South Bend, IN — Inspired by College football star Manti Teʻo and his imaginary girlfriend named Lennay Kekua, thousands of other gay Mormons have come out of the closet saying that they do not have a real girlfriend either.
“In the Mormon religion, if you want to stay in good standings with the church, you can’t be gay,” says long-time Mormon Paul Horner. “So just like Manti Teʻo, I had to make up a girlfriend also. Mine was a beautiful girl that lived in Malaysia who owned a petting zoo and worked with blind kids.” Horner continued, “Oh, I would visit Malaysia at least four times a year, but it was always to see my boyfriend Dave. What Manti Teʻo did is an inspiration to all of us gay Mormons who have to stay in the closet for religious reasons. Thank you Manti Teʻo.”
34-year-old Paul Covington who is a Mormon that just came out of the closet this morning said he is proud of Teʻo and his family. “Te’o claims he would spend all night on the phone with Kekua while she was in the hospital. His family said they met and communicated with the girl too. That is love right there,” Convington said. “My family and I have always had an ongoing story that we have told the church how my girlfriend works overseas for Greenpeace. I couldn’t have stayed in the church without the loving support and understanding of my family so I understand exactly what Manti Teʻo is going through.”
One of Teʻo’s close friends Kyle Brock told reporters they need to leave him alone. “What male hasn’t had a fake girlfriend in their life,” says Brock. “When I was in 4th grade I had a made-up girlfriend name Stephanie Lancaster. I would tell all my friends about her. How big her breasts were, how much she loved me, how much we boned, ya know, all that kind of good stuff. I said she lived up north and no one could visit her, because her parents were real strict. I even had a picture of her that I cutout from a Victoria Secret magazine to show friends. It got me points with the guys and it made the girls jealous that I was bangin’ a hotty up north.” Brock continued, “Also why isn’t anyone focusing on the positive here? At least this means Manti Teʻo’s girlfriend didn’t die.”
Eric Burns who heads up the Mormon chapter in South Bend said he is uncertain if Teʻo will still be allowed to belong to the church. “We will be meeting this weekend to decide if Manti Teʻo can still remain a part of the church,” said Burns. “Gay guys, and their sexual activities, that’s just gross. What kind of example do we want to set for our children? One that allows big, strong, sweaty, gorgeous, strapping young men to penetrate each other over and over and over and over again? Not on my watch.”
Notre Dame says that Te’o never met Kekua, that their relationship was strictly online and by phone. Time will only tell if Teʻo is allowed to come out of the closet and still be accepted by Notre Dame and the Mormon Church.