Mitt Romney To Legalize Marijuana And Gay Marriage, Once In Office

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Mitt Romney hates gay rights and marijuanaWashington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTSPhoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his new zombie bath salt task force called SALTS.

Arpaio said, “These zombie attacks from bath salts are becoming a huge problem, not just in Arizona but around the country. It’s impossible to tell who is on them and who isn’t, so we’re stopping and questioning everyone. Any individuals suspected of being under the influence of bath salts are being arrested and quarantined.”

Officer Paul Horner, a 15-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department detailed with the SWAT unit, will be heading up the new SALTS Task Force. He said he’s optimistic about stopping a zombie attack from happening in Arizona. “When we make a traffic stop, even if the person is not doing anything wrong, all we need now is just a gut feeling that the person or persons is on bath salts or has already transformed into a zombie. Your civil rights don’t apply when it comes to zombie attacks.”

24-year-old Phoenix resident Brandon Adams, a survivor of the DeQuincy zombie attacks, says he doesn’t support Arpaio or this new zombie bath salt task force. “It’s just one more way they are trying to take away our freedoms. These zombies mean us no harm. They take menial, hard labor jobs for little pay that most of us wouldn’t want anyway,” Adams said. “We should be trying to make friends with the zombies, not arrest them.”

81-year-old Sun City resident Ann Hardy said she’s been doing all she can to stop a possible zombie attack. “I’ve been going around to all the stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and buying up all of their bath salts. If Obama doesn’t want to do anything to prevent a zombie attack, or put rehabs in Arizona, and hates America, I think it’s up to the citizens of this great state to do what they can.”

Obama spoke briefly to reporters in Washington about the situation in Arizona. He said he was concerned about the mental health of Arpaio and some of the residents living there. “The real problem in Arizona is there’s just not enough younger folks to out-vote all the senior citizens living there. The state is overrun with angry, delusional, old white people who spend their day watching Fox News.” Obama continued, “Thankfully there is a solution to all of this. The older folks there in Arizona, that continue to vote for Joe Arpaio year after year, keeping him in office, will eventually die.”

Any information about a possible bath salt related zombie attack in your area, please contact the SALTS Task Force hotline. As always you can remain anonymous.

  • SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Video: The dangers of a bath salt zombie attack