Seattle, WA— Marijuana advocates and users in Washington state are celebrating today as possession and use of marijuana has become %100 legal under state law. Though sudden problems have arisen from these new laws that state and local officials were not ready for. It turns out that when a marijuana addict uses their drug, they crave food, food that is commonly known in the drug scene as “munchies“. Unfortunately now that marijuana is legal, a shortage of “munchies” has occurred.
It’s complete chaos out there on the streets says Eric Burns who is the manager of ABC Supermarket in Seattle. “Hoards of stoned kids high on pot, like zombies, have been coming into our store all day long. They reek of marijuana and patchouli,” Burns said. “They’ve cleared out more than 95% of our junk food and we don’t get another shipment in for at least another two or three weeks.” Suddenly Burns’ anger turns into almost tears, “Do you know that we currently have no more Cheetos in stock right now? I f*cking love Cheetos.”
Courtney Groves a reporter with King5 News in Seattle overheard three pot addicts talking about the “munchies” they were going to purchase at a local convenience store after they were done smoking their marijuanas. Groves was able to get this conversation on tape. What you are about to hear may disturb you. Parental supervision is strongly advised:
“Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip. Beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, with water, whole lotta water, and… Funyons.”
Groves stops the recording and says that is when the second pot addict chimed in saying, “Yeah, and get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day?” Groves pauses for a second and then speaks. “That’s when he said the word ‘p*ssy’.”
Senator Paul Horner from Texas told reporters he thinks it’s a disgrace what it happening in Washington. “It’s just a matter of time before one of these pot addicts will steal a baby and use it as a ritual in some sort of demonic sacrifice,” Horner said. “Also, I’m sure all these kids using the pot expect free medical treatment once they start to overdose. Yeah, that figures. Smoke your deadly drugs, crave your munchies and baby fetuses for satanic rituals, and then expect the state to provide you with free health care. This country is going to pot, literally.”
President Obama said he thinks it’s great to see what is happening in Washington. “I think it’s nice to see these young folks out there, having fun, listening to their Reggae albums or Sublime song of their choice.” Obama continued, “I just hope they remember to stay safe and remember to always pass it to the left.”
Even though cops in Washington can no longer issue tickets for marijuana, they have been issuing warnings and citations for users that are using the words “dude, bro, man, and stoked” too much in public.
Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) agent Paul Covington from Washington said he’s excited about arresting as many of these marijuana users as possible. “Obama is setting them all up, and we’re knocking em’ all down,” Covington said. “Obama to this day, since taking office, has given the DEA the green light to raid any marijuana dispensary, arrest anyone selling marijuana and put anyone possessing marijuana in prison. Be it a gram or a hundred pounds, you’re all going to jail, regardless of what laws your state may have passed.” Covington continued, “Federal always trumps state, so smoke up kiddies, we’ll be coming for you.”
A state of emergency may be issued, says Governor Christine Gregoire from Washington. “Anyone out there that has Hostess Cupcakes, Starbursts, Totino’s pizza rolls or snack food of any other kind, please, give what you can,” Gregoire said. The Red Cross and the National Guard have setup a 24 hour hotline for your donations. Call the Washington Munchie Crisis Hotline at (785) 273-0325 for more information and how to donate.