Washington, D.C. — Today a $20 trillion oil basin was discovered in Australia, set to turn the country from importer to mass exporter. In what American politicians are calling just a coincidence, Obama held a press conference today saying that priority number one for America right now is providing Australia with a “sh*t ton more democracy”.
“The people of Australia need our help now more than ever,” said Obama. “Folks, I watch the Discovery Channel. I have seen the huge spiders, poisonous frogs and dangerous snakes that live in Australia. We need to focus our total resources on helping these people keep a strong democracy while insects of mass destruction, or IMD’s, crawl around wreaking havoc.”
Paul Horner who is a military adviser for the Obama administration told reporters that Australia has been a dangerous threat to the rest of the world for years. “Most people are not aware of this,” Horner said, “But water in sinks and the toilets in Australia swirl the opposite direction than they do here in America. If that’s not defiance and a clear declaration of war, I don’t know what is.”
21-year-old Corey Worthington from Melbourne, who gained national fame from an interview on an Australian news station about a party he threw in 2008 for hundreds of kids while his parents were on holiday, said he believes America should reconsider their plans for Australia. “I think America should just f*ck off, that’s what I think they should do,” said Worthington. “They should mind their own go*damn business and stop making excuses to steal everyone’s oil. That’s our oil, the f*ckin’ c*nts they are.”
The oil discovery in South Australia is capable of producing 3.5 billion to 233 billion barrels of oil, enough to turn Australia into a self-sufficient fuel producer. State Mineral Resources Development Minister Kyle Brock told reporters that these were exciting times for the country and their possible future in the highly profitable oil industry. “Everything will be just fine as long as America doesn’t come in here and steal all our sh*t.”