Washington, DC — President Obama held a press conference today to announce that he is declaring the month of December ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’. “I probably would have never met my beautiful wife of 19 years if there were gay guys in the playing field. They stay away from females and make our job as men easier,” Obama told reporters. “Thank you to all the gay men in this world from the bottom of my heart.”
Eric Burns a Scientist at Bell Labs said if all gay men suddenly turned straight our society would cease to exist. “Gay men keep other gay men away from the female gender. If suddenly these gay men were to turn straight, there would not be enough females to go around, it would be complete chaos,” Burns said. “No males would go to work. They would end up wandering the streets for eternity searching for a female partner, which they never would find. Cities would crumble, Nations would collapse, Empires would fall.”
29-year old Paul Horner from Apple Valley, Minnesota said he is pleased with the president’s decision to hold a month just to celebrate gay guys. “At least 90% of gay dudes are better looking than me,” said Horner. “If suddenly they all turned straight, no way would I ever get laid. I barely get laid as it is.” Horner continued, “Without gay guys, my monthly expenses for hookers and hand lotion would go through the roof. Thank you gay guys.”
Billy Jo Williams from Dequincy, Louisiana told reporters he’s happy with president Obama’s decision. “Hell yes I’m grateful for all those queers,” Williams said. “With all those dudes off the market, I get my d*ck wet so much, you can’t even imagine. Thank you gay guys.”
Obama finished the press conference by telling reporters how happy he was with America and how far it has come since it’s inception. “Folks, there is no way we could have had a ‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ 20 years ago. That really says a lot about the growth and progress of this great country.”
‘National Gay Guy Appreciation Month’ begins December 1st and will end at midnight on December 31st. For any questions or comments please contact the 24-hour National Gay Guy Appreciation Hotline at (785) 273-0325.