Los Angeles, CA — To prevent police shooting more innocent people during their manhunt of Christopher Dorner, the city of Los Angeles is taking radical steps to ensure the safety of its citizens. Beginning at noon tomorrow, every man, woman and child who is not a 275lb black man is required by law to evacuate from the city. This comes after public outcry when two Asian woman and a skinny white surfer were shot by police who mistook them for a 275lb black man.
LAPD Police Chief Paul Horner held a press conference to address the mandatory evacuation that is taking place. “We are evacuating anyone living in the Los Angeles area that does not look like a 275lb black man and moving them to safer grounds where police cannot shoot them,” Horner said. “I’ve personally talked with the officers who fired at the two Asian woman believing they were actually firing at a 275lb black man. Our department is taking hair samples from both officers to test them for LSD and any other high-powered hallucinogens.”
President Obama spoke with reporters earlier today about the evacuation of Los Angeles. “Folks, desperate times call for desperate measures. At 3pm tomorrow our military will begin sending Drones over the city of Los Angeles looking to shoot down any one that matches the description of a 275lb black man,” Obama said. “These are beta version Drones so they could confuse such things as a fire hydrant with a 275lb black man. I think it’s safe to say, the best idea is just to leave Los Angeles all together until Dorner is found and killed.”
There is currently a one million dollar reward being offered for information leading to the arrest of Dorner. He is described as a 275lb black man. Anyone who knows of his whereabouts are urged to call: 785-273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.