monday. All of this comes just hours after one of two suspects was killed early Friday in a violent standoff with the police in a quiet residential neighborhood just west of Boston. The second suspect remains at large following what authorities describe as a deadly crime spree that left one police officer dead and another seriously wounded.

The two men have been identified as Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev, 19, and his brother Tamerlan Tsarnaev, 26 of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Tamerlan was killed by police in Friday’s early morning firefight. Dzhokhar is still on the run after a daring shootout with police that some describe as a scene straight from an action movie. In the middle of the gunfight, a pressure cooker was thrown at police that detonated. These pressure cooker bombs were the same explosives that were used in the Boston Marathon bombings. The devices were filled with nails, bearing balls, and black gun powder which could be triggered by kitchen-type egg timers.

Paul Horner who owns Pressure Cookers and More in downtown Boston said Dzhokhar and Tamerlan were two of his best salesmen but says he had not heard from either of them since earlier this month. “They had taken the company car up to Salem for a pressure cooker convention on the 1st of April. They were supposed to check in with me after the convention but never did,” Horner said. “Those two were our very best pressure cooker salesmen. They could sell ice to an Eskimo. They could sell bubble-gum in the lock-jaw ward in Bellevue.” Horner continued, “I wish I know what made them act the way they did. They were nice boys, but I do know they were somewhat disgruntled about our decrease in pressure cooker commissions that we just recently implemented. I hope that is not what made them do all of this.”


Boston Police Sergeant Benjamin Davis told reporters they found narcotics on the body of Tamerlan. “We found a small plastic bag containing a white substance that we believe to be bath salts,” Davis said. “For those unaware, bath salts are an LSD type of Amphetamine that when ingested produce both extreme euphoria and paranoia. Bath salts have turned normal individuals into zombie, flesh eating monsters. It would not surprise me the least that this is what made these two individuals act the way they did.”

“We called them the pressure cooker duo,” says Horner. “Customers just loved them and always came in the store asking for them by name. They had a passion for selling pressure cookers like I’ve never seen before. Unfortunately they used their amazing pressure cooker selling abilities for evil. They used those same pressure cookers they loved to sell to make bombs with and kill people.” Horner continued, “They must have wasted at least $1,000 worth of perfectly good pressure cookers and I know I’ll never see a penny of that. It’s such a shame.”

If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev police are urging you to call (785) 273-0325. They say he is armed with deadly pressure cookers and is considered extremely dangerous.

[Updated at 04-19-13 | 5:10 PM PDT] The second suspect has been apprehended by police. There is nothing in life to ever be afraid of now.

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Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTSPhoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his new zombie bath salt task force called SALTS.

Arpaio said, “These zombie attacks from bath salts are becoming a huge problem, not just in Arizona but around the country. It’s impossible to tell who is on them and who isn’t, so we’re stopping and questioning everyone. Any individuals suspected of being under the influence of bath salts are being arrested and quarantined.”

Officer Paul Horner, a 15-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department detailed with the SWAT unit, will be heading up the new SALTS Task Force. He said he’s optimistic about stopping a zombie attack from happening in Arizona. “When we make a traffic stop, even if the person is not doing anything wrong, all we need now is just a gut feeling that the person or persons is on bath salts or has already transformed into a zombie. Your civil rights don’t apply when it comes to zombie attacks.”

24-year-old Phoenix resident Brandon Adams, a survivor of the DeQuincy zombie attacks, says he doesn’t support Arpaio or this new zombie bath salt task force. “It’s just one more way they are trying to take away our freedoms. These zombies mean us no harm. They take menial, hard labor jobs for little pay that most of us wouldn’t want anyway,” Adams said. “We should be trying to make friends with the zombies, not arrest them.”

81-year-old Sun City resident Ann Hardy said she’s been doing all she can to stop a possible zombie attack. “I’ve been going around to all the stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and buying up all of their bath salts. If Obama doesn’t want to do anything to prevent a zombie attack, or put rehabs in Arizona, and hates America, I think it’s up to the citizens of this great state to do what they can.”

Obama spoke briefly to reporters in Washington about the situation in Arizona. He said he was concerned about the mental health of Arpaio and some of the residents living there. “The real problem in Arizona is there’s just not enough younger folks to out-vote all the senior citizens living there. The state is overrun with angry, delusional, old white people who spend their day watching Fox News.” Obama continued, “Thankfully there is a solution to all of this. The older folks there in Arizona, that continue to vote for Joe Arpaio year after year, keeping him in office, will eventually die.”

Any information about a possible bath salt related zombie attack in your area, please contact the SALTS Task Force hotline. As always you can remain anonymous.

  • SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Video: The dangers of a bath salt zombie attack

Gay Zombie Attack In Louisiana From Bath Salts Leaves 7 Dead

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/02/2012 11:03:17 AM PDT

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 DeadDeQuincy, Louisiana — Reports are coming in about a new zombie attack that has just occurred, this time happening in a small town in Louisiana. The massacre happened this morning, leaving 7 dead and 6 badly wounded. This all comes just days after the previous zombie attack which occurred in Miami after a naked man chewed the face off another individual. The zombie attack in Miami is being blamed on a drug called bath salts. It appears the attack today is drug related also.

This new zombie attack appears to have started when a priest from the Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy had given one of it’s alter boys, 23 year old Brandon Adams, too much bath salts.

Tom Hardly a 27 year veteran priest for the church said, “I just gave the boy the normal dose of bath salts that any other priest would give to one of their alter boys. I didn’t know Brandon would just snap like that. I’m lucky to be alive.”

When asked why the priests there give the alter boys bath salts, Hardly responded, “We give them the bath salts because it helps them fight the gay away. There is nothing worse in life than a homosexual. Well, maybe a flesh eating zombie, I don’t know, that’s a close one.” Hardly continued, “Brandon was the cutest of all the alter boys. This last batch of bath salts must have been bad or something because when I was trying to get him on his knees to beg for a load of my forgiveness, he growled at me, then he tried biting me, but not in a good way. Zombies are scary.”

The church was packed with people at the time of the incident. Adams is reported to have suddenly started leaping through the pews, row by row, ravishing any face and body that he could find.

“Oh lawd, it was just horrible,” says Betty Johnson a choir singer for the Holy Lovers Methodist Church. “He had an appetite the lord couldn’t fulfill. I think he was possessed by Satan himself,” she continued, “Plus he was only chewing the men’s faces off I noticed, not any females. If I had to guess Brandon is probably a homosexual. So along with the whole human eating zombie thing going on today, he’ll also be burning in hell for eternity because of his homosexual actions. Our loving lord and father can forgive being a flesh eating zombie, but homosexuality is a big no-no.”

Police Chief Paul Horner from DeQuincy called these bath salts the new LSD. “It’s a scare tactic we use to demonize drugs like LSD. If we scare the kids enough, then maybe they’ll be too scared to ever come out of their houses and think for themselves. I’ll be honest with you, bath salts are nothing like LSD, but hey, the media will print anything we say,” Horner laughs, “Journalists are a bunch of idiots. I’ve taken my fair share of acid back in the 60′s. I don’t ever remember wanting to eat someone’s face off, but hey, that’s just me. Call me old school I guess.”

The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy has been criticized in the past for giving it’s alter boys bath salts. Spokeswoman for the church Barbara Smith said, “We are seriously looking into this matter and will be making a decision shortly. Our hearts go out to the family members involved in this horrible tragedy. I just want to say a word to the grieving parents out there. Word.”

Before leaving behind all the carnage at the scene of the crime, Brandon Adams set fire to the church and then exploded through the burning church doors, something like out of a horror movie witnesses say. Luckily everyone except the 7 dead victims made it out alive.

Police say that Brandon Adams is still on the run. They are unaware if he has any more bath salts in his possession. Police are saying that if he is spotted to not approach him and instead contact the authorities. Anyone having information about his whereabouts are urged to contact The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line: (785) 273-0325

[Updated at 11:15 AM PDT] Exclusive video just obtained by Super Official News shows police and firemen battling the flames at The Holy Lovers Methodist Church in DeQuincy. The death toll now stands at 7. The number of known injuries is 6. Their conditions are not known at this time. Brandon Adams is still at large.

[Updated at 2:54 PM PDT] The National Guard and other military forces are now in DeQuincy. The FBI and local law enforcement agencies are on the ground too. The town of DeQuincy has been sealed off and quarantined. Lieutenant Colonel Franklin with The National Guard said that over 45% of the town’s residents are now zombies. Friends and family members of anyone in DeQuincy are urged to call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for information as it becomes available.

[Updated at 4:20 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy is said to be holed up in a safe house 50 miles out of town. He said this to reporters this afternoon, “Let The National Guard and military do it’s job. They are telling me that over %70 of everyone in DeQuincy is now a zombie. They warn us that these zombies will post on forums and message boards, telling others that nothing is wrong in the town, attempting to lure them into the town so they can dine on their flesh. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRICKS! Stay away from DeQuincy until this matter is resolved. God save DeQuincy!”

[Updated at 5:25 PM PDT] Resistance groups are fighting against the zombies but are making little head way. One of the groups, The Resistance For Life, are saying there’s just too many zombies to fight off and they are out numbered.

New Zombie Attack From Bath Salts in Louisiana: Leaves 7 Dead

[Updated at 7:15 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin made a statement saying, “I can confirm that roughly 85% of the population here has been infected. We still have not found the original zombie, Brandon Adams. Unless the resistance can stop and kill the infection, we will have to neutralize the town. Please stay away from DeQuincy. God save us all.”

[Updated at 8:01 PM PDT] So far Bob from the resistance and the Peacock are reported to be safe.

[Updated at 8:28 PM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke to reporters, “Supplies are dwindling. Items currently needed are water, food, weapons, zombie rounds and any animals that can be used as bait to lure the zombies out of their hiding spots. Please call The Louisiana Zombie Hot Line (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.”

[Updated at 12:54 AM PDT] Colonel Franklin spoke one last time to reporters before heading back to Washington, “It is my deepest regret to inform you all that the town of DeQuincy has been vaporized. We had no other options. The resistance failed and the zombies had complete control of the town. DeQuincy is now just a crater of dirt, which in my opinion is an improvement from what it was before. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada. Our government won’t tolerate gay zombie terrorists on bath salts from this day forward. A precedent has been set here today. God bless America!”

Image of the bomb that destroyed DeQuincy Louisiana from the zombie attack from bath salts

[Updated at 7:16 AM PDT] Bob from the resistance and the peacock made it out of DeQuincy safely before the bombing began. Bob says he plans to raise llamas and build a memorial wall dedicated to those who lost their lives at DeQuincy.

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 7:07 PM PDT] The Mayor of DeQuincy made a statement to reporters this evening about the zombie apocalypse that almost occurred. “When it comes to DeQuincy, zombies don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how dumb and ignorant you are. They don’t care if you’re related or not. They don’t care how inbred you may be. They don’t care how many sheep or other farm animals you have sex with on a daily basis. They don’t care if you are fat, have no teeth, balding, or smell really bad. They don’t care if your IQ is under 70. They don’t care if you use soap or shower. They don’t care how much you hate gay people while at the same time probably being a closet homosexual yourself. They don’t care how much you hate minorities. They don’t care how intolerant of other cultures you are or how badly you want to bomb their country. They don’t care if you are a Creationist who thinks the Earth is only 6,000 years old. They don’t care if you can read or write. They don’t even care how badly you beat your wife. The fact of the matter is zombies just don’t care how backwards and out of touch you are with society, they only care about how good your face tastes. So that’s why it’s a good thing the government was able to get in there, vaporize the town and save DeQuincy before it got any worse.”

[Updated at 06-10-12 | 9:14 PM PDT] Ford Motor Company is proud to announce their new line of zombie proof cars being built specifically for the townspeople of DeQuincy. These cars make it easy to get around town while at the same time hiding from any zombies that still may be lurking in the shadows.

Image of the new zombie proof cars for DeQuincy

[Updated at 06-16-12 | 11:28 AM PDT] New music video for DeQuincy about the dangers of doing bath salts and then turning into a zombie.

[Updated at 07-01-12 | 10:55 PM PDT] Now that the zombies have completely taken over what is left of Dequincy, the homeless there have been forced to take drastic measures.

Zombie bath salts

[Updated at 08-10-12 | 4:17 PM PDT] The zombies have begun to rebuild in Dequincy. Here are ad campaigns for the new Subway and McDonald’s that have just finished being built in the center of town.

Zombie bath salts

Zombie McDonalds

[Updated at 06-05-12 | 6:14 AM PDT] A new zombie attack from bath salts in Louisiana. This time happening in Lafayette Parish, Louisiana.

[Updated at 06-12-12 | 5:27 PM PDT] The nonprofit organization Neighbors 4 Neighbors is accepting donations on behalf of Ronald Poppo, the man who’s face was eaten by a zombie in Florida on May 26th. They can be reached at (305) 597-4404. Jackson Memorial is also accepting donations via check at the following address:

Jackson Memorial Foundation
Park Plaza East
Suite G
901 NW 17th Street
Miami, FL 33136