Manchester, NH — A new study released today by the American Research Group shows that the larger an individual is along with also having a bigger gun directly relates to the size of that person’s penis size.
Paul Horner who headed up the 5-year study for the group explained to reporters how they came to the conclusion of their findings. “We took a group of over 500 male gun owners in various cities all around the country. Half of the men weighed under 200 lbs while the other half weighed over 200 lbs. We noticed immediately that the guns owned by the men weighing under 200 lbs were your normal size guns, your Glock pistols and such. The men weighing over 200, 300 and especialy 400 lbs all owned semi-automatic rifles and large weapons such as AK47’s. One individual weighing 769 lbs owned a Howitzer and scientists were unable to locate the man’s penis,” Horner said. “We measured the men’s penis sizes. It was an amazing find I must say. All the men with the large stomachs and big guns all had very small penises, whereas the normal size men with the normal size guns all had very average size penises.”
47-year-old Billy Jo Ray from DeQuincy, Louisiana who owns an AK47 and weighs 425 lbs said he does not agree with the study. “I don’t give a go*damn what these fact checkin’, fancy scientists think. My one-half inch johnson satisfies all the ladies in town. I’ve never heard any complaints from my cousins once.”
Mayor Paul Covington of DeQuincy told reporters the town will be having its own ‘Gun Appreciation Day’ next weekend. “We do this every year around this time and unlike the recent national ‘Gun Appreciation Day‘ where five people were shot, we can safely assure our citizens that no one will get shot or killed at this upcoming event. We are taking safety precautions to eliminate any chances of someone getting hurt or injured. This includes no more all-night tailgating parties or BYOB at this event, that I can promise you.”
Horner said he will be attending the ‘Gun Appreciation Day’ in DeQuincy. “Our team of researchers and scientists will be closely monitoring the penis sizes of all the males attending this event. If our findings are correct, the town of DeQuincy should have the smallest penis sizes in the entire United States.”
To learn more about this study by the American Research Group or to participate you can call the ‘Big Gun-Big Man-Small Penis’ 24-hour hotline at (785) 273-0325.