President Obama To Raise Minimum Wage To $25/hr

Beginning in June President Obama will sign an executive order to raise the minimum wage to $25/hr. Some individuals agree with this and some do not.

Obama said this is thing that must be done to help the economy and lower the national debt.

Rand Paul says he does not agree with the decision made by Obama.

“This is the worse thing possible for this country,” Paul said. “Call your senators and congressmen. You must demand action before this goes into effect in June.”

Verizon Wireless Offering New ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’

Bill Murray saves a child in London, England from certain death

Picture: NSA Surveillance Van

New York, NY — Verizon held a press conference today to announce their new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This announcement comes just days after news leaked that communication companies have been sharing Americans’ phone records with the National Security Agency (NSA).

Verizona CEO President Paul Horner explained to reporters about the new plan. “At Verizon we understand your concerns when it comes to privacy and your phone calls being monitored. So starting July 1st we are pleased to offer customers our new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’. This cellphone plan comes with 128-bit encryption and is guaranteed to be effective against the F.B.I or NSA from listening in on your phone calls.”

President Barack Obama told reporters he understands the distress of the American people and is doing all he can to fix the situation. “I know I’ve made some promises in the last 5 years that I’ve kind of gone and done the complete opposite of and for that I truly am sorry. The Afghan war, Iraq war and Guantanamo Bay is still open. I’m sorry. I promised you no unwarranted wiretapping. I told you I was strongly against that, but signed off on it anyway. Sorry about that. The National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) that I authorized allowing indefinite military detention of American citizens without charge or trial. I am sorry. I told you I would be lenient on marijuana laws. As it turns out I’ve actually used the DEA to put more people in prison than any other president. That’s another blunder of mine I feel absolutely horrible about,” Obama said. “Drones, the war on whistle-blowers and increased surveillance with no transparency on any of our programs. Once again, I just gotta say, I’m sorry. The NSA monitoring American’s customer records from the three major phone networks as well as emails and web searches and cataloged credit-card transactions. My bad.” Obama continued, “We need to come together as the great country that we are and work through these problems in the name of “safety” and for the children. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”


Horner described the new Verizon program to CNN. “The ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ starts at only $59.95 and for users that are looking for more minutes we offer an unlimited plan for only $149.95 a month. I think this will be a great way for customers to feel secure when using our service and not have to worry about getting arrested.”

Obama continued to explain some of his actions that he plans to fix. “The illegal wiretapping of American citizens needs to stop. No more national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime. We cannot allow NSA agents to literally watch what you type, as you type it,” Obama said. “The NSA’s reach has infiltrated nearly every major internet company’s servers, including Google, Facebook and Microsoft. We need to stop tracking citizens who do nothing but protest a misguided war. There will be no more ignoring the law when it is inconvenient. I promise to start fixing everything just as soon as humanly possible. You can trust me.” Obama continued, “I do have some good news though. In May the economy gained almost 179,000 new jobs! Unfortunately, most of those were F.B.I and NSA jobs to monitor your phone calls.”

Tweet from Verizon about the NSA and their new NSA Ant-Share Plan

Long-time Verizon user Ivan Schleinkofer told reporters he does not mind that the F.B.I. and NSA have been monitoring his phone calls. “I travel so that means I’m away from my wife a lot of the times. We like to have phone sex and we’re really big into voyeurism. If these agencies have been listening in on our phone calls for the past five years, they have heard some pretty kinky stuff,” Schleinkofer said. “Though I heard it’s only about one in five phone calls they listen to. Is there any way we can get them to listen in on us more than that? What if I tell my wife I want to stick my nuclear missile in her Al-Qaeda hiding spot? That would probably draw some red flags. I’ll have to try that tonight.”

To upgrade to the new ‘NSA Anti-Share Plan’ you can visit your local Verizon Wireless store or call (785) 273-0325.

Mitt Romney Drops Out Of Race: Endorses Obama For President

Mitt Romney drops out of presidential raceWashington, D.C. — Mitt Romney held a press conference today to announce he is stepping down as the Republican nominee and is now endorsing Barack Obama for president. This comes as shocking news to everyone, especially the Republican Party, since the election for president is less than two days away.

Mitt Romney spoke to reporters and explained his actions. “After careful consideration I realize I have absolutely no chance of winning the presidency on Tuesday. By endorsing Obama now, I can walk away from this without completely embarrassing everyone further than I already have. That includes my family, the Mormon Religion, my supporters, the Republican Party and of course myself.” Romney continued, “Just remember, I’m the best the Republican party could come up with this election year.”

Campaign manager Paul Horner does not agree with Romney’s decision and would like to see an alternative to his actions. “I think it’s ridiculous he’s dropping out of the race just days before the election,” Horner said. “I still don’t even know what his stance on anything is, and I’m his campaign manager. I guess this will just be something to put on the ol’ resume after this is all over.” Horner continued, “I think everyone that was going to vote for him would have been on the wrong side of history, but that’s what makes history so fun and exciting!”

“America, it’s not you, it’s me,” Romney said. “I would also like to formally apologize to Big Bird and anyone else I offended during my campaign of gaffes, lies and confusion. My magic underwear can only do so many miracles.”

Republicans that promised to move to Canada if Obama won are already starting to make the journey. “Well, our family is moving to Canada tomorrow.” Garret Roach from Minnesota said. “I don’t care if it’s a socialist country and the gays run things up there. At least the president there isn’t a Muslim negro from Kenya without a birth certificate.”

Hurricane Sandy made a statement to reporters explaining how sorry it was to have come during such an important time as the presidential elections. “My timing was just really bad and I truly apologize to the American people. I made Obama look like a hero and Romney like a zero,” Sandy said. “I think Romney is being the bigger man here and dropping out before losing the last tiny little shred of dignity he had left.” Hurricane Sandy continued, “I’m part of the 1% and Romney’s tax plan would have really helped me out a lot. Sorry guys.”

Romney said his plans for the future are to bankrupt more companies, put more people out of work, build a time machine to travel back in time to live in the 1950’s and become a god of his own universe when he dies.

The Prophet Muhammad Returns: Addresses All The Bullsh*t That’s Been Happening

The Ass Press
Posted: 09/15/2012 6:00:11 PM PDT

The Prophet Muhammad returns a black womanEditors note: This article is a paid advertisement by Barack Obama and The United States Government. Super Official News is not responsible for the content on this page.

Tel Aviv, Israel — Muslims around the world are rejoicing as the Prophet Muhammad has finally returned after all these hundreds of years. The news comes as both exciting and shocking as Muslims are learning the true identity of the mysterious prophet, a large African American woman. Muhammad was originally believed to be a man that was taller than average, had a muscular build, a large forehead, a sloping nose and a thick beard, but it turns out all of that was wrong. Muhammad held a press conference this afternoon to address the bullsh*t that’s been happening in the Muslim community lately.

“This bullsh*t needs to stop right now,” said Muhammad. “Muslims killing motherf*ckas over some silly movie or a cheesy cartoon, shit ain’t right. They best needs to chill before I roll up on em’. They think they gansta? Sh*t, I’ll show em’ who’s gansta.”

When told about all the suicide bombings and the recent killings at the US Embassy in Libya, Muhammad said she did not approve. “Oh heeelll no,” Muhammad said. “What is wrong with these people? I’ll tell you what it is. They aren’t allowed to have sex till they’re married, they can’t masturbate, plus they live on piles of hot sand in the middle of a war zone. You try to make me live on a pile of sand, where it’s hot as sh*t, not allowing me to get my f*ck on or even rub on myself while bombs and explosions and sh*t are going off all the time, and then you wanna make fun of my religion too? Well, I’d probably bust a cap in a n*gga also. But still, these player haters better recognize and stop all this bullsh*t right now. Don’t make me come back here again.”

Ahmed Saed Bin Hussein Al-Nasser, a 52-year-old devout Muslim, spoke briefly to reporters answering their questions about the Muslim religion. “The Muslim faith is a religion of peace, love, acceptance and understanding,” Al-Nasser said. Though his tone quickly changed once finding out that Muhammad is actually an obese African American woman from the inner city. “I will rape and murder all of you and everyone that you know,” Al-Nasser shouted at reporters.

David Miscavige who is founder of the human rights organization ‘Religious Freedom Watch’ said people need to stop mocking the Muslim religion. “These movies and images of Muhammad are an insult to the Muslim faith,” Miscavige said. “People need to respect their beliefs, especially now that we have found out Muhammad is an overweight, African American woman from the ghetto.”

Paul Horner, a free speech advocate, said he’s happy the violence will end now that people finally know Muhammad’s true identity. “This has always been an issue about free speech. No one cares what Muslims or any other religions actually believe. People only give Muslims are hard time because they are attempting to stop free speech. Muslims need to deal with the criticism of Muhammad in a peaceful manner otherwise they will never grow and mature as a religion,” Horner said. “If they didn’t fight everything and just accepted that not everyone is going to love your religion, then no one would be making these images and movies mocking Muhammad in the first place. It’s only done because Muslims get so ridiculously sensitive about the whole thing. They think the United States Government is behind these stupid images and lame movies, when it’s actually just some random guy. If they would stop getting so emotional about everything, no one would even care in the first place, and then these images and movies would never exist.”

Muhammad ended the press conference early saying that she needed to “meet up with her baby’s daddy” and “get her drink on”. For additional information on the return of the Prophet Muhammad, please contact the 24-hour ‘Muhammad Returns With A Vengeance Hotline’ at (785) 273-0325.

‘Innocence of Muslims’, The Movie Radical Muslims Are Killing People Over

[Updated at 09-20-12 | 11:35 PM PDT] Judge refuses to order YouTube to remove anti-Islam film.