Palo Alto, CA — Facebook today announced the launch of their new breathalyzer chat and status update posting feature. Users will now be required to blow into the Facebookalyzer™ before posting a status update or chatting with friends. The idea is to help other users get a better perspective on what they’re reading or who they are chatting with based on that person’s blood alcohol level.
Users with a blood alcohol level over .15 will now be blocked from posting or chatting about such things as boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, religion, politics or personal stances on activism of any kind. The topics for these users are limited to such things as mini-giraffes and recipes for pumpkin pie.
32-year-old Matt Berg from Phoenix Arizona says he enjoys using the Facebookalyzer™. “Before I would drink a fifth of Jack Daniels, go online and rant about how much of a bitch my girlfriend is or how much I love her. Now with this new feature from Facebook that doesn’t happen anymore. Thanks Facebookalyzer™!”
Facebook spokesman Paul Horner talked to reporters at a press conference this afternoon to answer questions about the launch of the new Facebookalyzer™. “Facebook is about friends connecting in an enjoyable online environment. Unfortunately too many users think it’s a good idea to get ‘tore up’ and then start posting on Facebook. Well, now thanks to the Facebookalyzer™, there is a solution for that problem,” Horner said. “Repeat offenders of posting or chatting completely smashed can be banned from Facebook for periods of 30-90 days. For users that are habitual offenders a perma-ban can be put in place.”
The Facebookalyzer™ is now the solution for that friend of yours who thinks it’s a good idea to get on Facebook late at night completely clobbered our of their mind. The Facebookalyzer™ makes a great gift or stocking stuffer for that annoying alcoholic friend of yours who likes to bring unnecessary drama to Facebook and completely embarrass themselves. To order, call the the The Facebookalyzer™ 24-Hour Hotline at (785) 273-0325. Remember, friends don’t let friends drunk Facebook.
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