Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Withholding Food From Inmates For The Holidays

Joe Arpaio not feeding inmates not feeding inmates for the holiday.

Joe Arpaio making a surprise visit to one of his jails this year.

Phoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is once again making national headlines. This time the sheriff is refusing to feed inmates for the holiday season beginning the morning of December 25th and ending midnight on December 31st. The sheriff is also putting a halt to all commissary sales during these days. Prisoners will not be allowed to purchase or eat any food regardless if it was purchased before the 25th.

Activists protested outside of the auditorium in downtown Phoenix where Arpaio held a press conference to announce the news. ”Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. The inmates here can do a week,” chuckled Arpaio. “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

These kinds of publicity stunts are nothing new for Arpaio who has sparked controversy in the past for his treatment of inmates. Such things as mandatory pink underwear for inmates, the first all-female chain gang and replacing all meat products with soy are all credited to Arpaio.

Paul Horner with the American Civil Liberties Union said Arpaio has gone too far this time. “This is the definition of a human rights violation. They may be inmates but they deserve to be treated properly and that includes such basic human necessities such as food and water,” Horner said. “More than 98% of the inmates at Tent City are there for non-violent crimes or probation violation. This is just more Arpaio antics aimed to show-off in front of the media while prisoners suffer.”

“I hope the inmates give thanks for the meals they won’t be eating for a week,” Arpaio’s said. “I hope this will help them get in the holiday spirit. They’ll be outside in their cots, freezing weather, dreaming of Santa Claus bringing them food for their hungry belly,” Arpaio laughed.

The official Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website features a bio of Arpaio that touts his accomplishments in providing inmates with “the cheapest meals in the U.S.” by feeding inmates “only twice daily, to cut the labor costs of meal delivery.” Arpaio has “even stopped serving them salt and pepper” to save taxpayer money, according to the bio.

Arpaio recently implemented a vegetarian diet for inmates in an effort to save $100,000 on food costs for prisoners. He also announced in March a plan to charge inmates $1 for their meals. Currently the average meal for an inmate in a Maricopa County jail costs between 15 and 40 cents according to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office website.

Gay-To-Straight Program To Be Used In All Arizona Public School Curriculums Beginning November 1st

Jan Brewer from Arizona speaking about her new gay to straight conversion program which will be implemented in all public school in Arizona.

Governor Jan Brewer from Arizona held a press conference today to speak about her new gay-to-straight conversion program which will be implemented in all Arizona public schools beginning November 1st.

Phoenix, AZ — Beginning November 1st of this year, the state of Arizona is implementing a mandatory school program designed for all children grades K-12 to help homosexual males and women become straight. The controversial conversion therapy will be used in all of Arizona’s 2,325 public school curriculums and is already gathering a large amount of criticism as well as those who approve of the new program.

Paul Horner who is the brain child behind People Can Change spoke with Fox News about their plan to help all the gay children of Arizona. “Since 2000 ‘People Can Change’ has been helping thousands of children resolve their unwanted same-sex attractions. We bring the gay demons out of these individuals so they can become who god intended them to be. Our success and track record speaks for itself,” Horner said. “Facing the reality that you have unwanted homosexual feelings can cause tremendous turmoil – especially as a child whose feelings conflict with deeply held values, beliefs and life goals. But there is a way out. A path that leads them to resolve rather than fight their homosexual feelings. A path to authentic brotherhood and to our innate heterosexual masculinity.”

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer who signed off on the the ‘People Can Change’ program told CNN she is excited about the program. “I think this will be an amazing opportunity for gay children to finally learn who they truly are for once in their lives,” Brewer said. “Can you imagine how much more productive these ‘now-straight’ children will be not always being bullied or wondering why god made them defective? What we have done here today is monumental. I can only hope and pray that other states follow suit.”


Sheriff Joe Arpaio who runs some of the toughest jails and prisons in the country applauds Brewer’s decision. “Less gays in our jails makes for a smoother running prison system. There will be no more prancing around, along with all the other gay activities that homosexuals like to do,” Arpaio said. “More importantly, we as parents can now sleep a little better at night just knowing there will be less gays out there wandering the streets trying to molest our children. I’m excited about this and I know all Arizonans are too.”

Though not everyone from Arizona feels the same way as Brewer and Arpaio. 32-year-old Katherine Morris from Phoenix whose son Daniel is a 12-year-old homosexual said she does not agree with the program. “My son Daniel is one of the nicest boys in the world. He is the most wonderful and loving child you could ever meet in your life. There’s not a problem with him, there is a problem with this conversion therapy,” Morris said. “I urge all Arizonians to fight back before this curriculum takes effect in November. Call your congressman. Call your senator. We still have time to fix this wrong. Tell them we do not want ‘People Can Change’ in our schools! It’s not only a waste of tax payer money but it is fixing something that is not broken.”

The organization ‘People Can Change’ is located in Ruckersville, Virginia and has hundreds of gay-to-straight camps and therapy conversion facilities all around the country. They have been in operation since May of 2000. ‘People Can Change’ can be contacted at 434-985-8551 or by email at lynn@peoplecanchange.com.

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Human Sex Trafficking Operation Uncovered At Madison Street Jail In Phoenix Arizona

Protests held recently in front of the Madison Street Jail demanding a recall of Joe Arpaio.

Recent protests held in front of the Madison Street Jail demanding a recall of Joe Arpaio.

Phoenix, AZ — Three floors below the Madison Street Jail in Phoenix, Arizona authorities have found what appears to be a human sex trafficking operation. They were tipped off by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agent who wished to remain anonymous.

The ICE agent answered questions and explained to reporters how the operation worked. “The Mexican woman who were caught entering this country illegally were placed in holding cells until it was determined if they could be sold to other countries or not. If they were old or disabled in any way, they were then deported back to Mexico. The ones who were young or of an attractive nature were then sold to countries such places as Albania, Turkey and Belize. It’s kind of like the movie Taken except not cool.”

Tiffany Wohl who helps out with the websites Recall Arpaio and People against Sheriff Joe Arpaio told reporters that she does not agree with Joe Arpaio and is time that he is relieved of his duties as Sheriff of Maricopa County. “He’s a talking head-motivated by his own agendas instead of what the people need. He wastes our tax dollars by the millions, breaks down communities instead of building them, deaths in his jails rise continuously, he abuses his power as he goes after opponents, ignores crimes when it is convenient and chases down birth records,” Wohl said. “He is an out of touch and clueless old man who violates civil rights daily and now with this human sex trafficking allegation we finally might be able to get someone in there that can do the job the way it should be done.”
Joe Arpaio tweetPaul Horner who heads up the organization, Joe Arpaio Sucks Dick (JASD) which has over 15 million members explained to reporters why Arpaio keeps getting re-elected every year. “The problem is, there is a lot of old white people in Arizona. Old white people are angry, confused and racist. Unfortunately these same old, angry, racist and confused white people vote. Once the old white people die, no one will vote for him anymore.”

Human trafficking is the trade in humans, most commonly for the purpose of sexual slavery, forced labor or for the extraction of organs or tissues, including surrogacy and ova removal. Trafficking is a lucrative industry, representing an estimated $650 billion per year in international trade.

Arpaio’s involvement is still not yet known at this time but authorities are saying it is possible that charges could be brought against the individuals responsible as early as next week. For any information or tips regarding this matter please call the 24-hour hotline that has been setup at (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

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2,452 Party Fouls Earns Man Spot In The Guinness Book of World Records

Paul Horner from Scottsdale Arizona

Paul Horner seen here committed enough party fouls last November to earn him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Scottsdale, AZ — In one evening last November a Scottsdale man committed so many party fouls that it earned him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. The party where this feat occurred was at the Lancaster mansion party in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is a party which is thrown yearly for the elite of the elite in the area, and every year 34-year-old Paul Horner is invited for some reason.

“I don’t know why we keep inviting Mr. Horner back to our parties every year. We realize we’re just asking for trouble, but the guests seem to love him and he keeps them extremely entertained,” said 54-year-old Winston Lancaster III, who is the owner of the mansion where this exclusive party is held every year.

Elizabeth Lancaster told reporters that guests are forewarned of Horner’s attendance at the party. “Every year we warn people that Horner will be attending and of his previous actions,” Lancaster said. “What can I say, he’s a big hit. People love his antics. Some people just follow him around all night to see what crazy shenanigans he’ll do next.”

The following is a list of carefully documented events from the evening in question that earned Horner the top spot in The Guinness Book of World Records for most party fouls committed in one 24-hour period.

  • Announced to the crowd that the punch bowl had been spiked with Aids
  • Challenged 24 people to a fight, then tried hugging them the rest of the night
  • Broke 4 flat screen televisions with his head and fists
  • Put on a dress with no underwear, along with a lampshade on his head and started flirting with everyone in attendance, demanding that they give him their number or “face the consequences”
  • Puked all over the bartender, in the kitchen, in the living room, in the pool, in four separate bedrooms while making no attempt to clean up the mess or make it to the bathroom
  • Ordered 5 prostitutes with Mr. Lancaster’s Visa card without his permission
  • Took a sledge hammer to 3 different ice sculptures completely destroying them
  • Took off his pants and peed into 4 different punch bowls filled with alcohol
  • Started a toast announcing to the crowd how happy he was to be there, then instead of saying anything he just started smoking crack
  • Set fire to the guest house
  • Threw human feces at women that declined his invitation to dance or refused to give him their phone number
  • Lost both shoes, then stole a new pair from a blind man
  • Fell down the stairs 14 times
  • Pulled a knife on a 5-year-old
  • Walked into four different glass doors, shattering two of them
  • Spilled full cups of beer on 17 different people
  • Pushed 11 guests into the pool
  • Did the Macarena for 2 hours straight while singing Nickelback songs out loud through a megaphone as a DJ for the party played other genres of music that were not related to the Macarena or any songs performed by Nickelback
  • Fell into a pyramid of 1,000 bottles of Dom Perignon stacked on top of each other worth an estimated $200,000. Every bottle was broken and Horner was dripping blood from head to toe but refused medical treatment. He instead started throwing the broken shards of glass at guests while wiping his blood on garden furniture and the family dog.
  • Horner texted all 575 people on his phone, male and female, that he was DTF
  • Put rat poison in a dish of potato salad
  • Spat on 27 people
  • Engaged in sexual activities with 5 prostitutes in the master bedroom
  • Consumed 16 pills of xanax while smoking PCP, then started running around the party naked yelling something about an agency of the  government being after him
  • Horner left the party with the owner’s Porsche and their 16-year-old daughter Annabell Williamsburg telling onlookers to “suck my balls” and that he was headed for Mexico. Horner or Annabell have not been seen or heard from since the incident.

Horner was the previous World Record holder for most party fouls in a 24-hour-period but he topped last year’s accomplishments by an extra 4 spilled drinks and instead of two broken flat screens, this year it was four, plus a lot more human feces was thrown.

“We just love Horner attending our parties,” said Mrs. Lancaster. “He provides our guests with so much entertainment. We can’t wait to see what Horner has in store for our party next year! We just hope he returns our daughter Annabell and the Porsche as soon as possible, we would really appreciate that.”

If you have any information about Horner’s whereabouts or the Lancaster’s 16-year-old daughter please contact (785) 273-0325. A $100,000 reward is currently being offered and as always you can remain anonymous.

Applebee’s In Laveen Arizona Announces New & Exciting Changes!

Applebee's in Laveen, ArizonaLaveen, AZ — Local residents in a small town 30 minutes south west of downtown Phoenix are ecstatic about the new changes that have been taking place at their local Applebee’s in Laveen, Arizona. Super Official News stopped by the restaurant this weekend to investigate further what’s making this hot spot so popular.

Restaurant manager Paul Horner explained just a few of the exciting changes that have been happening. “Every Friday and Saturday while we have our live Jimmy Buffet tribute band or gangster rap playing at full volume over the speakers from 3pm-2am, during breaks in the music, I’ve been letting my 8-year old son bang on his drum set that I just bought him for his birthday last month,” Horner said. “We also just got two new microwaves to cook all the food that is on the menu. We named them ‘Chef 1′ and ‘Chef 2′,” Horner laughs. “Preparing your steak how you want it will now be easier than ever! We also changed out the drainage system around the bar area so it doesn’t smell like urine and human feces as much anymore.”

Local resident Michael Spielman says he just loves the new changes at the Applebee’s in Laveen. “They repaved the parking lot and I even heard they added new insulation to the roof of the building. Also, they have installed new air conditioning vents above every table that blow out the coldest air you’ve ever felt in your entire life. It’s like traveling to Antarctica, but you’re actually still in Laveen! How cool is that, no pun intended,” Spielman chuckles. “One of my favorite changes to the Applebee’s in Laveen is there is now more free mints and toothpicks than ever before! I think it’s fair to say, rip-roaring good times have come to Laveen!”

Gerald Byrnes who has been a server since the restaurant opened two years ago gave us some inside information on the appetizers and beverages. “No longer will our cold rubbery cheese sticks and alcoholic beverages that contain no alcohol take an hour to arrive at your table. We have cut all our times down to 50 minutes or less or you get another alcoholic beverage with no alcohol in it free of charge! How awesome is that!”

Horner was more than happy to explain their new menus and additional usages. “Instead of 7-9 different menus per person we are now giving each diner 19 different menus of various shapes and sizes to browse through. It will all be the same food but now just more spread out to make things more fun,” Horner said. “Also to keep our customers safe, we are upgrading the menus to a type of plastic recently invented by NASA that has corners that can cut through glass. If the need ever comes up to fight off an attacker, our menus will work better than a machete.”

Assistant manager Joyce Barth explained some of the other exciting new changes that have been made to improve the restaurant. “Our greeters and servers will no longer speak urban slang and other forms of language that make it difficult to understand when trying to order food,” Barth says. “We have put each and every one of our employees through a rigorous 36-week course on how to properly speak to a customer in a language that can be understood by both the young and old.” Barth continued, “When greeted at the front, no longer will you hear the familiar shouting of, ‘Oh lawd, it’s you folks again! Well git on in here and I’ll get your seats right now! Not sure what’s good right now for sitting, lemme check real quick for yall. You hang tight and chill, I be back after I git this figured out. I’ll hit up my girlfriend Yolanda, she’s one of the dish washers but she always has the down low on seats that aren’t already taken up by some other fools’. This will now be replaced by, ‘Hello and welcome to Applebee’s. Would you like a table or a booth?’”

Horner told Super Official News that because of all these great new changes at his restaurant, unfortunately there will come sacrifices. “In addition to raising prices on all of our food* because of Obamacare and firing employees so we don’t have to provide them with health care, we will also be forced to raise prices to cover all the costs of these new and exciting changes. But I think everyone in Laveen will agree that it’s worth it the next time they come in for lunch or dinner or just to get a drink with no alcohol in it.”

From Applebee’s in Laveen to your family: We know in Laveen you have no options for good food so when you’re starving, and you have no food left in your house and the grocery stores are closed, head on over to Applebee’s. We’ll make sure you have the worst f*cking dining experience ever!

From Applebee’s Facebook page:

Applebee's is food for the anti-christ

The Applebee's restaurant in Laveen, Arizona

The Applebee’s in Laveen, Arizona is located on the North West corner of 51st avenue and Baseline.

Address: 5210 West Baseline Road, Laveen, AZ 85339
Phone:(602) 605-8010

Note* The word “food” in this article is used loosely as any object that could be consumed by the human body if it was a life or death situation. This could include such things as a stapler or small car parts.

Arizona’s $588 Million Powerball Winner Comes Forward

Paul Horner from Arizona is the world record Powerball $588 million winner.Phoenix, AZ— This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the two winners in last night’s Powerball drawing has come forward. That lucky person is Paul Horner from Fountain Hills, Arizona. He is one of the two winners in Wednesday’s record $588 million Powerball jackpot. Mr. Horner won by correctly matching all five numbers and then also the Powerball.

Mr. Horner was ecstatic when he arrived at the Phoenix Lottery Office this morning says lottery official Debbie Arnette. “He had a smile from ear to ear. He was screaming at the top of his lungs that he had won, it was quite a sight to see,” Arnette says. “Then after we verified the winning ticket and finalized everything, we learned that Mr. Horner was homeless. He said the night before he had been sleeping on a park bench and was begging for change.” Arnette continued, “He told us that his wife had left him and took the kids to Wyoming after he lost his job at a meat packing factory in Phoenix last January. It made me tear up, what can I say, I’m a softy. This will truly be a rags to riches story.”

Horner talked to reporters telling them of his plans for his new found wealth and how he had picked the winning numbers. “First of all, I hope my wife will take me back and I can be with my kids again. That’s really all I want,” Horner said. “I’ve seen first hand how it is out there on the streets. I plan to give a lot of that money back to help others in need.” Horner continued, “As for how I picked the numbers, it was really easy. My youngest son Tim is five years old, my daughter Stephanie is 16, I married my wife when I was 22 and she was 23, and the 29th is the date when I planned to win all these millions,” Horner laughs for a moment, but that laughter quickly turns to tears. “And the number 6 is how many kids my wife and I had planned to have before she left me.”

“He came in smelling of malt liquor and a strong odor of what I believe to be marijuana,” says 41-year-old Monica Lanter who was at the Phoenix Lottery Office when Horner arrived with the winning ticket. “I heard one of the employees ask Mr. Horner if he was going to have a $500 million crack party, just like that one episode from the Chappelle Show. I didn’t think that was very nice or funny whatsoever.”

The winning numbers in last night’s drawing were 5-16-22-23-29 with a Powerball of 6. A total of two winning tickets were sold in the November 28th Powerball drawing. The other winning ticket, besides the one Mr. Horner purchased in Arizona, is from the state of Missouri. The winners from Missouri came forward earlier today. The odds of winning last night’s Powerball drawing were 1 in 175,223,510.00. The Phoenix Lottery Office is located at 4740 E. University Dr., Phoenix, AZ 85034 and is open Monday - Friday, except holidays, from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

69 Dead In Apparent Mass Joke Suicide

paul horner jonestown joke suicideJonestown, AZ — Reports are just coming in of an apparent mass joke suicide in Jonestown, Arizona. The cult’s members, Room for Improv-ment – whose name comes from an episode of Family Guy, appear to have died early this morning from a deadly joke overdose.

The FBI negotiated with cult leader Paul Horner for days pleading with him not to tell the joke, but by the time they finally raided the compound in Jonestown it was too late. The joke had already been told and all 69 members of the cult, including Horner, were dead.

The FBI is not releasing details of the joke at this time, fearing for the public’s safety, but have confirmed it’s some sort of knock knock joke. A spokesman for the FBI said everyone at the compound apparently died of laughter.

One person is still missing that was not effected by the joke. The FBI believes this person did not find the joke to be that funny. At this time it’s feared the person knows complete details of the joke and since laughter is contagious, they could spread it at any time.

James Kidwell of the FBI says he wants to learn details of the joke for a possible career change as a stand-up comedian. “Being an FBI agent is fun,” says Kidwell. “But how cool would it be to be a standup comic with a joke so powerful it kills your entire audience? Maybe I’m just thinking out loud. On second thought I’ll probably just stick to being an FBI agent for now.”

[Breaking News at 09-17-12 | 5:58 PM PDT] Some sort of ‘Death-Ray’ has been taking the lives of animals all around the world. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the pet’s family members and their owners. More information will be posted as it becomes available.

Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTS

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/26/2012 6:00:14 AM PDT

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Announces New Zombie Bath Salt Task Force Called SALTSPhoenix, AZ — The controversial sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio, is making headlines again. This time it’s not about arresting illegal aliens, or questioning Obama’s birth certificate but stopping a possible bath salt related zombie attack in the state. Arpaio spoke with reporters this morning about his new zombie bath salt task force called SALTS.

Arpaio said, “These zombie attacks from bath salts are becoming a huge problem, not just in Arizona but around the country. It’s impossible to tell who is on them and who isn’t, so we’re stopping and questioning everyone. Any individuals suspected of being under the influence of bath salts are being arrested and quarantined.”

Officer Paul Horner, a 15-year veteran of the Phoenix Police Department detailed with the SWAT unit, will be heading up the new SALTS Task Force. He said he’s optimistic about stopping a zombie attack from happening in Arizona. “When we make a traffic stop, even if the person is not doing anything wrong, all we need now is just a gut feeling that the person or persons is on bath salts or has already transformed into a zombie. Your civil rights don’t apply when it comes to zombie attacks.”

24-year-old Phoenix resident Brandon Adams, a survivor of the DeQuincy zombie attacks, says he doesn’t support Arpaio or this new zombie bath salt task force. “It’s just one more way they are trying to take away our freedoms. These zombies mean us no harm. They take menial, hard labor jobs for little pay that most of us wouldn’t want anyway,” Adams said. “We should be trying to make friends with the zombies, not arrest them.”

81-year-old Sun City resident Ann Hardy said she’s been doing all she can to stop a possible zombie attack. “I’ve been going around to all the stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and buying up all of their bath salts. If Obama doesn’t want to do anything to prevent a zombie attack, or put rehabs in Arizona, and hates America, I think it’s up to the citizens of this great state to do what they can.”

Obama spoke briefly to reporters in Washington about the situation in Arizona. He said he was concerned about the mental health of Arpaio and some of the residents living there. “The real problem in Arizona is there’s just not enough younger folks to out-vote all the senior citizens living there. The state is overrun with angry, delusional, old white people who spend their day watching Fox News.” Obama continued, “Thankfully there is a solution to all of this. The older folks there in Arizona, that continue to vote for Joe Arpaio year after year, keeping him in office, will eventually die.”

Any information about a possible bath salt related zombie attack in your area, please contact the SALTS Task Force hotline. As always you can remain anonymous.

  • SALTS Task Force 24 Hour Hotline: (785) 273-0325

Video: The dangers of a bath salt zombie attack