Washington, D.C. — Obama held a press conference this morning to announce that he has granted Governor Rick Perry and the state of Texas their request to secede from the Union. This effect will take place December 31st, 2012 at midnight. Texas is the first state to secede from the Union. 20 more states are currently requesting secession.
Obama told reporters that he will be sad to see Texas go but said his administration won’t stand in the way of their happiness. “They will be missed, but if this is what they truly want, I wish them all the best,” Obama said.
Eric Burns who heads up The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality spoke to reporters about the current economic state of Texas. “Texas secessionists claim their state to be one of the largest and because of this the most capable of maintaining independence, yet Texas remains one of the poorest states in the nation,” Burns said. “Almost one in four Texans are uninsured. The state ranks worst in the nation for health care delivery and this isn’t even including the nearly 4 million Texans relying on federal nutrition assistance. It’s going to be a mess for them once they secede in January.”
Paul Horner, Obama’s top political adviser, said he’s confused with Texas and their decision to secede. “I’m not sure if they are aware of this but the government maintains relations with other countries, runs the Army, Navy, Air Force, Border Patrol and Customs, all to protect this country. They also provide food stamps and welfare among many other things, all of which they will no longer receive,” Horner said. “Governor Perry accepted $17.4 billion in stimulus packages from the government last year that of course we expect to be returned. The USDA farm subsidies in Texas have received $25.9 billion in federal funds from 1995-2011, so that won’t be happening anymore.” Horner continued, “Texas, you’re all good to go and join Mexico, just let us check your pockets first.”
Marsellus Wallace who is a spokesman for the president had one last thing to say before ending the press conference. “What now? I tell you what happens now between the United States and Texas. There is no United States and Texas. Not no more,” Wallace said. “Texas, you leave town January 1st, and when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your United States privileges.”